January 1, 2007

Take a Little Trip

The new year is here and there's no better time to start planning your summer vacation. If any of you are stymied on where to spend your vacation this next summer, be stymied no more. I have a few places for you, and they're all in Arkansas. That's right! The very state that I have been doomed to live in for possibly the rest of my life! I bring you a few of the finest attractions this state has to offer.

The Bablatrice's List of Arkansas Must-Sees

1. Well Blow Me Down - In Springdale there is a statue of Popeye. Even though I can drive by the statue without blinking an eye, I know that you non-Arkansans will be simply enthralled. It's a statue. Of Popeye. Popeye the Sailor Man. Toot. Toot. The graceful lines. The pipe. Those misshapen forearms. The nipples sticking out of his knees and elbows. Could anything be closer to heaven? If this doesn't satiate your craving for Popeye statues, then you can go a little farther south to Alma and guess what? Another Popeye! Alma is also home to the "world's largest can of spinach". Actually, it's just their water tower painted to look like a can of spinach, but water tower - can of spinach, whatever. Here in Arkansas we're strong to the finish, 'cause we eats our spinach.

2. I Poop on You - In Booger Hollow there is a double-decker outhouse. (I wish I was making this up.) Ah, yes. Booger Hollow is a quaint spot on Arkansas Scenic Byway 7. And just like the highway name, the population of Booger Hollow is 7. Uh-huh. Seven people.(I really wish I was making this up) If hunger pangs strike while in Booger Hollow you can dine at the Chuckwagon Cafe and make sure you order their special, the Booger Burger. Yummy! Nothing whets the appetite more than the idea of snot balls on a sandwich. (Why can't I be making this up?) They also have a gift shop where you can buy all manner of tacky objects that are detrimental to the public view of Arkansas. I hope this roadside attraction never, ever closes because I want the stereotype of Arkansas being full of inbred dumbasses to go on forever and ever.

3. The New Holy Land - Eureka Springs. Yeah. The New Holy Land is right here in the Natural State. They've completely transformed the landscape to lull you into the false sense that you're actually in the Middle East Holy Land. There are 50 acres of hallowed ground and 38 exhibits. There's a priest, a tabernacle, Simon Peter, a stable and hold onto your hats - they even have Jesus! Jesus is here in Arkansas. THIS is where everyone is finding him. Who knew?

4. Christ of the Ozarks -Eureka Springs. Jesus H. Christ, that's one big statue. In fact, it's seven-stories tall. And lookie! He's so white! I'm not sure if the outstretched arms are supposed to be a welcoming gesture or if it's meant to be a little joke about that whole crucifixion stunt. Of course, JC could just be bragging about the size of his "holy grail". Rumor has it that the Big J was supposed to have been the centerpiece for a Christian amusement park, but that sadly did not come to be. I am sorely disappointed. By the way, is it just me or does Jesus have some abnormally skinny arms?

5. Museum of Earth History - Eureka Springs. This museum is based entirely on the biblical account of creation. None of that Satanic evolution nonsense will be found here, people.(EVOLution is also known as EVILution by fundamentalists who think that changing EVOL to EVIL is completely clever and adorable, and will make us heathens realize that the Dark Lord truly is the author of evolution. Oh, you silly fundies. You just crack me up with your little word play. Watch me laugh - Ha ha ha ha ha) So anyway, back to there's no evolution here. Nosiree, Bob. Here, earth history is based purely on a fictional book written thousands of years ago. Just as it should be.

***Disclaimer*** Lest any of you think that Eureka Springs is filled with rabid Christians waiting to pounce on you in the dark and save your soul, I must let you know that Eureka is actually one of the coolest spots in Arkansas. The three previous attractions are all on the site of the Great Passion Play, so as long as you stay away from the ginormous Jesus, you'll be fine. ***Disclaimer is now over, please resume***

6. The Turkey Trot Festival - Yellville. What could be more fun than seeing live turkeys dropped from an airplane? I know. I can't think of anything, either. And it is exactly what happens at this shindig. Animal rights activists be damned. Turkeys are made to fly. Just not very well. This festival also boasts singing and a parade and a Miss Drumstickz Contest and all manner of revelry. And you get to eat turkey, but I don't think it's the ones they drop out of the plane.

. Finally, if you want Arkansas to be just one big surprise, I'd suggest touring the state, stopping only at towns with strange names. Like: Toad Suck, Greasy Corner, Blue Ball, Bald Knob, Gassville, Smackover, Hog Jaw, Possum Grape, Stinking Bay, Turkey Scratch, Flippin (Make sure you check out the Flippin Church of God), Monkey Run, Nimrod, Fannie, Accident, Cooter, Beau-O-Rama, Beaver, Bone Town, Dickey Junction, Hickeytown, Killin, Nutts, Pee Dee or Three Way. I'm sure that even though most of these towns probably don't even have a gas station, there is sure to be something there for the family. Possibly trees or some form of body of water. Maybe a barn. Most definitely a church, 'cause boy howdy we love our churches here. Fo' sheezy!

Take Care,
The Bablatrice - who is so filled with Arkansas pride she might burst.


  1. I have GOT to go to Arkansas. I got family there, you know. My great-grandfather lit out for California from there in 1857. He musta knowed what was a-comin.

    BTW there's a two-story outhouse in Little Yosemite Valley but it's not for the same reason as this'n.

  2. Don - The Booger Burger is what is luring you, isn't it?

    Your grandfather was a very, very wise man.

    Chic- Happy New Year, to you!

  3. Turkeys! From planes!

    Please tell me you're mistaken here. Surely they would splatter upon impact. Are you sure they're not heathens dressed up in turkey costumes? I'm getting worried about your safety, Babs. Please don't let any suspicious types dress you in feathers and take you on a plane. I know it sounds wildly erotic but please promise you'll demonstrate restraint.

    I'll see if I can come up with some worthwhile Ontario trinket trash for you.

    FWG (or Fwig - or Fwog for that matter but please not Fwag - and definitely not Fwocksucker. Thx)

  4. Fwig - I'm positive. Live turkeys - dropped from a plane. I wonder what it would be like if Arkansas had a cow festival.

    I can't promise that I won't ever let anyone dress me in feathers, but I solemnly swear that I will never get into a plane while feathered.

    I adore trinket trash - especially shiny trinket trash.

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