November 22, 2010

Thou Shalt Not Use Facebook

After reading an article about Pastor Cedric Miller's view on Facebook, I'm demanding that Facebook change it's name to "Fornicationbook".  Yes, it's a tad wordier, but hella more appropriate.  You see, kids, Cedric believes that seemingly innocent re-connecting with old friends and flames on Facebook leads to adultery and and all manner of debauchery.  I have to agree with him.  Facebook is a den of iniquity that is teeming with the allure of high school exes and hookups that never happened.  And it makes my naughty parts tingle every single fucking time I sign on. 

I guess I just have a lot of fortitude, because god in heaven knows how tempting it is to want to hook up with the ex-boyfriend who gave me slobbery kisses in the backseat of a '73 Plymouth Duster while clumsily trying to cop a feel of my boobs.  And the fact that we haven't seen each other in over 20 years and probably don't have a goddamn thing in common makes an affair even MORE alluring.  Sweet merciful lord save me!

But enough about me. 

Let's get back to Pastor Cedric.  Not only did Cedric claim that Facebook was a "portal to infidelity", he even demanded that his church leaders delete their Facebook accounts or resign from their positions. 

Speaking of positions, I wonder which one Cedric was in when he and his wife had a three-way affair with a church member a few years ago. 

A male church member.

Yes Sirree Bob!  After delivering his Facebook sermon, it was revealed that ol' Ced was getting his kink on in a little holy trinity of his own. 

Well, A-fucking-men and pass the anal lube!

You can read about Cedric here  and here

Big wet sloppy kisses and boob grabs,

November 19, 2010

Hug Me

Have you recently had a pet that crossed Rainbow Bridge and is now in that big pet park in the sky?  Do you wish you could still wrap your arms around your pet and give him or her a great big hug?  Well, wish no more.  In just five easy steps, you can have your arms wrapped around Fifi Fluffydoodle lickityfuckinsplit!   

1.  Have your pet cremated.  This may require some digging and a really big bonfire if you already went with a conventional burial. 

2.  Go over to and order one of their pet pillows with the special ash pouch. 

3.  Tuck the plastic bag of pet ashes into the pouch. 

4.  Put the special ash pouch inside your pillow. 

5.  Hug the life out of your pet!  Well, I guess that's not possible, but you can hug really, super duper hard. 

One of the many, many totally groovy things about the pet pillow is that it will accommodate a wide variety of pets: rats, birds, ferrets, rabbits, reptiles, dogs, cats, weasels, skunks, armadillos, lemurs - anything up to 150 pounds.  That's 150 lbs before cremation, so your pet Sasquatch's ashes won't fit.  Your pet pillow also comes in three neutral colors that are sure to match your decor, as long as you decor is creepy enough to include a pillow with your pet's ashes stuffed inside it. 

But the best part about the pet pillow? You can get one for as low as $110.  That's right!  Only 110 measely stinkin' American dollars. I know at first that may seem like a lot of money for a throw pillow, but it has a special ash pouch!  A pouch that holds pet ashes!  Of course, you could just buy the pouch for 10 bucks and shove it in a throw pillow you already have, but I don't think it would be as magical or huggable. 

What are you waiting for?  Go order your pet pillow now!

Great big non-ashy hugs,

Disclaimer:  Neither Flumaiddle, Inc., its affiliates, associates or asshats have an affiliation with Soft-Hearted Products, nor does Flumadiddle, Inc., its affiliates, associates or asshats even have a soft heart.

November 2, 2010


I haven't posted anything here since October 13th. What the hell is wrong with me? I mean besides all that. I hereby solemnly vow that I will try my damnedest to be a little more frequent with my blogging.

For today's post I thought we were due another installment of Desperately Seeking. We haven't had one in a long time, so I'll explain. The stat counter I use for my blog keeps track of all the searches people have conducted that have landed them here at Flumadiddle. Then I share the better ones with you, and by "better", I mean "more demented". we go! The queries are in bold, my answers are not so bold.

