January 19, 2007

Three Cheers for Jesus!

Two Pennies for Two Thoughts

Thought #1 - Wouldn't it be cool if we could flip people the bird with our middle toes? I've tried. I can't do it.

Thought #2 - What do you think it would be like if the story about Jesus had him being killed by stoning instead of by crucifixion? Would churches have gigantic boulders on their front lawns? Instead of crucifixes, would people wear pendants made up of a bunch of tiny little pebbles with Jesus smashed under them? And, instead of making the sign of the cross, would you just do a haphazard circle thingy?

Yes, these are the kind of odd thoughts I have during the day. I'm pretty sure I'm weird.

Church Sign O' the Week

"Jesus loves you. Love him back."

Well, sweet ponytails and saddle oxfords! Church sign guy is posing as a cheerleader this week. I think I should help him out. After all, I was a cheerleader in high school at a Christian, god-fearing, King James Version only school. I'm fucking qualified.

Ready. Okay.
Jesus loves you. Love him back,
or you will have a heart attack.
Then you will die and you won't be
up in heaven with guys like me.
Lawdy, lawdy what's that smell?
It's your flesh on fire in hell.
You're roasting now - Don't like the heat?

You should have loved the Jesus meat.

Do you think church sign guy has pom poms?

Take Care,
The Bablatrice - who's come a long way since high school.


  1. OMG you crack me up. It's like listening to Howard Stern (on another level) what's she going to say next?

  2. I dont think you are wierd. We all have strange thoughts at different points of time. It is just that others dont put it down in writing and you have..

  3. I always wondered if crucifixes worked on Muslim vampires. I figure, not. You're pretty much screwed when Mohammula is coming down on you.

  4. And now we make the sign of the boulder?

    Oh my.

    And what about all the different areas around some churches that have the different 'stations' of the cross? What would that be, the progress of the stoning?

    ... I don't want to love the Jesus meat either ... =/ =/ =/

  5. Oh my friend, you are so goofy! I always wondered what the sign would be if Jesus got hit by a VW. Perhaps, like a small child with a play car, vroom vroom on the floor.

    Please don't hate me, I accidently rode in a stretch limo today, but my husband I talked about you and your hatred of limos...in a good way!

  6. Hmm...your version of the Jesus death story gives the phrase, "Get stoned," a new meaning. Would everyone get stoned at Easter or would that still be frowned upon?

  7. When Jesus rose from the dead didn't he still bear the wounds from the crucifixion? You know - the holes in his palms or whatever (ooh - strange thought - I wonder if he went out for Halloween as a pre-fab shelf from Ikea that year?) Pardon me. My point is - if he'd been stoned and rose from the dead he'd be a hell of a mess, don't you think? He'd have looked like an extra from the Dawn-of-the-Dead movie - or worse - like Kieth Richards. Frightening. Hardly a respectable look for a son of god.

    Just a thought.

  8. Oh - by the way - excellent work on the cheer. Bravo. I must keep a copy for my scrapbook. Is that copyright infringement? Must I obtain permission prior? That reminds me. I've vowed to do a 'smashing on the dash' poem. I must get to work while the inspiration is still fresh...

  9. Big D- Yes, but I have better hair.

    Jessica - Thanks! Yes, I put it down in writing. I'm pretty sure that's where the weird part comes into play.

    Don - From what I hear, they don't. But I'm pretty sure a pork chop will.

    Minimal - I think progression of the stoning is correct. And just imagine what the reenactments would be like.

    Carla - Jesus stuck in a VW grill kind of like a bug, only bigger. I like it. A LIMO- You rode in a limo?? It's okay, really. As long as you didn't use the Scotch decanter for a spit cup. Eww. That's just gross, isn't it?

    Sharna - I think getting stoned on Easter would be appropriate. And it would make finding eggs a lot more fun.

    Fwig - I'm pretty sure I dislodged an internal organ laughing at your pre-fab shelf comment. And feel free to not only tuck my cheer into your scrapbook, but print off several copies and leave them on random windshields. Particulary those random windshields that are in church parking lots. Those are the people who would really appreciate it.

  10. I just found your blog. Had Jesus been killed by stoning, I would have to pass a kidney stone in celebration of this momentous occasion.

    Imagine if he'd have suffered that death I read about in one of Leon Uris' books, where they rammed a tube up the victim's rectum and then put a couple of starving rats into the tube and then sealed it.

    I'm not making this up, unlike ... well, I'm not.

  11. Bert B - Hey, if Jesus had been killed by the tube and rats method, that would mean that all the Jesus figurines would come with a built in stand.

  12. My Uncle Bernie (my Jewish uncle with whom I worked at the U and obviously isn't really my Uncle, but you know...) used to go around and ask that if Jesus had been hanged by a noose, would Catholics go around making the sign of the noose with our hands around our neck instead of the sign of the cross.