February 28, 2007

That Jesus' Mama Sho' Gets Around

Thanks again to the lovely Kathleen for pointing me to another one. Guadalupe Rodriguez swears she can see JC's mamaroni on this cookie sheet.

I dunno, Lupe, it looks more like an amoeba than the Virgin Mary. Maybe even the nipple off a bottle. Butt plug? Joy stick?

Guadalupe is a lunch lady, and she noticed this while washing dishes at the school. She then proceeded to "borrow" the cookie sheet from the school. I hope she went to confession for it.

Do you think that's holy water in the bowl or just some of the leftover dishwater?

Take Care,

February 27, 2007

Today's Post Brought to You by the Letter "Kooky"

The lovely Kathleen was kind enough to point me to another crazy Christian. And lemme tell ya, I think this woman might be just a wee bit touched (the crazy Christian, NOT Kathleen). Estrella Benavides claims that god has instructed her to give her house a little more curb appeal, and to do so by painting it as such:

And then god told her to paint her car like dis right here:

I don't know about you, but I'm thinking her god seems like kind of a goofball.

Here's part of the god-message on her garage door:

No one to vote for. A worldwide mafia group (government)by the pig leader Fidel. (Castro) Cuba thru US and other countries r killing:controlling prices.Creating poverty and suffering Hitler did used just Jews. Castro preapprove representatives (even US)who r alienating constitution & rights of poor to use power of pain. Schools are pay to re-codify: denying parenthood to gays & lesbians. Health system creates illness (HIV -cancer) Courts condemn people who have being forced to violate laws.

Um, Estrella sweetie, I don't know who your god is, but it would seem he or she isn't very coherent. Are you sure you're getting the dictation correctly? I know that when I hear imaginary beings talking to me, sometimes I have trouble figuring out what they're saying. Like this one time I thought I heard Bob - that's the name of my imaginary god -anyway, I thought I heard Bob tell me to go chew on a flip-flop. But when I asked him to repeat it, it turns out he was really telling me that my hair was on fire. I know! They don't even sound anything alike. I think it happened because Bob doesn't enunciate so well when he's been drinking, and Bob loves him some sauce. It's a good thing I asked for clarification, huh? Maybe you should try that, or one day your hair might be on fire and instead of putting it out, you'll be sitting there happily munching away on warm-weather footwear.

The San Mateo City Council has now ruled that the messages from the almighty have got to go, or Estrella will be fined $50 dollars a day for as long as her messages are in place. She claims that she's not going to pay and that she trusts that her god will see her through this one. I don't know that I'd be trusting some god who couldn't articulate any better than that. I know Bob's walking a thin line with me right now.

If you ever have the chance to visit San Mateo, I suggest you jump on it. You wanna know why? Because you might be lucky enough to hear Estrella declaring her god-messages from the loudspeaker she has on top of her car. If that's not trip-worthy, I don't know what is.

Take Care,

February 26, 2007

Missed News and Naval Jelly

Another One?

Okay, I know I live in Arkansas, but that still doesn't give me an excuse to miss breaking news stories, does it?

This story is actually from January, so I don't know that it's breaking anymore. But, dammit, I missed it. How the heck did I not find the story about the Baptist preacher in Tulsa, OK who was very outspoken against gay marriage, but then was caught this past January soliciting a male police officer?

Usually I don't even have to look for this kind of stuff. It just finds me.

I must be slipping.

Anyway, Lonnie Latham was a pastor at a Tulsa church and was arrested for lewdness because he approached a male, undercover officer and proceeded to ask the officer to suck his pee pee. I'm paraphrasing there. I don't know that "pee pee" was the exact terminology he used, but since he's a Baptist preacher, I'll bet it's close.

Anyway, now Lonnie and his attorney seem to be speaking up for gay rights. Well, not everyone's gay rights, just his right to ask another man for a little sucky sucky. And since no monetary amount was discussed and since this officer was in the part of town that the man hookers like to chill, I'll agree that he shouldn't have been charged with lewdness.

However, I do think he should be charged for speaking out against homosexuality while hiding his gayness behind his big ol' bible. I haven't figured out the punishment yet, but I know it's going to involve a lot of pinto beans and baling wire. Unless he has a bean and baling wire fetish, then I'll have to figure out something else.

