November 22, 2010
I guess I just have a lot of fortitude, because god in heaven knows how tempting it is to want to hook up with the ex-boyfriend who gave me slobbery kisses in the backseat of a '73 Plymouth Duster while clumsily trying to cop a feel of my boobs. And the fact that we haven't seen each other in over 20 years and probably don't have a goddamn thing in common makes an affair even MORE alluring. Sweet merciful lord save me!
But enough about me.
Let's get back to Pastor Cedric. Not only did Cedric claim that Facebook was a "portal to infidelity", he even demanded that his church leaders delete their Facebook accounts or resign from their positions.
Speaking of positions, I wonder which one Cedric was in when he and his wife had a three-way affair with a church member a few years ago.
November 19, 2010
1. Have your pet cremated. This may require some digging and a really big bonfire if you already went with a conventional burial.
2. Go over to softhearted.com and order one of their pet pillows with the special ash pouch.
3. Tuck the plastic bag of pet ashes into the pouch.
4. Put the special ash pouch inside your pillow.
5. Hug the life out of your pet! Well, I guess that's not possible, but you can hug really, super duper hard.
One of the many, many totally groovy things about the pet pillow is that it will accommodate a wide variety of pets: rats, birds, ferrets, rabbits, reptiles, dogs, cats, weasels, skunks, armadillos, lemurs - anything up to 150 pounds. That's 150 lbs before cremation, so your pet Sasquatch's ashes won't fit. Your pet pillow also comes in three neutral colors that are sure to match your decor, as long as you decor is creepy enough to include a pillow with your pet's ashes stuffed inside it.
But the best part about the pet pillow? You can get one for as low as $110. That's right! Only 110 measely stinkin' American dollars. I know at first that may seem like a lot of money for a throw pillow, but it has a special ash pouch! A pouch that holds pet ashes! Of course, you could just buy the pouch for 10 bucks and shove it in a throw pillow you already have, but I don't think it would be as magical or huggable.
What are you waiting for? Go order your pet pillow now!
Great big non-ashy hugs,
Disclaimer: Neither Flumaiddle, Inc., its affiliates, associates or asshats have an affiliation with Soft-Hearted Products, nor does Flumadiddle, Inc., its affiliates, associates or asshats even have a soft heart.
November 2, 2010
For today's post I thought we were due another installment of Desperately Seeking. We haven't had one in a long time, so I'll explain. The stat counter I use for my blog keeps track of all the searches people have conducted that have landed them here at Flumadiddle. Then I share the better ones with you, and by "better", I mean "more demented". So...here we go! The queries are in bold, my answers are not so bold.
•Who made fruitie balls? – The same company that makes Savorie Sacs.I sincerely hope everyone is doing well and that your life is going exactly the way you want it to.
•Penis inside vagina, she said huck me - oh huck me! Huck me harder!
•Bipolar express is that a joke? Yes. As well as bipolar cap and bipolar bear.
•How to wear pink pumps – Grasp a pump firmly in one hand. Slide it onto a foot. Preferably yours. Repeat on other foot. Tada!
• Virginity sho – Is this a fill in the blank? I’ll play along. Virginity sho’ was a long time ago.
• Flaming seal – C’mon. Clubbing them is bad enough, but setting them on fire is just too much. Unless you mean, flaming, as in gay flaming. Well, in that case, flame on you fabulous seal!
•Liver cleanse nibiruan council oil coke- I don't even have an answer for this one. Seriously. What the fuck were you on when you Googled this shit?
•Flumadiddle recipe – It’s 3 parts flum to 7 parts diddle. Whisk until frothy. Enjoy!
•Nun fuck blogspot - This one actually makes a lot of sense.
So much love it will choke you,
October 13, 2010
I'm actually not quite sure that nunship is the proper term. Nunning? Nunifying?