Who made fruitie balls? – The same company that makes Savorie Sacs.
Penis inside vagina, she said huck me - oh huck me! Huck me harder!
Bipolar express is that a joke? Yes. As well as bipolar cap and bipolar bear.
How to wear pink pumps – Grasp a pump firmly in one hand. Slide it onto a foot. Preferably yours. Repeat on other foot. Tada!
Virginity sho – Is this a fill in the blank? I’ll play along. Virginity sho’ was a long time ago.
Flaming seal – C’mon. Clubbing them is bad enough, but setting them on fire is just too much. Unless you mean, flaming, as in gay flaming. Well, in that case, flame on you fabulous seal!
Liver cleanse nibiruan council oil coke- I don't even have an answer for this one. Seriously. What the fuck were you on when you Googled this shit?
Flumadiddle recipe – It’s 3 parts flum to 7 parts diddle. Whisk until frothy. Enjoy!
Nun fuck blogspot - This one actually makes a lot of sense.
I sincerely hope everyone is doing well and that your life is going exactly the way you want it to.

So much love it will choke you,

October 13, 2010

Nun, Nun, Nun, Nun. Nuuuuun!

Oh, fuck me!  I haven't blogged in forever, have I?  I've actually been horrible at keeping anything updated.  My life outside of my nunship keeps getting in the way. 

I'm actually not quite sure that nunship is the proper term.  Nunning?  Nunifying? 

Anyway, here's a little nunnification for you

Big Smooches,

September 27, 2010

The Straight Agenda

I've decided that since the radical homosexuals have their own agenda, I should come up with a counter-agenda. I haven't gotten very far with what my counter-agenda will be.  Mostly because I'm not very organized and I tend to be pretty fucking lackadaisical about agendas. 

But here's what I'm working on:

1. An anti-gay agenda spray. It will be formulated to kill 98.9% of the bacteria that make up the gay agenda.

2. An actual photo of a radical homosexual. I'd prefer a live capture, but I have a feeling that a radical homosexual is pretty hard to corner, much less get a pillowcase over their head.

3. Coming up with a different name for radical homosexuals, because "radical homosexuals" takes too many syllables to say.

If you can come up with an alternate name for "radical homosexuals", let me know in the comments. 
Loads of very straight love,

September 17, 2010

The Radical Homosexuals Meet the Big O

President Obama has a secret plan.  A devious, secret plan.  An appalling, devious, secret plan.  What is his plan?  He wants to imbed homosexuals in every government agency possible.   How do I know of this secret plan?  Because my buddy Eugene Delgaudio (if that's his real name) over at Public Advocate sent me an email telling me that President Obama is planning to "saturate the federal government with radical homosexuals".  I know that Eugene is telling me the truth, too.  For starters, even though Eugene has liberally peppered his email with requests for donations, I know he would never lie to me just to get money.  In fact, I wrote Eugene back and made him pinky swear that he was telling me the truth.  I know a virtual pinky swear isn't the same as the real thing, but it still counts, goddammit! 

Plus, I have my own sources and they've informed me that President Obama even has a slogan for his evil plan, "A homosexual in every pot." 

Eugene also let me know that the radical homosexuals' number one mission is to spread their agenda.  I had a cousin who spread her agenda once and she ended up needing a round of antibiotics.  You have to be careful with your agenda spreading, kids. 

Mr. Delgaudio doesn't ever say what would happen should the government be overrun by the gays and lesbians, but I'm thinking it would involve show tunes and softball games.  And seqins.  Lots of sequins. 

The scariest part of Eugene's email is that Barney Frank is trying to get the Gay Bill of Special Rights passed.  I have no idea what unholy thing the Gay Bill of Special Rights is, but I have my sources working on it.  So far I've learned that #3 on the Gay Bill of Special Rights is, "Dykes will receive a 25% discount on anything that's made of flannel." I'll post it in its entirety when I obtain this information. 

Smacks on the ass,

September 15, 2010

T-Shirts and Magnets and Stickers, Oh My!

I have blasphemous t-shirts, magnets, bumper stickers and more for sale in my Zazzle shop.

Why are you still looking at this page? 

Great big wet smooches,

September 8, 2010

Excuse Me, But Your Holy Book's Aflame

So Dove Outreach Center is going to burn some Qurans on Saturday and now everyone is getting all bent out of shape and scared that there will be anti-American protests.  Well, I'm bent out of shape, too, but only because I think the Reverend Terry Jones, head preacher man at Dove, is a total pussy for merely burning Qurans.  Grow a pair, Rev! If you really want to offend the Muslims, burn an actual Muslim.  Better yet, stuff one of them in a pig that's dressed up like Muhammad and then burn the whole thing. 

