March 31, 2011

March Comes In Like a Lion, Blows Out Like a Lamb

Hi kids!  It's me again.  Here for what is turning out to be my monthly blog post.  It seems like my monthly posts are going to be about blowjobs.  There are worse subjects, I suppose.  I'm a horrible person for not blogging more and probably should be punished. 

You know who else should be punished?  Pastor John Naylor.  A fine upstanding man of god.  But, he'd probably like his punishment...especially if he could pay you for it.  

Pastor John Naylor was arrested for paying for an 8-minute, 20 dollar blowjob. It seems John went out cruising for a little sucky after visiting someone in the hospital.  That's just like Jesus used to do.  Heal the sick, get a blow job.  Make the blind man see, demand a hummer as payment.  And if Jesus H. Christ raised someone from the dead, the newly minted zombie had to give Jesus a blowjob and hand wash all of his delicates.  

But back to 8-minute John.  Hey...he's a john named John! Anyway...

John didn't realize that the police were watching him as he picked up the prostitute and drove to a house. Eight minutes later he and the prostitute exited the house. John had a huge smile on his face, and the prostitute was shoving massive amounts of Wrigley's Spearmint gum into her mouth.  Rumor also has it that he paid the prostitute an extra 20 bucks to stay in the house 6 minutes longer than necessary just so he didn't look like a freak.  The funniest part is that the police had no proof that he'd paid her for a blow job. John admitted that not only had he received a blow job that night, but that he'd paid hookers several times before.  

Ah...confession is so goddamn good for the soul.  

Big hugs,
I would have charged WAY more than 20 beans.

February 1, 2011

Jerkin' Off for Jesus!

Do you know what's happening this coming Sunday?  I'm so excited!  It's PORN SUNDAY! 

I'm sure you're wondering what Porn Sunday is, aren't you?  Well, it's the brain child of Craig Gross who is the dude in charge over at the XXX Church in Dallas.  From what I can tell, Craig loves porn almost as much as he loves Jesus, so he had to start a church about porn addictions.   

I think the following explains how Craig came to start a porn church, and it's really a good how-to guide if you're wanting to start a porn chuch of your own. 

So, on Porn Sunday, there will be over 300 churches across the US that are going to play a simulcast video of some NFL players and Craig talking about porn.  You know what I think?  I think that Craig's fantasy might be to be the middle meat in a big 'ol football team manwich. 

There are even going to be pre-game parties for Porn Sunday.  I'd go to one, but I'm not sure what kind of dip is appropriate to take to a Porn Sunday pre-game party. 

If you can't make it to a pre-game party or church on Porn Sunday, then I think the least you can do is rub one out for Jesus.

Happy Wanking!

January 13, 2011

I've Got a Handle on the Situation

Yesterday in a fit of domesticity, I was sweeping the hallway and backed into the closet door. During the simultaneous backing and sweeping, I somehow managed to get the door handle stuck through the center, back belt loop of my jeans.  The handle looks as such: 

Not the actual handle, but close to what it looks like.  It would take effort to take a picture of the actual lever, and I don't think any of you are surprised that absolutely no effort is put into this blog. 

I tried scooching my butt to the side so I could free myself, but my belt loop kept hanging up on the curled part of the handle.  Plus, I couldn't see what was going on and I was having to work behind my back which made things even more difficult.   

After a couple of minutes of trying to extricate myself, I started to panic. It was 3 hours before Eric would be home. There was no way I could take off my jeans. My phone wasn't in reach for me to call someone to come set my ass free (literally), and I seriously doubted that our two cats would be able to extricate me or go for help. In fact, they're so fat and lazy, they'd probably pass out from sheer exhaustion before they got halfway down the driveway (plus, they're horrible with directions).

I was beginning to worry about how I could possibly entertain myself for three hours while being attached to a door, but more importantly, what if I had to pee???  And then I thought that some chick being freed from the closet door by the UPS man who heard her screams for help, would make for a really, really bad porno scenario.  So, if you're in the market to make a really, really bad porno, feel free to totally steal this idea. 

Anyway, back to my predicament. 

I suppose that all that panic created a little bit of an adrenalin rush, because I somehow managed to rip the door off the hinges.  WITH MY ASS. 

Okay, that was a big, fat lie.  The reality is that with a few more panic-induced tries and a string of words that would make a longshoreman blush, I was finally able to loosen myself from the door handle. 

I don't really think there's a moral to this story except to maybe watch where you're sticking your ass. 

You probably want to watch what you're sticking up your ass, too. 

Big Ol' Butt Slaps,

January 9, 2011

Scandal #1 for 2011

Yes, it's been awhile.  I've been a busy girl.  Last month I moved in with Eric the Bastard.  I think the popular kids are calling living together "domestic partnership" now.  I prefer either "living in sin" or "shacking up".  "Shacking up" sounds especially white trashy doesn't it?  After getting everything moved, I was forced to celebrate Christmas and New Year's.  Throw in a hurt shoulder from moving a 986 pound desk down a flight of stairs, and then a week and a half of puking and I haven't really felt like blogging. 

To kick things off for 2011, I'm bringing you a story of depravity, debauchery and maybe a little dickerydoo.  The director of the Missouri Baptist Convention, Dr. David Tolliver, has resigned from his position due to "immoral behavior with a woman".  Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find any information on what the "immoral behavior" was.  What the hell kind of reporting is that, news people?  I want to know exactly what Dave did with this woman.  I want details.  I want graphs and charts.  I want photos.  Did they do it?  Did he just feel her up a little after Sunday School?  Did he just waggle his dick at her?  Was she even really a woman?  Maybe he just popped a boner while feasting on the Chicken Surprise Casserole she brought to the after church fellowship. 

Whatever it was, I'm sure it was all Satan's fault.  And, after seeing a pic of Dave, I've changed my mind about needing photos.  

Big Hugs,