Anyway, here's a little nunnification for you
September 27, 2010
But here's what I'm working on:
1. An anti-gay agenda spray. It will be formulated to kill 98.9% of the bacteria that make up the gay agenda.
2. An actual photo of a radical homosexual. I'd prefer a live capture, but I have a feeling that a radical homosexual is pretty hard to corner, much less get a pillowcase over their head.
3. Coming up with a different name for radical homosexuals, because "radical homosexuals" takes too many syllables to say.
If you can come up with an alternate name for "radical homosexuals", let me know in the comments.
Loads of very straight love,
September 17, 2010
Plus, I have my own sources and they've informed me that President Obama even has a slogan for his evil plan, "A homosexual in every pot."
September 15, 2010
September 8, 2010
See? Now that's the way to piss off the Muslims.
Which I don't want to do, because they might kill me.
In other news about religions that I really knowing nothing about, Rosh Hashanah began at tonight at sundown. I have no idea what Rosh Hashanah is except it's Jewish and sounds like it could be a Jewish sasquatch.
Make sure you eat all your gifelte fish, kids, or the Rosh Hashanah will come and eat you.
I'm kidding. I know what Rosh Hashanah is.
It's when the Jews celebrate how they killed Jesus.
Now That's a Spicy Matzo Ball!
September 3, 2010
Let me say rephrase that.
Ray Comfort, the dude who attempts to prove there's a god by using a banana, said that Stephen Hawking, the fucking brilliant theoretical physicist, is unscientific.
He then went on to show even more of his total and complete grasp of science by stating, "Nor should an atheist speak of gravity as being a 'law,' because that also denotes the axiom of a Law-giver. Laws don't happen by themselves."
Ray, I could explain to you how you're an imbecile, but I don't think you'd be able to understand because, well, you're an imbecile. So, I've made a graph for you. With pictures.
Well, I guess I was wrong. You aren't smart enough to be an imbecile, Ray. In fact, it looks like you're dumber than George W. Bush. You should just go find a cave to live in now.
Don't forget your helmet!
September 1, 2010
Joseph Farah, founder of WND, is like way, way pissed at Ann and said that all future moustache rides for her have been cut off, which is a shame because Joey has quite the pornstache.
August 28, 2010
Why does he have a church that worships the orgasm? Because according to Carlos orgasm = god and should be worshiped. Why not? At least it's something tangible and orgasms have done way, way, way more for me than any god ever has. Carlos believes that orgasms shouldn't be limited to ejaculation. He thinks that, "You can reach it through art or by looking at a landscape and thinking 'Wow!'"
This only makes me think of one thing. Double rainbow dude.
Just so you know that Carlos isn't a figment of my imagination, you can read the story here.
Great big Os,
August 24, 2010
But that's not really what this post is about. That was just a warm-up to show just how amazing Arkansas can be. And by "amazing" I mean "goddamn backwards".
Captain Woody and I were cruising down one of the fine highways in our fine state this weekend and we came upon this:
August 12, 2010
August 11, 2010
Pastor Donald Crosby may be just a bit of a drama queen. After being arrested for illegally protesting at a Warner Robins school, Donnie stated that "I don't scare easily. Lock me up as many times as you have to lock me up. Even kill me if you have to. I'm standing up for Jesus."
I really don't think the police are going to kill you, Donnie. Of course, you do live in Georgia, so who knows what could happen.
Donnie is upset that the school's mascot is a demon so he thought a protest was in order. The only problem with the protest was that Donnie didn't acquire a permit to protest. And even after the police asked him several times to leave the school property and go get a permit, Donnie refused. So, he was arrested. Now, Donnie wants us all to think that he was arrested for "standing up for Jesus", but that's just not true.
Yo, Donnie! You were arrested for not having a permit. You weren't arrested because you voiced your opinion about how the demon mascot is evil and probably makes the kids want to do things like listen to rock music and touch each other in their naughty spots. You aren't a martyr. You're a fuckwit. And your shirt is ugly.
And, the sign one of your protestors was holding up that read, "Home games will have to be played in hell." - Well, no fucking shit, dude. Once again, YOU LIVE IN GEORGIA!