How many more Baptist preachers are going to be booted out of the closet before one of them has the balls to stand up for his sexuality? Just one could make a huge difference in bridging this ridiculous gap in our society. Just think what it would be like if these religious leaders would let go of the homosexuality argument. Big, huge gasp! They might even be able to put the energy they were using in tearing down the gay community into something worthwhile like fighting against child abuse, or feeding the hungry or helping the homeless.

Isn't it time this stupidity ends?

That Jesus Sho' Gets Around

Jesus is back and this time he's hanging with the tow man. Reader Dr. X snapped a photo of JC hanging on the back of a tow truck. Looks to me like the saviour is getting a little rusty and could use a good rub down with some naval jelly.

Which oddly enough is the exact thing Thomas said to me when I got home from work today.

Take Care,
The Bablatrice - who is completely rust-free.

February 22, 2007

Dunk One For Jesus!

Funkin' Donuts

I have been blessed with a new job duty at work. I'm so overjoyed, I can barely contain myself. My boss has decided that once a month, I am to go buy donuts and deliver them to one of our clients. That's right! I get to be a donut girl. I've wanted to be a donut girl my whole entire life! I can't believe the day has finally arrived. All my hard work has paid off. But, I need a little help. Should I just go with a sign like this:

Or do I just say it without words and wear this?

(Please note, I have never really worn a donut outfit. I just put my face on some chick. That so didn't sound like I meant it to.)

That Jesus Sho' Gets Around

He's done it again. This time, the Big J is trying to get better cell reception. Yessiree, Bob. JC has been spotted atop a cell phone tower in Uganda, and followers are flocking to see him.

One resident even said that he could see Jesus way up there standing between two people. Jesus was putting on a white cloth and had black hair.

I want to know who the other two people were who were hanging out with the J-Man. And if Jesus was putting a cloth on, does that mean he had been naked on top of the tower?

That Jesus. You just never know what stunt he'll pull next. I can't decide whether Jesus climbed up there, or if he started to ascend and just got tired.

T-Mobile has dropped Catherine Zeta-Jones as their spokesperson, stating that they are looking for a more "man-on-the street approach to marketing". Well, T-Mobile people, I think Jesus would be the perfect choice. He's a god-man-on-the-street.

Take Care,
The Bablatrice - who gets to be a donut girl!

February 21, 2007


Don't Say the V Word

When I read this article, I was hoping it was a gag. Or that maybe someone had hacked into the BBC website and posted it. But, I'm afraid it's true. The theater in Atlantic Beach, FL changed the name of The Vagina Monologues to The Hoohaa Monologues. Why, you ask, would the theater be pulling such shenanigans? It's because a woman complained and said that she was offended when her niece asked what a vagina was.

You're right, oh thou Offended Beehotch. Girls should never know the proper terminology for their pootypoos. In fact I would recommend that they don't know the correct names for any of their body parts. Ankles could be dinkums. Ears - gizmies. Elbows - floopityfloops. How dare society use medical terms for our naughty bits - the sick, sick bastards.

What if the play was named the The Quivering Mound of Love Pudding Monologues? Would that be offensive? How about The Monologues of Camp Coochie? The Kookoo Yummy Yum Monologues? The Stuffin' Muffin Speaks?

You know, if the play was, "The Huge, Hairy Cunt Monologues" I might let you get away with being offended, but vagina? Not on my watch, Missy. Not. on. my. watch.

Side note:
When my daughter was young, she referred to her nether regions as her "hoo". But, she still knew the proper terminology for it, "Mama, girls have a bagina. Boys have a peanuts."

Fuckin' close enough.

The Randy Post of the Week

Speaking of pussies, Randy Ross over at Teens-4-Christ, had this to say in a post where he is complaining that Bob Jones University isn't fundamentalist enough for him:
"They have completely discarded many standards of
modesty. In fact, they allow the women to wear pants."
Oh sweet mammy of god! Not the pants. Anything but the pants! Next thing you know they will be fornicating right there in the classrooms.

Here's a puzzler for you, Randy. Let's say two girls are climbing an open-mesh metal staircase. Girl A is wearing a King James version, god skirt. Girl B is wearing sinful, deviant, devil pants. If Creepy Carl is standing beneath the stairs, which girl will be more likely to give the little pervert a beaver shot? Hint: If you guess girl B, you're a great, big dumb dumb.

