January 13, 2007

Extra Large Load of Sin.

Ice, Ice Baby

Well, now that I've hopefully got that imbecilic song stuck in your head, I'll tell you the reason for such torture. There's a possibility we may get iced in. I don't think it's a very big possibility, though. I think we're too far east.

I can't tell you how many times in my life being too far east has caused me to miss out on excitement.

The bad news about receiving ice is that we could lose our power. The good news is one of our neighbors has chicken houses...Oh god, did I just say it was good news that we lived next to chicken houses? Fuck me.

Anyway, the reason that it's good news in this case is because if we do lose power, the chicken farmer calls the electric company every 10 minutes until the power is back on. He likes to say that he's going to call them every time one of his chickens die. Now, if I thought he was saying this in jest, I'd laugh along with him. But I know he's being serious when he says this and he's probably pissed off and drunk, so I'll just laugh at him instead. From a safe distance. 'Cause I'm a chicken.

Get it? I'm a chicken - he's a chicken farmer. Oh. I really crack myself up.

That Jesus Sho' Gets Around

He's done it again. This time the soul-saver has been located on the
laundry room floor owned by none other than Doris Wells of Wild Peach, TX. And JC's all saucy in this appearance and not wearing anything other than a loin cloth and a beard. Yeah. It's one of those images. Doris' pastor, C.E Borsarge, had this to say about the miracle. "I see it as a sign from God. Christ is no longer on the cross, but maybe it is a reminder to open up some people’s eyes."

Well, duh! Of course he's not on the cross anymore. He's on the floor next to Doris' Maytag front-load washer with the extra large tub.

I guess now we all know how Jesus washes our sins away.

I regret to inform you that there wasn't a photo with this story. I am consumed with disappointment.

BIG FUCKING EDIT: I found a picture! Carla, your soul has been saved. Amen.

That's Jesus in a loincloth? That's what the article is about? Can anyone see Jesus in this picture? Wait a minute...I see something. Oh, nope. That's a bear. I can also make out something that vaguely resembles the Elephant Man, but no JC.

Sometimes I wish I were more delusional so I could have Jesus show up in random places in my house.

Take Care,
The Bablatrice - who's a chicken. A CHICKEN. Bahahahaha.

14 comments:

  1. Oh my. Oh my my. Words escape me. The new banner is priceless. Priceless I tell you. There's something red and horrid lying on the floor. I think I've laughed up a lung. Bravo.

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  2. GOD DAMNIT, get me a fucking picture! My eternal salvation depends on it!

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  3. Fiwg - Aww. You coughed up a lung to show your approval of my banner. That's so sweet. Most people would just clap or something, but not you. You always go the extra mile. I do have to admit that me as a virgin anything is pretty damn funny.

    Carla - I didn't want to carry the guilt of you burning in hell for all eternity, so I scoured the web and found a picture. Whew! That's a weight off my shoulders.

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  7. Well I will sleep better tonight, thank you very much! FYI, we call that dirt and smeg at our house it's generally cleaned up without the aid of any religious stupidity.

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  8. The newspaper article was priceless! Looks to me like maybe she doesn't need to be leaving her wet towels on that bare wood floor. -All the better to breed black mold, my pretty.

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  9. Well first of all. The banner is most definatly a perfect fit. I like it.

    Second of all..Im starting to wonder when people will begin to understand...just becuase they can see Jesus on their muddy floor, doesn't mean the rest of us can.
    Or better yet..why do people buy into it? They can't expect me to believe that EVERY single person who says its their has actually seen it...can they? What a lovely world of crazies we live in.

    Hmmz. Time to start looking for random blobs of nothing around my house...*wide eyed and exited* maybe Ill get me in the newspaper too!

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  10. Besides, it's not even Jesus! It's that homeless guy what got hit by a train last summer. Geez, what's wrong with people?

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  11. Hey, is that urine stain on the bar floor in Coyote Fart Texas look like JC? Why doesn't JC just come back soon. I mean people are getting bored, and their imaginations are running wild. LOL! What if JC was clean shaven with a mohawk.

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  12. If I tilt my head slightly, I think I see something that looks sort of like that owl in the "give a hoot, don't pollute" ads from 30 years ago. Of course, today we have the more popular motto from Family Guy's Peter Griffin. "Give a larbage, throw out your garbage."

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  13. Acquaintences of mine once had their picture in their local newspaper, holding up an open bag of frozen peas because they found a face in their peas. I'm dead serious here. Thing is - they never claimed it was the face of Jesus. They freely admitted it was just a frog's face. And you couldn't dispute the claim because it was clearly a real frog's face. The whole damn intact frozen frog was in the bag of peas.

    I haven't seen them since then. Didn't particularly like them. Pretensious types. I asked about them though and a mutual friend informed me that they'd made the paper again - for finding another creature in their food. A mouse in their butter or something. I can't remember. A chipmunk in their ice cream? A six-headed dragon in their Quiche Lorraine? I can't recall. Regardless - creepy eh?

    I don't think fate dishes you out more than one hide-and-seek-critter-in-your-grub event in your lifetime unlkess there's something the fuck wrong with you to start with. That's just a theory so far but I'm thinking there's something to it.

    Ooh! Word verification! The aliens have found you.

    bqrsbz! bqrsbz! Take me to your leader!

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  14. Carla - I've determined to stop cleaning to see if Jesus will show up at my house. Afterall, cleanliness is next to godliness. Um. That doesn't really work in this case, does it?

    Sharna, So wet towels + wood floor = Jesus? Who knew it was easy.

    BTS - I agree, definitely a world of crazies. If your Jesus blob does make it into the paper, please send it my way.

    Don - I think JC was homeless most of the time, so maybe the train wreck victim was really Jesus. He'd made his triumphant return to earth only to get nailed by a train. Bummer for him.

    Big Daddy - If Jesus had a mohawk, he'd be the lead singer of a punk band. Wow! If Jesus Had a Mohawk" sounds like a great title for a song.

    Dave - I tilted, I strained, I damn near stood on my head. It's amazing how you can get Hooty (I really don't think that was his name) and I get a bear and the Elephant Man. Quite a menagerie in one crap spot on the floor.

    Fig - You've definitely got something with your theory. If karma keeps handing you random animals in food, you've done something horribly wrong. Bestiality, perhaps?

    Yes, the aliens found me and kept trying to assist me in making money. Or they wanted to "make friend. hot sexy girl here." Cheeky little planetary interlopers.

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