See?  Now that's the way to piss off the Muslims. 

Which I don't want to do, because they might kill me.

In other news about religions that I really knowing nothing about, Rosh Hashanah began at tonight at sundown. I have no idea what Rosh Hashanah is except it's Jewish and sounds like it could be a Jewish sasquatch.

Make sure you eat all your gifelte fish, kids, or the Rosh Hashanah will come and eat you. 

I'm kidding.  I know what Rosh Hashanah is. 

It's when the Jews celebrate how they killed Jesus. 

Now That's a Spicy Matzo Ball!

September 3, 2010

Banana Trumps Science

You guys remember Ray Comfort?  The guy that hangs out with Kirk Cameron and says that a banana proves the existence of god.  The Ray I blogged about here.  Yeah.  Banana Ray.  So, Ray has his banana in a bunch because of Stephen Hawking's new book in which Hawking states that the creation of our universe didn't require any god.  You know what Ray said about Stephen Hawking?  He said that he was unscientific.

Let me say rephrase that. 

Ray Comfort,  the dude who attempts to prove there's a god by using a banana, said that Stephen Hawking, the fucking brilliant theoretical physicist, is unscientific. 

He then went on to show even more of his total and complete grasp of science by stating, "Nor should an atheist speak of gravity as being a 'law,' because that also denotes the axiom of a Law-giver. Laws don't happen by themselves."

Ray, I could explain to you how you're an imbecile, but I don't think you'd be able to understand because, well, you're an imbecile.  So, I've made a graph for you.  With pictures.  

Well, I guess I was wrong.  You aren't smart enough to be an imbecile, Ray.  In fact, it looks like you're dumber than George W. Bush.  You should just go find a cave to live in now.  

Don't forget your helmet!  

Big Hugs,  

September 1, 2010

Homocon Sounds Like a Gay Repellant

I'm sure you've all heard by now that the gay Republican group, GOProud is hosting Homocon this month and that Ann Coulter is the keynote speaker.  Ann "a huge cunt if I ever saw one" Coulter was also scheduled to be the keynote speaker for World Net Daily's very un-gay shindig the "Taking America Back National Conference", but WND dropped her gay-promoting ass when they learned about her HomoCon gig. 

Joseph Farah, founder of WND, is like way, way pissed at Ann and said that all future moustache rides for her have been cut off, which is a shame because Joey has quite the pornstache. 

Now Joey is throwing a fit and posted a rant on the WND website stating that Homocon was aptly named because it "literally represents the homo conning of the Republican Party".  You tell 'em, Joey.  It's just like ComicCon literally representing the comic conning of the Nerd Party.  God help us all if those liberty-hating nerds get the right to marry fellow nerds.  Think of all the little nerdlets we'll have running around!  I think we are all well aware that nerds, geeks and people who are just generally dorky are some of the most un-patriotic citizens we have...if they really ARE citizens. 

Joey also states that GOProud supports special government perks for homosexuals.  I really have no clue what he's talking about, but depending on the what the perks are, I could be persuaded to bat for the other team.  So if any one you know about these, please drop me a line, okay? 

I dunno what to tell you, Mr. Fabulously Fanatical Farah.  Your conservative peers have obviously pussed out and caved into the gay agenda.  Just so you know, I'm pretty sure the next item on their agenda is to actually start shopping at the same grocery stores as us.  Imagine the carnage that will ensue once they start spreading the gay all over the zucchini and casaba melons! 

You can read Joey's rant here
Here is the link to Homocon.

Great big smooches!

August 28, 2010


Carlos Bebeacua is Spanish, but lives in Sweden.  He's Speden.  He is the self-appointed cardinal of his own church, Madonna of the Orgasm.  I'm not making that up.  That's really his church's name and they worship orgasms.  Carlos was trying to get his church recognized as an official faith, but Swedish judges said no to the O. 

Poor Carlos. 

Why does he have a church that worships the orgasm?  Because according to Carlos orgasm = god and should be worshiped.  Why not?  At least it's something tangible and orgasms have done way, way, way more for me than any god ever has.  Carlos believes that orgasms shouldn't be limited to ejaculation.  He thinks that, "You can reach it through art or by looking at a landscape and thinking 'Wow!'"

