March 31, 2008

Take it All Off!

Craig Rhodenhizer is a pastor in Lyndonville, Ohio. He left his house last Wednesday night to go to Best Buy, but Craig didn't come back home. His wife reported him missing, and was probably scared that he'd been abducted by the Geek Squad. But Saturday she heard the good news that he'd been found. Well praise Jesus and pass the butter beans! The bad news was, Craig was located at a strip club.


Maybe we were a bit hasty with the praising Jesus thing.

After Craig was totally busted, he pretended that he didn't know where he was or how he got there. Fucking brilliant, Craig! The only problem with his oh-so-clever excuse is that some trampy dancer at the club stated that not only did Craig know exactly what he was doing, but he also knew how to tell her about it using obscenitites. Yay for dirty talk! In his disoriented state, Craig also had a few drinks, a few lap dances and offered to pay one of the dancers to go back to a motel room with him. I dunno. Maybe when you have some dirty whore grinding her naughty parts on your lap, you do become disoriented.

Or maybe when you're a supposed man of god and you get caught shoving dollar bills in a stripper's g-string, you don't have enough wits about you to come up with a better excuse. Why didn't Craig blame it on Satan? Satan's been taking the rap for Christian's bad behavior for thousands of years. It's not like a little stripper action is going to hurt his reputation.

Craig's wife, Susan, stated that her husband's behavior was, "Very, very surprising. Totally out of character." I hate to say it, but I think Susan is totally out of touch with reality. She also stated that Craig's behavior must have been due to being so stressed from the Lenten and Easter season.

Well, now it's all coming together and starting to make sense. I know after enduring yet another Easter, I have this strange urge to go down to the local strip club and see me some stripper tits. It's the only thing that will wash the horror of the resurrection and Peeps out of my mind.

Take Care,

March 30, 2008

Should I Date Jesus?

I Did It

I now have a personal ad online. I think I picked the perfect username, too. TheAntiPerky. That should keep away the men who are wanting some bundle of sunshine chick, dontcha think?

I just figured what the hell. It can't hurt and so far I'm having fun with it. I've also discovered that 95% of the men in NW Arkansas are Christians. Big surprise, huh? So, I email the Christian dudes and ask them if they want to convert me. So far, I haven't had any takers with that totally awesome pick-up line. Who knows? I might end up with some pretty good stories to share with you, and by "pretty good stories" I mean dating horror stories.

Sorry, Evo, I didn't go with your "fucking in front of the Frigidaire" idea. I figure that will have to keep until I get desperate.

That Jesus Sho' Gets Around

I don't know what Jesus thinks he's doing, but that crazy beehotch has been showing up everywhere lately. I guess he's feelin' pretty footloose and fancy free after pulling his resurrection trick. Again.

In the past week or so, JC has shown up in a door, a shower and a window.

I'm sorry, but that is most certainly John Travolta stuck in that door. It must be some kind of Scientology trick. The shower image looks like One-Eyed Bob who hangs out on the corner, and smells like summer sausage and cheap gin. And the window looks like the bitch needs to use some Windex.

Take Care,

March 21, 2008

What Was I Looking For?

It's time again for another installment of Desperately Seeking - that fun game where I share the strange Google searches that have led people to the even stranger Flummadiddle Land. YAY! I said...fuckin' YAY!

Before we go any further, I have to mention one thing. The majority of the searches still have to do with stinky penises. For the love of little green monkeys, I am sorry that your junk stinks, but I can't do anything about it, so STOP IT. Just stop. Please.

Okay, here we go.

  • Worse than Phil Collins - Michael Bolton. Yeah. That's pretty much all I can come up with.

  • Squirrels rob bank - I've been trying to tell everyone that squirrels are some evil little bastards.

  • Nut kicking/training - How much training does it take to kick someone in the nuts? I've been doing it since I was 8. For chrissake, just aim in the general direction of his crotch and kick.

  • Bible verse about brownies - That's easy. It's John 5:29 "And Jesus saith unto his disciples, 'Let not your hearts be troubled, for I have brownies. Special brownies, nudge nudge wink wink. Get it? Special brownies. NO? Ye disciples are morons. I have brownies and they're special. Ye knoweth of what I fuck it'. And Jesus was sorely vexed and forthwith bitch slapped his disciples about the face.

  • Creepy Arkansas - It's just west of Eerie, Arkansas and 20 miles north of That's Just Sick, Arkansas.

  • Spider nun- Spider nun, spider nun she's leggy, furry and lots of fun.

  • Christ queef - I know JC was supposed to be able to do the whole miracle thing, but could he really queef? If so, that totally rocks.

  • Crotch scratching is a sign of what - Um, I'm going to guess an itchy crotch?

  • What to do if bunny dies - Cry. Cry some more. Sob uncontrollably. Bury bunny. Replace dead bunny with new and improved bionic bunny.

  • Fun and fruity nicknames - Well, that depends. If you're trying to come up with a nickname for a man, you can go with Blueberry Balls. For a woman, Watermelon Ass. Use these and you will get laid. Guaranteed.