Hey! I guess that means Randy is a big ol' perv.

Take Care,
The Bablatrice - who thinks that Offended Beehotch's hoohaa probably needs a little more exposure.

February 19, 2007

Two and Two are Four

Number Crunching

The other day I was on the phone with the CPA we use at the office and here's what he said to me: "Your accounting is very tight. I really get great pleasure working with your books."

Jesus H. Christ, could you make a non-sexual compliment sound any more pornariffic?

Those crazy, kinky accounting people.

What's Today?

I'm glad you asked. Today is Spunky Old Broads Day (women over 50 only), National Nose-Blowing Day and National Chocolate Mint Day.

So, I'd suggest finding a plucky, over-50 woman, blow your nose on her sleeve and then ask her to share a box of Jr. Mints. Don't forget your party hat!

Oh yeah. It's also President's Day or something like that. Go celebrate at a 20% off sale.

A Moment of Awwww

Finally, just because I've been in a poopy mood for the past three days and I need something to make me smile, here's a picture of Stumpy, the mutant duck.

Isn't he cute with his two extra legs?

Oh what the hell, I need more awwww.

More! More I say!

I am through now.


No more cuteness.

I've accomplished my goal.

Take Care,
The Bablatrice - Who will try her best not to ever subject you to her poopy moods again.

February 15, 2007

That Jesus Sho' Gets Around

Guess who's back? Back again. Shady's back. Tell a friend. No that's not right. It's not Eminem. It's Jesus! And that crazy son of you-know-who is back in a tree. That Jesus sho' loves his hardwoods. This Jesus tree is in Crystal City, TX.

Crystal City is renowned for spinach growing. Okay, renowned might be a bit of an overstatement, but they do grow 'em some spinach there. The article states that Popeye used to be the most recognizable figure in this spinach-crazy town, but not anymore. Popeye done got his ass kicked all over the place by J Dawg.

The fine leafy-greens people of Crystal City are swearing that they can see the crucifixion in the Y of this tree. I can see Jesus, but I don't think he's being crucified. I think JC is just pretending to be an air traffic controller. I've heard that's what he really wanted to do before his dad made him do the other thing.

Just for fun, and because I'm a total dork - I've made a map of where Jesus has been since we've been tracking him. I'll update it with each Jesus sighting and we can have our own little JC radar.

Magical Jesus Tour
Except for the one gig in Milwaukee, it seems Jesus really doesn't dig the northern two-thirds of the country.

Blog Explos!on Update

Did ya see that Fwig? I told you I was gonna steal it. 'Cause I'm a b!tch like that. Anyway, I received another email from the BlogExplos!on people, confirming that they received my email, and that I'd been issued a support ticket. I'll bet it's a golden ticket.

BlogExplosion.com support ticket reply. DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL. To update or view the status of your ticket please follow link at the bottom of this ticket.

Dear Rachel,

Your Support Ticket has been submitted to the BlogExplosion.com support. Please make a record of your ticket ID and ticket Key for future reference.


Thank you for using BlogExplosion.com support, you will receive an email notification when the ticket has been answered.

BlogExplosion.com Staff

Hmm...I'm beginning to think those BlogExplos!on people need to chill out a little bit. Seriously. They yell too much. It can't be good for their vocal chords or their blood pressure. But I'm getting the idea that they really DON'T WANT ME TO REPLY TO THIS E-MAIL.

Take Care,
The Bablatrice - Who might just have to REPLY TO THE EMAIL, and tell the BE people that I am merely Satan's puppet and cannot control what I do.

February 14, 2007

I'm a Hater and a Lover!

The Hater Me

It's true. I've been declared a hater by a member of the BlogExplosion Team. Here is the follow-up email I received after attempting to submit my blog to their site. I giggled when I read it. Feel free to do the same.

Your blog was declined for the following reason:

We DO NOT allow hate blogs.

Site reviewed:Flumadiddle http://www.rachelmurie.blogspot.com/

BlogExplosion Team

Here is the email I sent back to the BlogExplosion Team:

Dear BlogExplosion Team,

I recently submitted my blog to BlogExplosion. I received an email stating that my blog was denied because you DO NOT allow hate blogs. (I'm not screaming at you, that's just how the email I received was written.)