This only makes me think of one thing.  Double rainbow dude. 

Just so you know that Carlos isn't a figment of my imagination, you can read the story here

Great big Os,

August 24, 2010

Mad Dog vs. Obama

For the most part I'm okay with where I live.  It may not be my number one choice, hell, it's not even in my top 10 choices, but I know I'm here for a few more years and I'm okay with that.  Most of the time.  I live in a college town so we tend to be a little more open minded than most other places in this state.  At least I thought we were.  Our local alternative paper, of which I am quite fond, tried running Savage Love last week and you'd have thought they posted a manual on how to rape and sacrifice small children, which is totally ridiculous.  They don't publish the rape/sacrifice special until October.  People were quite uptight about the column and made it clear that "porn" had no place in the paper. 

But that's not really what this post is about.  That was just a warm-up to show just how amazing Arkansas can be.  And by "amazing" I mean "goddamn backwards". 

Captain Woody and I were cruising down one of the fine highways in our fine state this weekend and we came upon this: 

And next to this very patriotic display was this...

I have no idea who these awesome vehicles belong to, so I'm just going to call him Fucktard Jimmy.  Wait.  He's obviously from the south, so I should call him Fucktard Jimmy Lee "Mad Dog"  Prideaux.  I'm sure that Jimmy pronounces his last name pry-ducks, lest anyone mistake him for one of those prissy French fuckers.   

Anyway, Mad Dog, I just wanted to let you know how thrilled I am that you are exercising your freedom of speech and reminding all of the visitors to Arkansas who pass by your most genteel display just why we're still the butt of so many jokes. 

Thanks a lot limp dick!


August 12, 2010

Big, Huge, Fucking Announcement!

Okay, maybe it's not that big of an announcement, but I got your attention didn't I?

Coming soon: Pics of Babs in action. Probably not 'bow chicka bow wow' action, but you never know!

Lots of love,

August 11, 2010

Gimme a D!

Pastor Donald Crosby may be just a bit of a drama queen. After being arrested for illegally protesting at a Warner Robins school, Donnie stated that "I don't scare easily. Lock me up as many times as you have to lock me up. Even kill me if you have to. I'm standing up for Jesus."

I really don't think the police are going to kill you, Donnie. Of course, you do live in Georgia, so who knows what could happen.

Donnie is upset that the school's mascot is a demon so he thought a protest was in order. The only problem with the protest was that Donnie didn't acquire a permit to protest. And even after the police asked him several times to leave the school property and go get a permit, Donnie refused. So, he was arrested. Now, Donnie wants us all to think that he was arrested for "standing up for Jesus", but that's just not true.

Yo, Donnie! You were arrested for not having a permit. You weren't arrested because you voiced your opinion about how the demon mascot is evil and probably makes the kids want to do things like listen to rock music and touch each other in their naughty spots. You aren't a martyr. You're a fuckwit. And your shirt is ugly.

And, the sign one of your protestors was holding up that read, "Home games will have to be played in hell." - Well, no fucking shit, dude. Once again, YOU LIVE IN GEORGIA!

And, your shirt is still ugly.

Big demonic kisses,


Here's the story.

August 9, 2010

Church Sign O' the Week

It's been a long time since I've posted a church sign, but I think this one was worth the wait. I don't even have to comment on it. The sign says it all. Thank you, Church Sign Guy. I still love you more than life itself.

Great big orgasms from Jesus,

August 4, 2010

Not Your Mother's Sears

Tim Wildmon, Chief Twatwaffle of the American Family Association, is at it again. This time he has his knickers in a knot because Sears sells posters with naked women on them. How pissed is he?

Pissed enough that he took the time to place the posters on the AFA website. Of course, he blurred out the model's naughty bits so as to not cause our eyes to burst into flames the minute we laid eyes on a pair of bare boobies.

Here's what Tim had to say about the posters, "These aren't just posters of scantily-clad women. Some of them depict groups of people, lesbians and others engaged in ***ual activities. Very little is left to the imagination."

Do you think Tim always speaks in asterisks?

I'm sure that his whole deal with putting the posters on the AFA website was explained away as research. I mean, Jesus himself probably told Tim to look at the posters of nude women and then rub his mouse around and around and around their girl parts to blur them out. He probably even had to do it several times to make sure he got it right. It's a good thing you can use the blur tool in Photoshop with just one hand, huh?