  • Fun unusual facts about pigs - 1) Pigs love to read trashy romance novels. 2) Pigs are born with five legs, but the mommy pig always eats one of the legs 'cause pigs loves them some pork. 3) Pigs snort massive amounts of magic dust which is what makes bacon so damn tasty. 4) Contrary to popular cartoon sterotyping, pigs do not stutter, nor do they run around in nothing but a shirt. They are very well-spoken and well dressed.

  • Penis fell out- 8 inch stroke with a 6 inch dick.

Take Care,

March 15, 2008

Spring is in My Pants!

Spring is almost here, and we all know what that means. Less clothing will be worn. This in turn means that I need to 1. Get a tan 2. Get a pedicure 3. Buy some really cute sandals 4. Lose 20 pounds.

The first three are easily attained, the fourth is a bit tougher. Until the past three years I have never needed to lose weight. Most of my adult life, I've needed to gain it, but something strange and unholy occured in my body when I turned 36. Maybe it was age, or the hormone pills I was on, or it could have been a demon I picked up beause I accidentally overheard a Barry Manilow song at the grocery store. Whatever the cause, I suddenly found myself chubby.

If you're a naturally happy, perky person you can totally pull off chubby and everyone thinks it's adorable. But if you're a black-hearted, cynical beehotch, chubby just doesn't look cute. In fact, if I cut my hair, stopped wearing makeup and began sporting flannel shirts, I could easily pass for an angry man-lesbian that wants to arm wrestle everyone for the last donut. So now I'm stuck with having to do something about my weight and I've been at a complete loss as how to acomplish this task. Until now. Now I have the perfect plan. (Keep in mind that absolutely no reasearch has been done for this plan. None. )

I've come up with a weight loss plan that will let me eat anything I want and still lose weight. All I have to do is acquire a tapeworm. I get a tapeworm, lose the weight I want and then go to the doctor to have Mr. Wormy removed. I know! It's fucking brilliant, isn't it? I'm sure there are side effects to having a tapeworm, but if I decided to use diet pills there would be side effects, too.

Hmmm...I just mentioned the Babtastic Tapeworm Weight Loss Program to my friend, Lisa, and she informed me that her uncle died from a tapeworm. Fortunately for my big mouth, this was an uncle that she didn't know, unfortunately for the rest of me there seems to be a pretty serious side effect of being a tapeworm host.

I guess I need to do at least a little research because I'm not sure how one goes about obtaining a tapeworm. Maybe there's some type of tapeworm blackmarket? Do I just need to eat bad pork? Visit a third-world country and lick a goat's ass? Stomp on freshly squeezed dog turds with my bare feet?

I really hope it's not the last two, because there's just a little too much ick factor involved in either, and I really don't have the time to go tromping around some under-developed country hunting down goats. I also need to figure out what the time frame is between tapeworm acquisition and death. Once I've figured that out, this weight loss thing should be a breeze.

Take Care,
Babs - who does not recommend the Babtastic Tapeworm Weight Loss Program to anyone who is pregnant, nursing, could become pregnant, males with hair, hairless males, females who are breathing or anyone who is currently hosting some other type of parasite.

March 12, 2008

The Spike/Chopstick/Acupunture Mystery Solved

Those of you guessed what the spikes were coming out of my head were oh so close, but none of you will be winning a prize.

Here is where the friggin' spikes came from -

A clock, and I wear it on the back of my head. That way when people ask me for the time, I can turn around and moon them at the same time.

See? It not only keeps time, but it saves time, too. It's my very special, spiky clock.

Take Care,

Babs - time, time, time, time, time <---I just wanted to throw in that word a few more times.

March 11, 2008

My Scarf


Don't look at me, but at the scarf I'm holding on to. Isn't it the most awesome scarf in the whole entire world? You know why I'm holding on to it? Because I'm not going to let anyone take it from me, and if you try you're going to have to take on me.

It won't be pretty either, beehotch.

Here are the reasons why this is the most awesome scarf in the whole entire world. First off, it's one of my very favorite colors. Second, I love the weight of the yarn. Third, I totally dig that it's handmade. Fourth, it's the perfect length. I can either wrap it or wear it unwrapped with a brooch. Do people still call them brooches or am I really sounding like a 90 year old woman right now?

The biggest reason why it's now the scarf that I make never take off, is that
Kathleen made it for me. Yep, the very same adorable Kathleen that hangs around this place. She made a scarf with her own two little hands. For me! I'm assuming she used her hands, but who knows, she's probably talented enough to knit with her toes.

Anyway, this is one of the sweetest gifts I've ever received in my life. Thank you, Kathleen and great big hugs to you. I LOVE the scarf. LOVE it! So, you just take your bad self and rock on with those knitting needles.

I will now resume my status quo of being non-perky, cynical and generally bitchy.

Take Care,

March 4, 2008

Which came first, the bunny or the egg?

Excuse Me?

I received an email that someone sent from GodTube. The subject line was "I Love Little Boys", and the message was "You heard me!".

I'm hoping this was one of you trying to point me in the direction of some hideous video I could poke fun at. If so, could you send it again with the video? If it's not one of you, then someone on GodTube is one sick dickhole and they're proud of it. Why they would want me to know is a mystery, though.