I find it hard to believe that someone would consider my blog to be a hate blog. Sure, I point out the absurdities of fundamentalist Christians, but I never once have stated that I hate them. Nor have I projected any kind of malice towards them. In fact, I would love to sit down and share a nice cup of tea with them. As long as there was an interpreter, because half the time I really don't know what they're saying.

I think perhaps your BlogExplosion Team Member who reviewed my blog didn't fully delve into the realms of all that is Flumadiddle. Or possibly, due to their faith, they were offended by my blog. But that doesn't make me a hater. It just makes me an irritant. Rather like a gnat that keeps threatening to fly up your nose, and every time it gets close it tickles, so you want to sneeze. But you're scared to sneeze because you don't want to inhale a gnat.

Yeah. I'm kinda like that.

One more thing. The BlogExplosion Team Member who sent me the email misspelled "sincerely". But it's okay, because after yelling "DO NOT" at me, the "sincerely" part seemed a little fake anyway.

Well, I guess that's all I wanted to say.

Oh wait. No it's not. I think you should really consider placing an exclamation point after BlogExplosion! See? See how much better that is? BlogExplosion = big ol' yawn. BlogExplosion! = well, pretty darn explosive.

Now I've said everything I wanted.

Take Care BlogExplosion! People!

Hugs and Kisses,

The Lover Me

Before I show you this video, here is the dialogue that occurred when Thomas watched it.

Thomas: Why do you sound like the sloth from Ice Age
Me: I don't know. My camera just makes my esses sound funny. I'm going to try and edit it out.
Thomas: No. You should leave it in. People will find it endearing. It's attractive and intriguing.
Me: Sounding like Sid the Sloth is intriguing? Besides, I'm not trying to be attractive or intriguing.
Thomas: Obviously. Look what you're wearing in the video. And you don't have on any makeup.
Me: Very funny, smartass. (I'm not sure if I really said this out loud, or if I was just thinking it.)

Anyway, I really don't normally sound like Sid, and I've realized that Thomas must have a thing for animated sloths.

Here is my Valentine's Day video for you.

February 13, 2007

The Cult of Randy

Most of the time when I post about the fundies, I’m poking fun at them. Kind of a “haha, aren’t they adorable with their crazy outlook on life”. But, the guy that runs Teens-4-Christ really puts the “mental” in fundamental. Sure a lot of what he says is pretty damn funny, but it's funny in a really scary way.

His name is Randy Ross and I think the following quotes by him taken from his site will tell you all you need to know about him. I just think it’s extremely sad that he’s spewing his dreck to teenagers who are vulnerable enough to believe everything he says.

By the way, I’ve left in all of his misspellings and typos, because they like totally help his argument.

Randy on Science

  • All life with blood in it has a 9% saline (salt) content. This is the same concentration of salt as is in sea water.
  • Basically, the theory is that some 15-30 billion years ago, there was nothing. Then, all of a sudden, BANG. All that is exploded into existance from nothing.

Wow! Your grasp of science amazes me. I think I see a Nobel Prize in your future. At least that's what my Magic 8-Ball told me.

Randy on a Power Trip

  • Typically, it seems as though I get the final word. Well, I write the checks for this site. Get over it.
  • Participation on this forum (posting) is a privilege and may be revoked at any time. Your account may be suspended or deleted at any time for any reason or for no reason at all.
  • Teens-4-Christ is not a 'debate' site. You will not change our minds, do not try. A quick read of Romans 1 will show that those who debate are in the company of adulterers, sodomites and murderers. Therefore, debating will not be allowed.
Uh oh. I think someone's a little scared the kids might find out that there are a few flaws in Randy Land.

Randy on Stalking

  • For the record, I will not discuss the ways I use to track internet usage history. But, yes, I can see a list of every site you visit, even if you delete your history, cookies and temporary internet files.
For the record, you're lying to these kids. You're not tracking diddly on their computers. Now grow up and quit trying to scare them. Besides, this makes you sound like a stalker and it's creepy. If you have somehow managed to hack into their computers, it's illegal and you should have charges brought against you.