From now on, research=wank time!

What I want to know did Tim find these pics anyway? Hmmmm....

Here is the original story.

Big naked hugs!

August 3, 2010

To Gay or Not to Gay

Tom Brock is a Lutheran pastor in Minnesota. Does anybody else always hear the word "Minnesota" said with a Minnesotan accent?

Me, too. And then I have a complete conversation going on in my head between two Minnesotans. One of them is ALWAYS named Tom, and they're always getting ready to go have some beers.

Am I starting to sound a bit nuts? I am, aren't I? Welcome to my head, kids. It's a circus of crazy in here!

Speaking of nuts, let's get back to Tom. He recently told the AP that even though he's sexually attracted to men, that since he's never actually had his peepee in another man nor has he had another man's peepee in him, then he isn't gay.

He may or may not have actually used the term 'peepee'. He also may or may not actually know the meaning of the word 'gay'.

Tom is reportedly a memeber of a support group for Christians who struggle with same sex attraction. Um, to be more accurate, I really think the support group should be classified as people with same sex attractions who struggle with being a Christian. After all, one is perfectly natural and the other is contrived, at best, and requires vast stretches of the imagaination. Not to mention worshiping a man-god who wants you to eat his flesh and drink his blood.

Tom also had this to say about the gay, "I think we're all born heterosexual actually, and then stuff goes wrong,"

I think it's obvious from the phrase "stuff goes wrong" that Tom is not only a man of god, but he's also highly scientific. I'm talkin' through the roof scientific.

He also believes that anyone who engages in homosexuality is going to go to hell. Do you know what this means? It means that all of you gays and lesbians are going to have such an easy time getting laid in hell.

I'm not sure it's fair.

And, Tom? Dude. You're like totally gay.

Much love,

You can check out the full story here.

July 31, 2010

Holy Fucking Shit!!!

I have been blogging about Jesus sightings for almost 4 years. Jesus has shown up for people all across the world, but never for me. No matter how much I begged and pleaded and offered him blowjobs, Jesus has been just a total bitch about me seeing him.

Until now.

Yesterday I found Jesus. Did you hear that people? I FUCKING FOUND JESUS! I am so excited I'm damn near speechless!

It turns out Jesus has been waiting for me in a cemetery up in a tree. I can't disclose the location for fear that Jesus will be overrun with people wanting to touch his tree or carve chunks out of it to take home with them.

Unlike most of the other Jesus sightings, I don't have to even circle or outline or draw arrows to where Jesus is. You know what this means? Jesus obviously loves me more than all of those other people and he's probably ready for his beej.

Hugs and big wet kisses,

July 25, 2010

Burnin' Down the House Home

Those lovely fuckers over at the American Family Association have declared war on Home Depot. They are encouraging citizens of our fine country to enter Home Depots across America armed with flame throwers and then start burning the place down. You can also rape or pillage, but it's probably a good idea to start those prior to the fire.

Okay, I may have made up the previous paragraph, but the AFA is boycotting Home Depot because the reprobates at Home Depot support diversity and the AFA is against anyone who isn't exactly like they are. The president of the AFA, Tim Wildmon, also known as the Chief of Douchebaggery, had this to say about it,“It’s no longer ‘The Home Depot,’ it’s now ‘The Homosexual Depot.’" That's actually pretty funny. I'm sure Tim didn't meant it to be, but I think it has a nice ring to it. How nice?

This nice.

Be careful when you go into a Home Depot store, because since embracing the homosexual agenda, the hardware department is not what it used to be.

You can read about it

Big smooches,

July 23, 2010

Raysing the Bar

*UPDATE* Ray took down the paragraph he'd written about me on his webpage. But, I had already saved it, so here it is.

Due to the actions of an atheist thief who has stolen my material and posted evil postings about our Christian beliefs. She refuses to remove her sarcastic evil rantings about Christianity and God and refuses to remove the pictures of my material that she has stolen from me. I have had to post this warning. Disclaimer: I certify that everything on this site is real and that I have personally experienced what I have written below. All material on this site is copyright protected. Do not copy, link, modify, or reproduce any material on this site without my express permission. Any violation will result in legal action. If you would like a copy of any of my photos below with an express license please let me know and I will be happy to send you one.