Church Sign O' the Week

This week we have a 2 for 1 special, and it's only Tuesday! I think a certain g-o-d is smiling down on this happy, little heathen.

Sign #1 - Easter Eggstravaganza

Sign #2 - Have an eggcellent Easter

Church Sign Guy must be one of those liberal Christians who think it's A-OK to have eggs and bunnies and all manner of pastel, goofy stuff at Easter. Unlike those stuffy evangelical, born again buttholes who think that if you dare give your child an egg on Easter, Jesus will send Moses down from way up there in heaven to bean you on the head with his staff. And, trust me, Moses has a huge staff. I'll betcha his staff is really hoary, too. I just had to throw that in, because every time I think of Moses (which is a lot) I think of the word "hoary".

CSG is also obviously on a campaign to have all of the church signs in the area have some pun with the word "egg" in it so, I thought I'd help out. Here are a few ideas:
  • Demon possessed? Come get eggcorcised.
  • I'm pickin' up good vibrations. Jesus is giving me eggcitations.
  • Jesus can beat the eggscrement out of the Easter Bunny.
  • Our pews may be eggscrutiatingly uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as you'll be in the lake of fire.
  • Jesus: He's eggstra special (but not short bus special)
  • Come get your sin eggsfoliated.
  • On Judgement Day there will be no eggscuses for you being such a dirty, dirty whore.
  • Be eggstreme for Jesus - he likes it rough.
  • Last one to heaven is a rotten egg.
  • Our pastor's having an eggstramarital affair, but we're not telling his eggsasperating wife.
  • Enter as a sinner, but eggsit as an annoyingly pious person.
And if you want to do a sign with something other than eggs, what about bunnies?

You're no bunny 'til some bunny loves you enough to tell you that you're going to die and go to hell.

Take Care,
Babs - who has a feeling that The Eggsterminator is going to have some of his own sign ideas.

March 2, 2008

Some moron had this idea...

I just have to say that whoever had the idea of taking everyone's book entry from my last post, and making a compilation of them was a total and complete doink. But, I did it anyway. Here are the reworked entries. They are not amusing. They could possibly be slightly entertaining if you're drunk. So, you might want to grab a bottle before you attempt to read this. Hell, you don't even have to read it. Just leave me a comment stating the obvious that my blog has gone to shit in the past month and what the fuck is wrong with you, Babs?

The truth is, I don't know. Please be patient and I'm sure I'll have my godless mojo back soon. I may have to make an entreaty to the Most High God of Blasphemy.

Let's just get this post over with and hopefully we can move on to something less painful. Here are the new and improved entries! Yeah, that's it. They're new and improved and less filling!

A delirium is characterized by a disturbance of consciousness and a change in cognition that develop over a short period of time. Moreover, there are no laws to protect privately owned rocks, as there are for creeks and certain trees. Or they can try.

By sometime around 330 B.C., Alexander the Great had conquered much of the known world, including what we now call the Middle East. Like Napoleon and Hitler, Alexander was short and very much distrusted cats, Jews and newspapers. Strauss, by way of gratitude, called him a dilettante. Straight truth, Blair thought.

We will now suppose that a nurse has been called to a confinement case. Unfortunately, the obvious 2.Nb1-c3 move is not effective because black can defend the e4-square with Ng8-f6. Another difficulty may arise with some seeds and some weather conditions where an electrostatic charge builds up and hold the seeds to the plate.

At the end of each episode the whole family comes together to drink a cup of Maxwell House coffee. Their eyes watch, as if ready to silence any impudence; they look like they should be carrying switches.

After 2.c2-c4 d5xc4, white is able to gain undisputed control over the center of the board with 3.Nb1-c3 and 4.e2-e4. Soon after his victories he stepped on a rainbow and spent a great deal of downtime hopping around hell on a pogo stick waiting to be bugled to Jesus, who, of course, would not be born for another three hundred years.

The most reliable method of all is to immobilize the freewheel in a freewheel vise and use two chain whips . The woman in the middle spoke, “If I could have the lovely balm Moira spoke of, and a meal, I'd be as good as new-but for the fact every bone of my body feels as if it’s been hit with a hammer."

If you twist a tool sideways you may damage some cog teeth. Owners can chip them, mine them, even demolish them. Cold may be applied to the abdomen and the genitals

The disorders included in the "Delirium" section are listed according to presumed etiology:

Like Napoleon and Hitler, Alexander did not get to have much fun in life. (delirium due to multiple etiologies )

The idea that Mark's gospel might be the earliest of the four, first occurred to Weiss during the progress of his work." (substance induced delirium)

Kahlan took a second glance at their hands to see if they were empty. (delirium not otherwise specified)

The second example was created in 1951 for Procter & Gamble (4) with each fifteen-minute episode interrupted by a commercial for the cleaning product Spic & Span. I solved that problem by fabricating a small wooden crossbar with a toothbrush attached below it.

What is the first thing to be done? White usually continues with 2.c2-c4, a move that gambits a pawn, though it is rare that black accepts the offer. The farther apart the tools are, the harder it is to channel their force in the right directions.

Take Care,

I am not signing my name to this