January 1, 2007

The Bablatrice's 2006 Year in Review

January - Officials at the Bangkok Zoo decided that their non-mating pandas need panda porn. Pandas making sweet, bear love will be shown to the two resident pandas in the hopes that it will persuade them to get their groove on. Bow chicka bow wow, and slap my panda ass.

February - A 45 year old Modesto, CA woman bit her 65 year old husband. To death. Let this be a lesson to never marry someone 20 years younger than you who has really sharp teeth and a hankering for human flesh.
March - A man in California claims he saw the image of Jesus in a plate of pasta while dining at a local restaurant. I've scrutinized this photo and can't see the saviour. But, dude. They totally burned your dinner.

April - An Oregon man went to the hospital complaining of a headache. X-rays revealed that the cause of the headache was 12 nails that were embedded in his skull. His first explanation was that it was a nail gun accident, but later admitted it was a suicide attempt. He also admitted that he was on meth, and was a complete fuckwit.

May - A 76 y/o Miami man claiming to be a doctor, went door-to-door offering free breast exams. He was subsequently charged for sexually assaulting 2 women. While Dr. Creepy was feeling up not-so-bright women in Florida, a 41 y/o Malaysian woman filed a complaint against an exorcist who was a self-proclaimed reincarnation of god. She stated that God the Exorcist told her that she was full of evil spirits and the only way to expunge these demons from her body was to pay him for sex. How much does it cost to have sex with god? Roughly 14 USD per romp. Who knew the Almighty was so cheap?

June - My husband and I celebrated our 1st anniversary while a 91 y/o Toledo, Ohio woman beat the shit out of a would-be purse snatcher with her would-be stolen purse. I'm sure if I thought hard enough I could come up with a correlation between the two. But I'm not in the mood for thinking. Obviously.

July - An elderly German couple were forced out of their home by squirrels. This reinforces my belief that squirrels are evil, and they're plotting to take over the world.

August - A 32 y/o Polish man who had his tongue removed gets a new one made from his butt. Unfortunately, now everything tastes like ass. That was obvious wasn't it? It was. Completely obvious. I apologize.

September - A Sudanese man is forced to pay a dowry for a goat after he was found having sex with it. Also, a Serbian man had to have surgery after attempting sex with a hedgehog. So, what did you do to celebrate International Fuck an Animal Month?

October - I turned 38; my husband turned 42, and a 27 y/o Croatian woman got struck by lightning and it traveled through her body and out her bum. Amazingly, she survived. If I'm ever lucky enough to receive a super power, I want it to be the ability to shoot lightning bolts out my ass.


November - Our favorite Evangelical preacher, Ted Haggard, admits he likes some man-on-man action while being totally whacked out on meth. He disgraces gay men throughout the world because he has the personality of an Evangelical Christian, and a really, really creepy mouth.

December - A blind Turkish man is sentenced to a 26-day reading and writing course after failing to vote. His son stated, "My father can only find the bathroom by holding on to a piece of string we've tied to the (bathroom) wall." You should see how well he does in a blizzard.

Take Care,

The Bablatrice - who hopes that 2007 is as newsworthy.

8 comments:

  1. Haggard a disgrace to gay men. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?

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  2. reading about wierd things in other parts of the continent...heh! thanks for the smiles.

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  3. An informative post.

    Neither can i see the picture of your savior, but i do see a picture of satan.


    haha, squirrels taking over...finally! damn humans.

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  4. Wow! The pasta! You don't see the face? It's very clear. It's not the saviour of course - unless Calvin is the saviour - But clearly you can see the face of Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes) in that picture.

    I *SO* want it. Is it for sale on eBay do you think? I must have it. And then I still must find something with Hobbes' face on it. I'm so close to completing my stuff-what-the-faces-of-Calvin-and-Hobbes-miraculously-appear-in collection!! I've got the piss-shivers I'm so excited.

    Squirrels. Hmm. I think you're off the mark there. I rather like squirrels. Here's why if you're interested: http://fantasywriterguy.blogspot.com/2006/02/in-praise-of-squirrels.html

    Sorry to hear you were illin'. On behalf of my province I'm naming you honorary Ontarian. We've all been sick over Christmas you see. Each and every sad sniffling Ontarian sonofabitch. Never seen anything like it. I still got a lingering cough. So there. Now you have all the benefits of living in Ontario "The Province Where No One Can Have Any Fun Without Paying A Mountain Of Tax" without having to pay the tax! And without the freezingness. Isn't that swell?

    You don't have to answer that. Hope you're feeling better. Hey - do you think Calvin might be The Saviour? No. Never mind. Get well.
    FWG

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  5. Don: I think you didn't think of it because it's so subtle. I mean you had to look really hard for the irony in the fact that a gay-bashing asshole was found participating in a gay relationship. And then denied it. And then decided that he needed to be cured rather than just be gay. I could actually forgive the man if he just accepted his homosexuality and made a stand for it. Somehow, I doubt that will happen. I'm done ranting now.

    Claudemarie: You are more than welcome. I'm glad you enjoyed the weirdness.

    Vinicio: You can see Satan? That's like way cool. Watch those squirrels, they're sneaky little bastards. By the way, your name is a lot of fun to say.

    FWG - I hope you don't mind that I'm calling you Fwig in my head. Anyway, Calvin? First Vinicio sees Satan and you see Calvin, and all I can come up with is a ruined dinner.

    I did read your post about squirrels. It's very clear to me that they've brainwashed you. Get help immediately.

    I can't begin to tell you how swell I think it is that I'm an honorary Ontarian. Do I get a sweatshirt or something for it? A key to something or other? A monogrammed dishtowel?

    I hope that all the hacking and mucous may soon leave your fine land.

    I had a guy show me his tattoo of Hobbes once and it was dangerously close to his nether regions. He then asked me if I wanted to meet Calvin. I doubt this answers your question as to whether Calvin is the saviour or not, though.

    Sorry I couldn't be of more assistance.

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  6. I already have the ability to shoot lightning out my ass. But first I need to eat 8 pounds of wings and wash it down with 20 Taquilla shots.

    For this ability, in some states I am known as "Shiva, Destroyer Of Worlds."

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  7. Eeeeekkk - I think I'm jealous. However, I want my lightning bolts to come without indigestion or a hangover. Am I asking for too much?

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  8. Yes. Yes you are. You are a fool, icarus, to fly too close to the sun on borrowed wings.

    If you do come up with a better way, please let me know. I may need to come study at your feet.

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