Randy on Homosexuality

  • We do not discrimate. But we should not elevate or promote SIN in the schools which are paid for by the citizens of our CHRISTIAN country. I do not want to send money to the state-run schools to purchase "Sally has two mommies". I do not want my tax-money paying the electric bill while sodomite high schoolers meet. Sadly, though, this is where part of my tax-money goes AGAINST MY WILL.

Discrimate? That sounds really dirty. If you're that upset about it, just quit paying your taxes. And I think you might have a control issue or two.

Randy on Talking to Teens

  • It was also abundantly clear that some of you have no common sense.
  • Until you realize the Bible is the very Word of God, we have no common ground and nothing to talk about
  • Let's do this again. This time, r-e-a-d i-t s-l-o-w-l-y. Maybe some of you will get it.
Ya know, I've noticed that when you're talking to teenagers, if you can be a complete condescending smartass, they'll totally listen to you.

Randy on Woman

  • Throughout the Bible, from the Garden forward, you see that the ladies are always under the authority of their father first, then their husband.
  • Throughout the Bible, you will see that men are always the leaders.
  • Personally, I believe that Adam and Eve were created equal. However, as a result of sin, the woman was made to follow the man.

You forgot to mention that girls also have cooties. And we're not nearly as smart as men. And we couldn't accomplish anything without a man telling us what to do. And we dress funny.

Randy on Feminism

  • Well, the feminist movement has done more to harm the family and the role of the Woman in society than anything else in history

You're right. Women had it much better when it was still legal for their husband's to beat them. And back when we couldn't vote, and weren't allowed to speak out about anything? That was like totally awesome. I think it would have been swell to live back in those days when everything was not only nifty, but also peachy-keen. Boy howdy! Can I please go bake you a cake now? I promise I'll put sprinkles on it, just the way you like it.

Randy on Racism

  • I thought the red dot was for the husband on the wedding night - so he could scratch it off and see what he won. Ok - yes, that was a very bad joke.
  • I am sick to death of hearing that the Civil War was about slavery.
Way to teach the teens how to be a bigot, you big bigot. Big big bigot. That's fun to say.

Randy on Medicine

  • I believe the majority of people who are in mental instutions are under some kind of demonic opressions.
I've found that insulting the mentally ill by telling them their sickness is caused by demons is a great way to lead them to your religion. Seriously, dude. It's the 21st century. We let go of the mental illness = demons thing a long time ago. Try and keep up.

Randy on Naughty Words

  • If you are saying something has a foul odor about it, then there is nothing wrong with saying it stinks (duh) but if you are expressing your frusration, then it is one of those Christian swear words. For example, if you stub your toe, and you exclaim, "Oh stink!" The phrase becomes an expression of your pain and frustration. In that case, it is a sin.
Hold the phone. You're seriously teaching these kids that if they say "oh stink" it's a sin? I'll bet that means "fuck" is a no-no, too, doesn't it?

Randy Hearts Bush

  • That option wasn't there because God ordained him. Personally, I think he [Bush] is the greatest president since Regan, and second only to Regan.
  • Intelluctally, he [Bush] is brilliant. He shows no favoritism
I dig how you misspelled intellectually, and it's R-e-a-g-a-n. Reagan and Bush are the two greatest presidents? Now that's funny. And sad. Very sad.

Randy on Rape

  • Rapist are attracted to those who are immodest.
  • The rapist certainly is responsible for his actions. However, if the girl involved has dressed immodestly, she shares that responsibility.
  • If a woman is raped, it is never completely her fault. Everyone chooses to sin or not to sin. However, when a rape trial goes to court, the person who was raped is always asked one key question: "What were you wearing?" Have you noticed how, when a young girl is kidnaped, they are often immodestly dressed? Remember Jon-Benet Ramsey? What happened to her was not her fault, but her parents had her dressed up like a little harlot. If you go out and advertise your goods, what do you expect to happen?

How dare you tell these kids that if a girl dresses a certain way she's encouraging a rapist. What happens when one of the girls who reads your site gets raped? Do you know what kind of psychological damage that would cause? Do you even care? No. You don't. I hope you're never allowed to be on the jury for a rape trial. Anyone who would blame a woman for getting raped has to be "under some kind of demonic opressions", dontcha think?

