January 4, 2007

More Fun at the Office

Since I have the honor of being in the front office at work, I get to greet anyone who should walk though the door. The majority of the time it's just someone needing directions. I wonder if they realize that I'm purposely misleading them? Anyway, I also get to deal with anyone who fills out an application. And I get to ask them questions to see if we really need to call them in for an interview. Questions like: Does that thing on your neck hurt? If you could be any bacteria, which would you choose? Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live inside a grape? Do you agree that Smurfette was a whore?

Oh yes, I am privy to all kinds of pertinent information, and this includes the reason they left their last job. I've compiled a list of a few of the more stellar reasons. And they are:

  • B.S. Then you should feel right at home here. "More bullshit" is our motto.
  • Price of copper went down. Oh, well of course. That explains everything.
  • My father-in-law is the owner. That's an excellent reason. But what the hell possessed you to work for your father-in-law in the first place?
  • Boss didn't want me no more. He just said he was tired of me. I done things he didn't think I could do and he got mad. Dude, you have super powers? Can you shoot lightning bolts out your ass?
  • I'll explain. Oooh...so ominous. Can you write it down in code, 'cause that'd be way cool.
  • Terminated? Maybe? Possibly? Who could have the answer to this conundrum?
  • Stole Pay. Uh. I don't think I'd be admitting that when you're filling out an application. Wait until after we hire you and let us find out the hard way.
  • Not happy in food. How can you not be happy in food? I love it when I'm in food. Especially gumdrops. There's nothing like being in a big tub of gumdrops.
  • Personal issue - had to leave area. Witness protection program? You mowed down everyone at your last job and you're wanted by the FBI?
  • Gas. Oh my, that's quite...um..well that had to be embarrassing for you. And, by the way, you kinda stink.
  • Love box closed. Exactly what was your former job?
  • Mike said no more. That Mike's a toughie, but we all know when Mike says, "no more" he means it!
  • Sick reason. You fucked a muskrat on the job? You were caught flinging poop at your fellow employees? You asked your co-workers to lick your hand because you could smell it and make an educated guess as to what they had for lunch?
  • Went through a lawsuit with the company. You sound like the ideal employee.
  • Treated me like dishwasher. They threw me sauce dip. Aarrgh. Them lily-livered landlubbers are always throwin' me sauce dip. I be makin' 'em walk the plank fer it and they can throw all the sauce dip they be wantin' to down in Davy Jones' Locker.
  • I think I was laid off. I think you're not hired.
  • Moved to NW Arkansas as planned. Roger that. Proceed to Phase II of Project Purple Goose. The purple goose says swim like a polliwog. I repeat. Swim like a polliwog. Over and out. (What the hell is wrong with me?)
  • No reason. Good enough for me. Welcome aboard!

Take Care,

The Bablatrice - she's the cheesiest.


  1. Hey there, I've browsed over your a blog a couple times now, and I figured it was about time I left a comment.

    And I must say, living inside a grape would be an interesting change. Maybe a little sticky, kinda squishy I would imagine, but I think it would be a fun experiment...if only I could get down to size.

    Anyways, keep blogging...you've got some abstract but always fun, interesting thoughts to share.

  2. Thank you! I'm glad you decided to comment, and let me know that you read my odd ramblings.

    You don't have to shrink yourself, you have to enlarge the grape. If you happen to have any nuclear waste laying around the house, just use it as fertilizer on a grape vine, and I'll bet that would do the trick. It does wonders for my tomatoes.

  3. I found you by hitting "next blog" and I am really glad I did. You are so hilarious! LOVE THIS LIST! Keep up the good work and a scout may find you and put you on TV!

  4. OMG... Laughed my head clear off as usual.

    Here in Ontario there's a lot of legislation around hiring practices and what employers can and can not ask of prospective hires. For instance - age. Not allowed. Also - in cases where an applicant specifically states "Not happy in food" - you must not ask him or her to ponder their living inside a grape. We're very strict on that.

  5. Gina - I'm thrilled you found your way to my little corner of blathering. Thanks!

    Fwig - Oh dear god. Do you think I've violated Code 456, Section 65abwe5 by asking the food question to the obviously food-sensitive applicant? What is the punishment for such blatant violation of the rules?