January 8, 2007

Bible World Land, Phase I

You know how in my Arkansas tourism post I mentioned that there had been plans to build a Christian amusement park and those plans fell through? Well, I am convinced that what this country world solar system needs is more Christian-based amusements, so I've decided to share my vision for a Christian amusement park. It is called Bible World Land.
Do you think I should call it Bible World Land, or should I squish the words together and make it BibleWorldLand? I've seen this word squishing used as a marketing ploy and although I don't know why they do it, I know it works.

Anyway, Bible World Land or BibleWorldLand will be divided into two sections. The Old Testament and the New Testament. I regret to inform you that no Jews will be allowed into the New Testament section of the park unless they stop by one of the 250 "Sinners Repent Here Booths" and accept that Jesus is indeed the Messiah and sign the 438 page agreement. In the blood of a first-born, spotless lamb.

While I'm at it, no gays, fornicators, adulterers, cult-members (this means you too, Mormons) atheists, agnostics, cross-dressers, feminists, whoremongers, pro-choice baby killers, new-agers, witches, Satanists, nor anyone who listens to any form of public radio, or who supports the agenda of any of the above. You all have an agenda. Everyone else is welcome with open arms. We will be checking all guests entering the premises, so don't think you reprobates can sneak in. We know what you look like.

This installment of Flumadiddle will bring you the Old Testament portion of the park.
The OT Rides and Amusements

The O-Testamentor: This is your basic roller coaster, big hills with 2 loops, but what makes it really scary is the Tunnel of Doom. (And you should read, "Tunnel of Doom" in an echoey voice. I know echoey isn't really a word, but dammit, you know what I mean.)
So, the Tunnel of Doom will be completely dark but will have OT scriptures flashing in neon throughout it. Please note that some of the verses are slightly paraphrased:
  • Gen 2: 17 ...thou shalt surely die.
  • Deut 31:14 ...thou must die.
  • Gen 20: 7...thou shalt surely die
  • Ex 35:2 ...you are going to fucking die.

The Plague-O-Matic - It's like a fun house minus the fun. Instead there are 10 rooms for each of the 10 plagues.

  • Room 1 - Swim through bloody water.
  • Room 2 - Be attacked by frogs. They're big and they've got GOD on their side.
  • Room 3 - The Gnat Room. We strongly suggested that you keep your mouth closed.
  • Room 4 - Attack of the flies. Watch out for maggots.
  • Room 5 - Go through an obstacle course made entirely of dead cattle. (Now you know where we get our flies.)
  • Room 6 - Instantly break out into boils. Don't worry, salve is handed out upon exiting.
  • Room 7 - Try to stay alive while being pelted by hail and balls of fire.
  • Room 8 - Battle swarms of locusts. Don't let the crunching sound freak you out. That's only the locusts eating your flesh. We don't feed them, and man are they hungry.
  • Room 9 - Complete darkness. Complete and total darkness. Wow! That's so not scary. Okay, complete darkness with horny, rabid howler monkeys. We realize that howler monkeys weren't part of the original plagues, but we at Bible World Land like to mix it up a bit.
  • Room 10 - The Passover Room. If you are a firstborn do NOT enter this room. If you do, you'd better be able to kick the LORD'S ass, 'cause he will smite you. He HATES firstborn anything.

The Jonah Jonah ba Bonah -A fun-filled water ride that lands you straight into the belly of a whale. Make sure you bring snacks, because you're going to be in the belly for 3 days and nights. Showers are provided after the whale pukes you onto dry land to get off all that nasty whale-belly ick.

Jericho to Go Go -A group of you will be given trumpets and you will march around the walls of our replica Jericho for 7 days. At the end of 7 days you will blow sound your trumpets. If this trumpet blowing sounding doesn't render the city destroyed, you will be.

The Den-a-tron -Just like good ol' Daniel, you will be thrown into a den of lions. For those true Christians, GOD will close the mouths of the lions and you will remain unharmed. Should you be eaten by the lions it means that you are indeed an unrepentant sinner and you deserved to die. We hope you enjoy burning in hell. For all of eternity. It could also mean that the lions were just hungry. Oh well.

Old Testament Attractions

The Totally Rockin' Sinners Stoning - Watch sinners get stoned. Crowd participation encouraged and rocks are provided. You don't have to bring a thing except your pitching arm.

The All-Star Harlot Hour- Watch Rahab, Jezebel and Delilah perform death-defying acts of whoredom. We request that you do NOT place dollar bills in the sashes of our whores. There are offering plates at all exits for the purpose of tipping the dirty tramps.

The Moses Laser Light Show - Watch as Moses climbs Mount Sinai and fetches the 10 Commandments. But here at Bible World Land, the commandments aren't etched into the tablets with GOD'S finger. We use a laser. But we call it GOD's finger.

Song of Solomon Re-enacted - This one is definitely not for the kiddies. Due to the mature nature of this attraction, no one under 18 will be allowed. Let's just say that when that chick in Song of Solomon said ,"My beloved is mine and I am his; he feeds among the lilies", she was not accusing Solomon of being a vegan.

David Raps the Psalms- Oh yeah! King David will get all crunk on yo' ass rappin' out his wicked, off the hook Psalms. Come watch David get down with his bad self. Tru dat.

If a day of exhilarating, GODly amusement and entertainment leaves you thirsty or hungry, we have the following establishments located in our food court.

Lot's Wife's Saltwater Taffy Emporium
Moses' Manna Hut
Ye Olde Burnt Offerings
The Golden Calf Cafe
Noah's Exotic Animal Buffet
Eve's Apple Fritters

We hope you enjoy your time at Bible World Land, and must mention that we are not responsible for any injuries, maimings, dismemberments or death. If you should fall victim to death count it a blessing because you'll be free of this evil, sin-filled world and you'll be in heaven with our LORD GOD. Amen.

Take Care,

The Bablatrice - who is wondering if $79.99 is too much to charge for admission.


  1. Thou your not religious, you sure know a lot about the Bible.

  2. Where's the ride that re-enacts what it was like to live in Sodom and Gamorrah? Now there's a theme-park worth the price of admission.

  3. For the little ones, will you have the sit-on-the-lap-of-your-favorite-priest ride?

  4. Lori - Yes, I do and no matter how hard I try it just won't get out of my head.

    Eeeeekkk - I looked into an S&G ride, but the Health Dept. wouldn't allow it. Those bastards are always ruining the fun.

    Fwig - I could never do that to a child, but I could have the "Priest Castration Corner". Everytime you get a ring around a priest's winkie, you get to cut it off. Fun for the whole family. Of course, this would only be for the pedophile priests.

  5. If I know my fundamentalists, the Harlot Hour and the Solomon show will be by far the biggest money-makers.

  6. Don - I agree, because it would give them a chance to feel all dirty and then they could go repent. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

  7. Thou shalt surely rot in THE FIRES OF HELL for such blasphemous commentary! It's okay though, honey. You can sit by me.

  8. Sharna - The more hell-bound people I run into, the more I realize how much fun hell is going to be.