January 13, 2011

I've Got a Handle on the Situation

Yesterday in a fit of domesticity, I was sweeping the hallway and backed into the closet door. During the simultaneous backing and sweeping, I somehow managed to get the door handle stuck through the center, back belt loop of my jeans.  The handle looks as such: 

Not the actual handle, but close to what it looks like.  It would take effort to take a picture of the actual lever, and I don't think any of you are surprised that absolutely no effort is put into this blog. 

I tried scooching my butt to the side so I could free myself, but my belt loop kept hanging up on the curled part of the handle.  Plus, I couldn't see what was going on and I was having to work behind my back which made things even more difficult.   

After a couple of minutes of trying to extricate myself, I started to panic. It was 3 hours before Eric would be home. There was no way I could take off my jeans. My phone wasn't in reach for me to call someone to come set my ass free (literally), and I seriously doubted that our two cats would be able to extricate me or go for help. In fact, they're so fat and lazy, they'd probably pass out from sheer exhaustion before they got halfway down the driveway (plus, they're horrible with directions).

I was beginning to worry about how I could possibly entertain myself for three hours while being attached to a door, but more importantly, what if I had to pee???  And then I thought that some chick being freed from the closet door by the UPS man who heard her screams for help, would make for a really, really bad porno scenario.  So, if you're in the market to make a really, really bad porno, feel free to totally steal this idea. 

Anyway, back to my predicament. 

I suppose that all that panic created a little bit of an adrenalin rush, because I somehow managed to rip the door off the hinges.  WITH MY ASS. 

Okay, that was a big, fat lie.  The reality is that with a few more panic-induced tries and a string of words that would make a longshoreman blush, I was finally able to loosen myself from the door handle. 

I don't really think there's a moral to this story except to maybe watch where you're sticking your ass. 

You probably want to watch what you're sticking up your ass, too. 

Big Ol' Butt Slaps,

January 9, 2011

Scandal #1 for 2011

Yes, it's been awhile.  I've been a busy girl.  Last month I moved in with Eric the Bastard.  I think the popular kids are calling living together "domestic partnership" now.  I prefer either "living in sin" or "shacking up".  "Shacking up" sounds especially white trashy doesn't it?  After getting everything moved, I was forced to celebrate Christmas and New Year's.  Throw in a hurt shoulder from moving a 986 pound desk down a flight of stairs, and then a week and a half of puking and I haven't really felt like blogging. 

To kick things off for 2011, I'm bringing you a story of depravity, debauchery and maybe a little dickerydoo.  The director of the Missouri Baptist Convention, Dr. David Tolliver, has resigned from his position due to "immoral behavior with a woman".  Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find any information on what the "immoral behavior" was.  What the hell kind of reporting is that, news people?  I want to know exactly what Dave did with this woman.  I want details.  I want graphs and charts.  I want photos.  Did they do it?  Did he just feel her up a little after Sunday School?  Did he just waggle his dick at her?  Was she even really a woman?  Maybe he just popped a boner while feasting on the Chicken Surprise Casserole she brought to the after church fellowship. 

Whatever it was, I'm sure it was all Satan's fault.  And, after seeing a pic of Dave, I've changed my mind about needing photos.  

Big Hugs,