Also, Ray has taken all of the mentions of his holy cracker being a Ritz cracker and has taken off the pictures of the Ritz box. I guess he figured out that he was doing a little bit of copyright infringement on his own.

Here is a cached version of his webpage that still has the Ritz pics on it.

*End of update*

It's official. Ray is like totally infatuated with me!You know how I know? Because he wrote a love poem to me on his Jesus cracker page. See for yourself.
It's right

I love that he wrote it in red because red is the color of Jesus' blood. It's also the color of Valentine hearts. And roses. And Jesus' blood!

Ray has very generously offered to send a copy of his Jesus cracker photos to anyone who asks, so I think you guys know what to do. Get over to Ray's page and get you some Jesus cracker pics.

Here is the post that started this lovefest between Ray and I.

I think I love Ray more than I love Jesus, and that's a lot!

Smacks on the ass,

July 22, 2010

Ray + Babs = True Love Forever

Ray sent me another email tonight. A few more of these and I'll be picking out the silverware pattern.

If this material is not removed immediately, I will give your personal
information to my attorney, and we will pursue legal punitive damages for
slander, personal defamation, and copyright infringement.

Raymond Favereau

For those of you who don't know why Ray wants to sue me, it's because of this post. I think it's obvious that Ray is named Ray because he's a ray of sunshine!


July 21, 2010

Angriness is Next to Godliness

You guys remember Ray? The man with the holy cracker that I was generous enough to spotlight on my Cracker, Please post? Well, it seems that Ray has recently become a fan of Flumadiddle. Yay for new fans! I received the following letter from him after he read my post.

I've read your blog about the "Cracker Please". I am Ray and I'm extremely angry about your post. First, you do not have my direct permission to post my pictures of my copyrighted material on your site. Second, how dare you defame my character by insinuating that I’m some sort of crackpot. If you do not remove this post immediately and apologize on your blog I will take legal action. My site will not allow a right click to copy the pictures. I have blocked that function. So, you have directly and deliberately violated my copyright by stealing my material. This is theft it’s against the law and I will not accept this type of behavior. Defamation of character is still against the law. Post an apology, remove my pictures from your site or I’ll be forced to sue you. And I will sue you.

Have a nice day!


Now, I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong. Deep down, Ray isn't really pissed at me. If you read between the lines, you'll see that Ray's love for my post comes only second to his love for me.

Since Ray has experienced his own cracker miracle, I wonder what he w uld make of the miracle I discovered in a box of animal crackers.

I know it's not the Virgin Mary and Jesus (at least I hope it's not), but it's still pretty miraculous. What do you think you get when you mate an elephant and a lion? Is that a lion? It's hard to tell, but that elephant sure has a really big trunk, huh?

I suppose I could sell prints of my miraculous cracker like Ray is doing over at Rays Kitchen, but I'd rather share the love for free. My particular brand of religion doesn't cost anything. Well, nothing more than your soul, but who needs one of those?



Sometimes a picture really is worth a thousand words.

If you want to do a little teabagging of your own, check out these!

And you can purchase them


July 19, 2010

Cracker, please!

Ray Favereau has had a Ritz cracker since 2007 and it's still the same as when he took it out of the package! There's a simply logical reason for this perpetually fresh cracker. It's because it is most holy and divine.

See for yourself.

Whatta you mean you don't see anything? Look closer.

Still nothing? Try this enhanced version.

Still don't see anything? You know why? Because you don't have any faith, you shamless reprobate. Close your eyes and pray really hard and then look at this next shot and see if you can make out anything.

Now you see it? The left side of the cracker is Jesus and the right side is his very famous mother! It's amazing how clear they are once you pray and then draw them on there, isn't it? This could also be King Arthur and Clara Barton, but that wouldn't be nearly as sacred, would it?

I'll bet if Ray ate the cracker, he'd live forever.

I think the lesson to be learned from this, kids, is to never, ever eat another Ritz cracker again. Anything that stays fresh for three years can't be very healthy - even if it does have Jesus on it.


June 26, 2010

Check it out

Sorry I haven't been around lately. I've been dealing with Jehovah's Witnesses for the past 394 days. I finally got rid of them so I'll have time to actually keep Flumadiddle going. Look for a new blasphemous post soon!

Big kisses,