January 20, 2007

Desperately Seeking...

Are you ready for another Flumadiddle special feature? Of course you are. I'm going to start sharing what our fellow humans are searching for on this great, big, lovely Internet. I'll have what people searched for and then I'll give my answer. You know, like I was the search engine.

Jesus, could I make it sound any dumber?

So, I'm just going to stop this now and get on with it.

Seek and Ye Shall Find

Directions to a certain destination - Get in your car. Drive a lot. Turn left.
Best Place for Winter Sun - Surprisingly enough, the face of the sun. Mercury would run a close second.
Find dentist - Now sit. Stay. Roll over. Play dead. Now bring dentist to me. Good boy.
Kissing techniques - You're 12, aren't you?
What would a Victorian prostitute wear - You sill wouldn't get a date, Condi.
Grow your eyelashes - First you have to gather the dung of a Venetian wood otter. Dry out the dung in a solar oven you hand crafted out of drill bits. Crush the dung into a fine powder with a fossilized dinosaur penis. Mix with 2 teaspoons of holy water that you pilfered from the Vatican. Apply daily and in 12 short weeks you'll have 18 inch eyelashes.
Totally free car - Unless you count prison time as a "cost", stealing one is always an option.
How do I get quick money - Dress like a Victorian prostitute.
How big is China - Fucking huge.
Free tips on how to last longer during sex - Well, my brother-in-law swears that saying "Scooter Libby" over and over does the trick for him. You probably want to make sure you don't do this out loud, unless you're having sex with Scooter Libby. In fact, having sex with Scooter Libby would probably work as a deterrent, too.
The secret - I'd tell you, but I can't. It's a secret. Tee hee.
I want to compare prices - Butter costs less than a sailboat.
Give me a list of hobbies - Not until you ask nicely, asshat.

Butt pimple - That's not a butt pimple. That is the mark of Satan which you developed by masturbating while watching reruns of The A-Team. And you're going to die from it. I hope your "bopping the bologna" sessions were worth it, you sicko. Just kidding. It's a pimple. On your butt.
Vasactomy - Well, you missed the spelling, but damn if it doesn't make a lot of sense.
Alchol withdraw - Yeah. Maybe you should just wait until you're sober. Then you'll find out all about it.
Test - Sorry. You failed. You should study harder next time.
Banana peel gas - If you're eating banana peels, gas is probably the least of your worries.
ZZ Top Jesus - I know the beard makes the Big J look like he was a member of ZZ Top, but that's just a rumor.
Goofy mechanic - Well, aren't they all?
What happened when my dog froze to death - First he got cold. Then he got colder. Then he got really, really cold. Then he died.
What is a search engine? - You're joking, right? You're not. Well, you're a moron.
Gods purpose for my life - Get 253 tattoos of lobster traps. Yes. Lobster traps. Do not question me, I am the God of Abraham and will smite you if you don't obey. Quit bathing. Have every third tooth extracted. Sacrifice a marmot on the second Thursday of every month. Only eat the meat of a virgin 3-toed sloth. Bark at the mailman. Smell the elbows of people you meet on the street and never wear anything other than purple socks and a wetsuit.

Take Care,
The Bablatrice - who probably needs more sleep.


  1. Oh dear. Your words have brought me to tears once again. You have to start an advice column. You really do.

    (Here's a question. What do the aliens mean when they say "dhsacv!")

  2. Fwig - I make grown men cry a lot for some reason. I agree. My next Flumadiddle special feature should be an advice column. And, I'll give you all the credit for the idea. I'm sure that will involve fabulous prizes and stuff.

    When the aliens say dhsacv, it means they have taken over control of 1/3 of your brain. I'm not sure of the exact location - somewhere in the left lobe. I also don't know what effects this may have on you. I'm sure you'll find out soon enough.

  3. That's crazy and twisted, (and really funny).

  4. A search engine is secretly slave children on bicycles, powering a machine that passes pieces of paper out to a bunch of older slave children, to be sorted by topic and entered into a computer by adult slaves by punch cards and Fortran written databases.

    Now-a-days it's all done with illegal immigrants and Visual Studio 2005. =]

  5. Teague - Well, thanks! For all three, even.

    Minimal - Really? I always thought it was tiny cattle in hamster wheels. I learned something new today!