And as much as Randy detests any debating on his website, he sure doesn't mind doing it when he feels he's been wronged. You can go here to read his argument with one of the moderators on Wikipedia. (He's imasaved1) I wonder if he realizes that he's on par with an adulterating, sodomizing murderer.

You can also go here to learn more about this upstanding teen-leader. You could even email him and tell him what a great job he's doing.

Take Care,
The Bablatrice - who has to go vomit now.

February 12, 2007

Burnin' Down the House


I'm going to apologize beforehand for the suckiness this post may display. I'm sick. I have IT. IT may be the flu. IT may be some strange disease that will cause me to grow extra appendages that glow in the dark. All I know is IT makes me feel like someone has beat me with a hammer. A big hammer. One that hurts. IT also causes my brain to malfunction.

God is a Pyromaniac

The very sweet Diana sent me an email with a story about a house fire. You can read about it here. It seems that god (I'm assuming it's the Christian god) has set fire to a house in Bardstown, KY that left 10 people dead. Avery Lewis (a random Bardstownite the paper elected to interview) stated, ''No matter how God calls them home, he calls only the best."


I hope I'm somewhere at the bottom of god's "good people" list.

God also has set fire to one of the local churches right here in Fayetteville. Thomas brought me this picture of it.

What does the sign say?


You're still standing.


But your church is toast.

Oh well. At least god protected the cross on your church. I'm sure you can find a way to work that into some miraculous sign that the Big G totally has your back.

Church Sign O' the Week

"True freedom comes from obedience"

Oh my. Church sign guy is feelin' his BDSM freak this week. You like a little spanky with your bible reading, do ya? You naughty, naughty boy. I'll bet you're an avid reader of this website: Christian - BDSM. Uh huh. Get your kink on for Jesus, people.

Take Care,
The Bablatrice - who thinks a luminescent 3rd arm might be kinda cool.

February 9, 2007

Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs

For those of you wondering how Anna Nicole Smith is managing in the afterworld, watch this and you'll wonder no more. This guy really thinks he's channeling Jesus.

You can check out more of the Polley's videos on YouTube. I think the cheese has slid off the Polley's crackers.

Take Care,

February 8, 2007

Dem Dastardly Demons

Don't say I didn't warn you. What I'm about to tell you is dark. It is frightening. It will shake your very foundation. It will shake your tailfeather. It may even cause you to poop your pants.

Today, I happened upon Demon Buster. Whoever owns this website knows their demons. Knows them like I know ...well crap...I don't know anything. But trust me. This person is so intimate with the demonic forces, they are daffy for demons. Dr. Daffy taught me that demons are everywhere. Oh, sweet mother of god! What's that over your left shoulder? Ha! Made you look. But there probably really is a whole passel of demons watching you. The little shits are everywhere. I already said that didn't I? You know why I'm repeating myself? Because the demons are everywhere and they're messing with my head.

Courtesy of Dr. Daffy, here is a short list of things that can invite these hellish bastards into your life: Candles, incense, dolls, stuffed animals, dream catchers, images of: owls, frogs, unicorns, dolphins, dragons; items from countries like Africa, China and Japan, American Indian artifacts, paisley pattern on anything, pictures of movie stars, The Book of Mormon, sundials, flamingos, clovers, stars, wishbones, lucky coins, mystic medals, horseshoes, rock and roll records or tapes (I guess CDs are okay), anything with a fleur-de-lis on it, pierced ears, trolls, various and assorted witchcraft objects, birth stones, playing cards and crosses.

Listen to me people! If you have any of these things in your house, get them the fuck outta there now. I just did and my house may be completely devoid of any decor, but it's also 100% demon-free. And it's really easy to dust now. However, I do have to say that ridding my house of my pierced ears was rather awkward. Does anyone know how long it takes the bleeding to stop after you've severed an ear?

By the way, are any of you suffering from depression? You wanna know why? It's because you got a bad case of the demon virus. Having trouble with your electronic equipment? It's that crazy demon duo, Boyce and Boice. (Dr. D's nicknames for them) Toddler having difficulty with potty training? Diaper demons!. Diabetic? Not just demons, but squid-like demons that are attacking your pancreas. You have a squid demon on your pancreas for fuck's sake. Why aren't you panicking?

But before you get into a big ol' demon funk, there's good news!

