April - An Oregon man went to the hospital complaining of a headache. X-rays revealed that the cause of the headache was 12 nails that were embedded in his skull. His first explanation was that it was a nail gun accident, but later admitted it was a suicide attempt. He also admitted that he was on meth, and was a complete fuckwit.
June - My husband and I celebrated our 1st anniversary while a 91 y/o Toledo, Ohio woman beat the shit out of a would-be purse snatcher with her would-be stolen purse. I'm sure if I thought hard enough I could come up with a correlation between the two. But I'm not in the mood for thinking. Obviously.
July - An elderly German couple were forced out of their home by squirrels. This reinforces my belief that squirrels are evil, and they're plotting to take over the world.August - A 32 y/o Polish man who had his tongue removed gets a new one made from his butt. Unfortunately, now everything tastes like ass. That was obvious wasn't it? It was. Completely obvious. I apologize.
September - A Sudanese man is forced to pay a dowry for a goat after he was found having sex with it. Also, a Serbian man had to have surgery after attempting sex with a hedgehog. So, what did you do to celebrate International Fuck an Animal Month?
October - I turned 38; my husband turned 42, and a 27 y/o Croatian woman got struck by lightning and it traveled through her body and out her bum. Amazingly, she survived. If I'm ever lucky enough to receive a super power, I want it to be the ability to shoot lightning bolts out my ass.
November - Our favorite Evangelical preacher, Ted Haggard, admits he likes some man-on-man action while being totally whacked out on meth. He disgraces gay men throughout the world because he has the personality of an Evangelical Christian, and a really, really creepy mouth.
December - A blind Turkish man is sentenced to a 26-day reading and writing course after failing to vote. His son stated, "My father can only find the bathroom by holding on to a piece of string we've tied to the (bathroom) wall." You should see how well he does in a blizzard.
Take Care,The Bablatrice - who hopes that 2007 is as newsworthy.