And, your shirt is still ugly.
Big demonic kisses,
Here's the story.
August 9, 2010
It's been a long time since I've posted a church sign, but I think this one was worth the wait. I don't even have to comment on it. The sign says it all. Thank you, Church Sign Guy. I still love you more than life itself.
Great big orgasms from Jesus,
August 4, 2010
Pissed enough that he took the time to place the posters on the AFA website. Of course, he blurred out the model's naughty bits so as to not cause our eyes to burst into flames the minute we laid eyes on a pair of bare boobies.
Here's what Tim had to say about the posters, "These aren't just posters of scantily-clad women. Some of them depict groups of people, lesbians and others engaged in ***ual activities. Very little is left to the imagination."
Do you think Tim always speaks in asterisks?
I'm sure that his whole deal with putting the posters on the AFA website was explained away as research. I mean, Jesus himself probably told Tim to look at the posters of nude women and then rub his mouse around and around and around their girl parts to blur them out. He probably even had to do it several times to make sure he got it right. It's a good thing you can use the blur tool in Photoshop with just one hand, huh?
From now on, research=wank time!
What I want to know is...how did Tim find these pics anyway? Hmmmm....Here is the original story.
Big naked hugs!
August 3, 2010
Me, too. And then I have a complete conversation going on in my head between two Minnesotans. One of them is ALWAYS named Tom, and they're always getting ready to go have some beers.
Am I starting to sound a bit nuts? I am, aren't I? Welcome to my head, kids. It's a circus of crazy in here!
Speaking of nuts, let's get back to Tom. He recently told the AP that even though he's sexually attracted to men, that since he's never actually had his peepee in another man nor has he had another man's peepee in him, then he isn't gay.
He may or may not have actually used the term 'peepee'. He also may or may not actually know the meaning of the word 'gay'.
Tom is reportedly a memeber of a support group for Christians who struggle with same sex attraction. Um, to be more accurate, I really think the support group should be classified as people with same sex attractions who struggle with being a Christian. After all, one is perfectly natural and the other is contrived, at best, and requires vast stretches of the imagaination. Not to mention worshiping a man-god who wants you to eat his flesh and drink his blood.
Tom also had this to say about the gay, "I think we're all born heterosexual actually, and then stuff goes wrong,"
I think it's obvious from the phrase "stuff goes wrong" that Tom is not only a man of god, but he's also highly scientific. I'm talkin' through the roof scientific.
He also believes that anyone who engages in homosexuality is going to go to hell. Do you know what this means? It means that all of you gays and lesbians are going to have such an easy time getting laid in hell.
I'm not sure it's fair.
And, Tom? Dude. You're like totally gay.
You can check out the full story here.
July 31, 2010
Yesterday I found Jesus. Did you hear that people? I FUCKING FOUND JESUS! I am so excited I'm damn near speechless!
It turns out Jesus has been waiting for me in a cemetery up in a tree. I can't disclose the location for fear that Jesus will be overrun with people wanting to touch his tree or carve chunks out of it to take home with them.
Unlike most of the other Jesus sightings, I don't have to even circle or outline or draw arrows to where Jesus is. You know what this means? Jesus obviously loves me more than all of those other people and he's probably ready for his beej.
Hugs and big wet kisses,
July 25, 2010
Okay, I may have made up the previous paragraph, but the AFA is boycotting Home Depot because the reprobates at Home Depot support diversity and the AFA is against anyone who isn't exactly like they are. The president of the AFA, Tim Wildmon, also known as the Chief of Douchebaggery, had this to say about it,“It’s no longer ‘The Home Depot,’ it’s now ‘The Homosexual Depot.’" That's actually pretty funny. I'm sure Tim didn't meant it to be, but I think it has a nice ring to it. How nice?
Be careful when you go into a Home Depot store, because since embracing the homosexual agenda, the hardware department is not what it used to be.
You can read about it here.
