January 13, 2011

I've Got a Handle on the Situation

Yesterday in a fit of domesticity, I was sweeping the hallway and backed into the closet door. During the simultaneous backing and sweeping, I somehow managed to get the door handle stuck through the center, back belt loop of my jeans.  The handle looks as such: 


Not the actual handle, but close to what it looks like.  It would take effort to take a picture of the actual lever, and I don't think any of you are surprised that absolutely no effort is put into this blog. 

I tried scooching my butt to the side so I could free myself, but my belt loop kept hanging up on the curled part of the handle.  Plus, I couldn't see what was going on and I was having to work behind my back which made things even more difficult.   

After a couple of minutes of trying to extricate myself, I started to panic. It was 3 hours before Eric would be home. There was no way I could take off my jeans. My phone wasn't in reach for me to call someone to come set my ass free (literally), and I seriously doubted that our two cats would be able to extricate me or go for help. In fact, they're so fat and lazy, they'd probably pass out from sheer exhaustion before they got halfway down the driveway (plus, they're horrible with directions).

I was beginning to worry about how I could possibly entertain myself for three hours while being attached to a door, but more importantly, what if I had to pee???  And then I thought that some chick being freed from the closet door by the UPS man who heard her screams for help, would make for a really, really bad porno scenario.  So, if you're in the market to make a really, really bad porno, feel free to totally steal this idea. 

Anyway, back to my predicament. 

I suppose that all that panic created a little bit of an adrenalin rush, because I somehow managed to rip the door off the hinges.  WITH MY ASS. 

Okay, that was a big, fat lie.  The reality is that with a few more panic-induced tries and a string of words that would make a longshoreman blush, I was finally able to loosen myself from the door handle. 

I don't really think there's a moral to this story except to maybe watch where you're sticking your ass. 

You probably want to watch what you're sticking up your ass, too. 

Big Ol' Butt Slaps,
Babs

2 comments:

  1. That is hilarious and makes me wish you had a webcam. We have those fucking door handles and I'm always getting caught on them, but it's usually sleeves, cuz I'm too short in the ass area.
    happy new-ish year.

    ReplyDelete
  2. God bless you with discernment.

    ReplyDelete