If you wish to be exorcised from demons, you can pop in over at Logos Christian Fellowship and fill out their "Exorcism Application". And the exorcism is free as long as you pay for it. At least I think that's what they mean. They state, "Counseling is free, but donations are expected". Which I'm pretty sure translates as: If you don't fork over some cash after we're through, we will shove that demon so far up your god-forsaken ass you'll be breathing fire and brimstone. Praise the Lord and have a blessed day."

Take Care,
The Bablatrice - who has a little demon inside her. His name is Spanky.

February 7, 2007

Under the Needle While Drunk

It's a little known fact that when Jesus wasn't raising the dead, he was a drag queen with bad makeup whose stage name was Grace. I hear he did a killer rendition of Like a Virgin and always dedicated to his mumsy.

You know anytime this guy has company he has to show them his "watch how I can butt-fuck the monkey with my finger" trick.

The caption reads, "Outta that hole you wascally wabbit!" Probably funny if you're in the 4th grade. But you're not. I hope you weren't planning on ever getting laid again, because you just threw that out the window. Way to go, Fuddpucker. Oooh. Mama Mary is showing J Dawg a little lovin' by rubbin' the man nip. Does Jesus have on a bonnet or does he have some type of crustacean growing out of his head?

See, I've got this friend and he's got a monkey on his belly, but my belly button is way bigger than his. I mean, look at it. It echoes for chrissake. So I want a cow. But I want it to be a skanky cow. Put a bunch of flies around the butt, 'cause everyone knows that cow ass stinks. Besides, my belly button has a pretty bad case of the stanky funk, too.
Even the J-man is sporting a tat paying homage to his daddio. JC's like a total hottie in this picture. Seriously, I would so do him.

Take Care,

February 6, 2007

Sexual Healing

Free From the Bondage of Man-Sex

Our favorite gay evangelist, Ted Haggard, has completed a rigorous three-week de-homofication regime in which he learned that the only reason he engaged in a little man action was because he was "acting out". This intensive procedure also left him completely heterosexual. Well, praise Jesus and pass the love lube! He's been de-gayed! I'll bet Teddy wishes Jesus would have "cured" him before his man hooker ratted him out. Anyway, Ted and his wife are leaving Colorado and thinking of a move to Iowa or Missouri and both are planning on attending school for psychology. Well, Haggardites, I have a super idea. Why don't you guys move here? I'm like so totally serious. Fayetteville is home to the University of Arkansas and they have an excellent psych program. You could hang out with me and I could show you around town. Teddy, I'd even take you to a gay bar or two, and then you'd find out that not all of you is heterosexual. We could round you up a big, strong man who would punish you for being such a bad boy and "acting out". Think about it, and let me know, okay?

Letters of Love

I found this t-shirt today while perusing the net. Here is what I think JC's reply to his dad should be.

Dear Dad,

Very funny. Har dee har har. Why didn't you just finish your cute little saying? "I need you to build a bridge and just get over it." Because I know that's exactly what you were thinking. Look. I can't help it that I'm not exactly stoked about getting crucified. I've seen crucifixions and they look really unpleasant. And you know how you promised that this whole "fully man, fully god" thing would get me the chicks? Well, guess what? It's not working. Ya think maybe it's because I'm forced to hang around 12 dudes who smell like fish all the time? By the way, the ladies do not think the miracles are "totally righteous", either. They think I'm some kind of savant. And to top it off, everyone's found out that I was born in a stable and now I'm stuck with the illustrious nickname of "Barn Boy". I hope you're enjoying your little joke.

When I get back, I am so not talking to you.

Your Begrudgingly Dutiful Son,

Godless Bloggers

I've added the Atheist Blogroll to my sidebar, so be sure and check out what all the sinners have to say.

Take Care,
The Bablatrice - who is an atheist for those of you who didn't know.

February 5, 2007

Dear Babs for Fwig

Here is a special Dear Babs question submitted by Fwig. This is his lead-in to the question, "I have an item for your next advice-column posting if you wish to tackle it. While the quote is not precise - I assure you that the attitude and content of the following message is 100% authentic. For anonymity's sake let us call the individual - Darryl Patricia."