July 23, 2010
Due to the actions of an atheist thief who has stolen my material and posted evil postings about our Christian beliefs. She refuses to remove her sarcastic evil rantings about Christianity and God and refuses to remove the pictures of my material that she has stolen from me. I have had to post this warning. Disclaimer: I certify that everything on this site is real and that I have personally experienced what I have written below. All material on this site is copyright protected. Do not copy, link, modify, or reproduce any material on this site without my express permission. Any violation will result in legal action. If you would like a copy of any of my photos below with an express license please let me know and I will be happy to send you one.
Also, Ray has taken all of the mentions of his holy cracker being a Ritz cracker and has taken off the pictures of the Ritz box. I guess he figured out that he was doing a little bit of copyright infringement on his own.
Here is a cached version of his webpage that still has the Ritz pics on it.
*End of update*It's official. Ray is like totally infatuated with me!You know how I know? Because he wrote a love poem to me on his Jesus cracker page. See for yourself.
I love that he wrote it in red because red is the color of Jesus' blood. It's also the color of Valentine hearts. And roses. And Jesus' blood!
Ray has very generously offered to send a copy of his Jesus cracker photos to anyone who asks, so I think you guys know what to do. Get over to Ray's page and get you some Jesus cracker pics.
Here is the post that started this lovefest between Ray and I.
I think I love Ray more than I love Jesus, and that's a lot!
Smacks on the ass,
July 22, 2010
For those of you who don't know why Ray wants to sue me, it's because of this post. I think it's obvious that Ray is named Ray because he's a ray of sunshine!
If this material is not removed immediately, I will give your personal
information to my attorney, and we will pursue legal punitive damages for
slander, personal defamation, and copyright infringement.
July 21, 2010
I've read your blog about the "Cracker Please". I am Ray and I'm extremely angry about your post. First, you do not have my direct permission to post my pictures of my copyrighted material on your site. Second, how dare you defame my character by insinuating that I’m some sort of crackpot. If you do not remove this post immediately and apologize on your blog I will take legal action. My site will not allow a right click to copy the pictures. I have blocked that function. So, you have directly and deliberately violated my copyright by stealing my material. This is theft it’s against the law and I will not accept this type of behavior. Defamation of character is still against the law. Post an apology, remove my pictures from your site or I’ll be forced to sue you. And I will sue you.
Have a nice day!
Now, I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong. Deep down, Ray isn't really pissed at me. If you read between the lines, you'll see that Ray's love for my post comes only second to his love for me.
Since Ray has experienced his own cracker miracle, I wonder what he w uld make of the miracle I discovered in a box of animal crackers.
I know it's not the Virgin Mary and Jesus (at least I hope it's not), but it's still pretty miraculous. What do you think you get when you mate an elephant and a lion? Is that a lion? It's hard to tell, but that elephant sure has a really big trunk, huh?
I suppose I could sell prints of my miraculous cracker like Ray is doing over at Rays Kitchen, but I'd rather share the love for free. My particular brand of religion doesn't cost anything. Well, nothing more than your soul, but who needs one of those?
And you can purchase them here.
July 19, 2010
Ray Favereau has had a Ritz cracker since 2007 and it's still the same as when he took it out of the package! There's a simply logical reason for this perpetually fresh cracker. It's because it is most holy and divine.
See for yourself.
Whatta you mean you don't see anything? Look closer.
Still nothing? Try this enhanced version.
Still don't see anything? You know why? Because you don't have any faith, you shamless reprobate. Close your eyes and pray really hard and then look at this next shot and see if you can make out anything.
Now you see it? The left side of the cracker is Jesus and the right side is his very famous mother! It's amazing how clear they are once you pray and then draw them on there, isn't it? This could also be King Arthur and Clara Barton, but that wouldn't be nearly as sacred, would it?
I'll bet if Ray ate the cracker, he'd live forever.
I think the lesson to be learned from this, kids, is to never, ever eat another Ritz cracker again. Anything that stays fresh for three years can't be very healthy - even if it does have Jesus on it.