January 24, 2007

Muscled Up Advice

Jesus Wants to Pump You Up!

Thomas brought me this picture he took today. I was speechless. How does Christ equate to freakishly muscled bodies?

And here's a closer look at that logo.

Holy pull-ups on a cross! Jesus is ripped! I think if J Dawg really had looked like this, he could have seriously kicked some Roman ass. But look closely at Jesus' knees. Are those the blessed balls drooping down from underneath his dress?

Dear Babs is Here!

Dear Babs,
I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, I want my son to stop being so secretive! - Nancy

Naïve Nancy,

Bless you and your little delusional heart. Are you sitting down? Please, make sure you’re sitting down before reading this. First of all. Your son does not have a girlfriend. There is no strumpet leaving man porn in your son’s bedroom, as much as you might like that to be the case. Your son likes to tickle the pickle while feasting his eyes on young, supple, hard-bodied men who are fornicating with each other. Some of these virile men are possibly even oiled down, which will show their hard, rippling muscles in greater detail. Oh my. Is it warm in here? Could somebody please open the window? I’m sorry, Nancy. I’ve got to take a little break.
Good luck and God bless!

Dear Babs,
Could you settle an argument between me and my husband? We’ve been married only four months. I get out of the shower and dry off, or walk into the bedroom to dry off. He says I should dry off in the shower. Who is correct? – Maggie

Mixed-up Maggie,
This is why it’s so important to really communicate before you say “I do”. 79% of divorces occur because of post-shower drying arguments. I would suggest you and your husband find a marriage counselor. I think hearing that you both are total fuckwits would be more appropriate coming from a therapist than from me.
Have fun in divorce court!

Dear Babs,
Ever since my boss learned we live close to each other (about 15 minutes between us), he has asked me for a ride home every day. The ride is about 45 minutes. How do I tell him "no" without getting fired? Help! - Fran

Frantic Fran,
There’s not really any good way for you to tell your boss, "no". I would suggest that the next time you’re giving him a ride home, when the car is in motion (preferably on the freeway), reach over and open his door and give him a gentle push out of it. When he’s skidding down the road at 60 miles an hour developing very unpleasant road rash, he’ll be sure and get your subtle hint. Things may be uncomfortable around the water cooler for the next year or so, but you’ll be able to glory in the knowledge that his smelly ass won’t be in your passenger seat anymore.
Love and Kisses,

Dear Babs,
What are the rules of etiquette for hand-shaking between men and women? Is it proper when a woman extends her hand to a man for him to offer his left hand to shake? Or is this some backhanded insult?
I am involved in receiving lines and have had this happen many times. They always offer their right hand to the next man in line. Should I take this as an insult, or do these men just not know how to act properly? - Debbie

Drama Queen Debs,
You should definitely take this as an insult. When a man extends his left hand in greeting to you, it means that he is imagining you mother-naked and wants to videotape you copulating with a feral boar. He might as well be humping your leg. Next time any man offers his left hand, give him a hearty knee to the groin. This will let the misogynistic bastard know that you’re onto his little game and that you’ll have no part in it.
Happy Bitching,

Take Care,
The Bablatrice - who is totally stoned on sinus medication.


  1. Anonymous11:34 PM

    am rolling on the floor laughing..........

  2. You're a funny woman.

  3. Kathleen- You're too kind. Thanks!

  4. Brilliant advice! Love it. Are your readers allowed to submit questions for your next advice installment?

  5. Fwig - Yay! You're back.

    Thank you, kind Sir. Questions from readers are not only allowed, but encouraged.

    This should be good.