January 27, 2007

Those Christians Be Crazy

Riddle Me This

What is blasphemous, fucking funny and rhymes?

Fwig's poem that he wrote and dedicated to me! Yeah. He dedicated it to me, and that's just pretty damn awesome. It's titled,
Smashing on the Dash , and it is seriously brilliant. Go. Go read it now. I laughed so hard my toenails fell off.

Fwig, you have to get this published somewhere. I think you should submit it to Christianity Today. I'm sure they would positively scramble to fit it into their next issue.

Syrup and Smut

The lovely
Carla (and she is lovely, have a look at her blog and you'll see) pointed me to this website.

Well, slap my ass and call me Aunt Jemima! For a mere 8 beans, you can go listen to someone preach on the evils of the dirty, dirty porn industry while you're snarfing down hot stacks. Mmmmm...sticky syrupy goodness and fornication. Even though the name, cheesy paper plate, plastic fork and syrup script make it look like a satire site, I swear on all things holy that it's not. Did you see that? I just swore on holy things. I kill me.

God Digs 4/4 Time

Valley Bible Church in Lancaster, CA has released a music CD, Redeeming the Rhyme. It is a compilation of popular songs that they've re-written to make them fit for Jesus. Here is possibly the best of the bunch. It's a re-write of Barbara Ann, titled
Bible Man and with scintillating lyrics like this, how could it not be a winner?

It’s got me walkin’ and a growin’
Walkin’ and a healin’
Bible Man
Bi-bi-bi-Bible man

Suck it up, Beach Boys, you just got spanked by a church group.

This is Major Tom to Ground Control

Arthur Blessit is a man. A man on a mission. The mission is from god. He's been trudging all across this fine earth of ours toting a 12-foot cross. Artie's even made it into the Guinness Book of Records for the 'world's longest walk'. And as the website specifies: On Foot! But I'd be more impressed if it was On Scrotum! Anyway, a smaller cross has been carved out of the cross he's been lugging around, and this spring it's going to be launched into space. We're going to have a cross orbiting the earth, people! And it's about time, too. The space-bound cross is 2 inches tall, and...

Wait a minute, that can't be right.

Oh. It is. 2 inches tall and one-half of an inch wide.

We probably won't be able to see it with the naked eye then, will we?

Not only is there going to be a cross the size of a stick of gum, but also a miniature bible on microform, along with these stickers. Have you been turned on to Jesus?

So, I guess this means that the Christians are doing their best to convert any visitors from other galaxies we might have. Well, good luck with that, Jesus people.

The website also explains how these objects will orbit our earth, and then states:

This means that in time the cross will pass over 'the entire' earth! Every inch of it! I leave it to you to ponder the Prophetic and Biblical significance of this!

I'm going to stop here and let you ponder the Prophetic and Biblical significance of this, because I've pondered it and the only thing I can come up with is that Dude! Really! Likes! Exclamation! Points! Which makes him sound a lot like Captain Kirk in my head. Not that Captain Kirk is in my head, just that I can hear Captain Kirk in my head. I mean, I'm not having auditory Kirk hallucinations...meh...forget it.

Take Care,
The Bablatrice - who would find it quite amusing if the cross managed to take out the Trinity Broadcasting Network's satellite.


  1. You're one of the funniest people I've ever read. I just wasted way too much time reading back through a bunch of your posts, and I have to say...you're effing hilarious. (And yes, I just used "effing" as a word.)

    You're so on my blogroll.

  2. WE need to get you more exposure. You are spot on and freakin hilarious.

  3. Faran - Well, thanks! I'm thrilled you found your way here. And effing is a word. At least in my head.

    Carla - you have no idea how much that means coming from another woman. I know that sounds weird, and I won't go into the sob story that makes it mean so much. Instead, I'll save us the ruined makeup and estrogen rush and just say "thanks".

  4. Wow - so many posts to catch up on. My internet time's been severely limited of late since Steve-o busted our wireless router leaving him with internet and me without (doesn't seem fair, does it?)

    Okay - Bible Man? Who the hell is Bible Man? Something tells me that God's answer to Weird Al (Weird Abraham?)just had a big ol' horn-on for Brian Wilson and chose the song before figuring out what he wanted to say. And then discovered that Vir-vir-vir Vir-virgin Mary sounded monstrously stupid.

    As in ever-so-slightly-less-monstrously-stupid than Bi-bi-bi Bi-bible man... Hey - do you think Bible man's really bi? Maybe Weird Abraham's got a little subliminal subversion going on!

  5. Weird Abraham. I love that. Oh my. Maybe I should re-write a few Christian songs myself. One small glitch, though. Would Weird Abraham speak Hebrew? 'Cause my Hebrew is a little rusty.