Dear Babs,

While a lot of people look at my appearance - the shape of my head in particular, and observe my behavior and assume that I am both physically and mentally handicapped, I do not subscribe to that theory. I think people are just jealous because I am such a cool dude and I have my very own condo (that I will one day pay my parents back for) and because I'm closely related to the company president.

Here's the problem that my coworkers have declined to give me advice regarding: While I can not legally drive, I still like to walk to one of the local bars and have some drinks and pick up hot chicks to take home for sex. The problem is - after we slap on the cream and do the dirty, I just want the chick to go away so that I can go back to the bar for more drinks.How do I drop the hint that they should leave?

Darryl Patricia

Dear Darryl,

First off, I have to say that you sound like such an adorable little asshat. Really. I could just pinch your cheeks. By the way, that was NOT a come-on. I do NOT want to fuck you. I'm also sure that you are indeed a really cool dude, and I know this because you're conceited enough to tell everyone that you are. Conceited prick + misshapen head = totally cool. Now that's some simple math that even you can figure out.

Before I tell you how you can kick those hottie bitches to the curb, I'm going to give you a vocabulary word for the day: Nepotism. Grab a dictionary and look it up, okay? It's how you got your job. I also want to know why is it you can't legally drive? I'm guessing you lost your license because you were behind the wheel while you were a wee bit tipsy. Now, I know you weren't really that drunk. That cop was just busting your nuts because you were way better looking than him, and had him beat all to hell in the big dick department.

But on to your little dilemma. So...you like to pick up the chicks in a bar, slap 'em the schlong and then send 'em packing? I can't blame you for that. Everyone knows that's the only thing we hos are good for. I do have a few tips for how you can hoist that fine piece of ass out the door faster than an oiled-up co-ed on a slip 'n slide. Now, if you were any ordinary guy, I'd tell you to try the following:

  1. Ask her to smell your boxers and see if they really do smell like three-day old tacos.
  2. Pick your nose and ask her to eat your "nose nuggets".
  3. Offer to show her your collection of human kidneys, dead skin or egg carton full of nipples.
  4. Explain to her the fine art of necrophilia.
  5. Insist that she call you, "Master Vlad the Vagina Viking"
  6. Turn on Blue's Clues and start masturbating while saying, "That's right, Blue. I've got your big bone right here."

But, since you're an ostentatious, pompous son of a whore, I think the best way to get that ho out the do' is to just be yourself. Show that dirty, little slut what a total fuckwit you are, and you'll be bellying up to the bar before you know it.

Happy Copulating, Jerk-off!

February 3, 2007

Fundies Are Funny

I pop into Fundies Say the Darndest Things once in awhile when I need a good laugh. The things that these fundamentalists say really blow me away. Okay. I like the smell of hay. Have a good day. Is your name Jay? I like the month of May. Oh. Sorry. Any hooha, I've plucked some of these comments from FSTDT and my own Christian-forum perusing. Now, I'm not going to be rude and say these people or stupid. Instead, I'll just say their complete fucktards. Here we go!

  • "No, the Sun is the center of the universe." - Solar system- Universe. Close enough.
  • "As for that one dirt thing, there is a brance of biology which has shown that every part of your body is made from simple red clay...now that is cool." - That totally explains why I keep sprouting vegetation from my crack.
  • "I just learned from Beastt yesterday that they arrive at this n-billion years by using the speed of light; and since I totally disagree with that, I contend that this universe is only 6100 years old" - Your methods of logic are impeccable.
  • "God does not and will not torture anyone. It is unbiblical to say that God will torture people -- the Bible never uses the word torture. God punishes them with no intent to teach them, correct them, or reform them. This is not torture." - So you can beat the shit out of someone as long as you don't teach them anything? Sweet!
  • (On homosexuality)"Just because you are born a certain way doesn't meant that is the way you have to be. Some people are born Asian, but through surgeries and counseling they can change." - Damn straight, Skippy. I'm having my de-Caucasianization surgery on Tuesday. I can't wait!
  • I can sum it all up in three words: Evolution is a lie - I can sum it up in three words, too: You can't count.
  • If you are unsaved and think this whole Bible and Christ thing sounds stupid - That's what God intended! It's supposed to sound stupid to you. - Did God intend for you to sound stupid, too?
  • ...when Jesus was born it split time in half....this is historical fact....BCE/CE....can you argue with that as vague or some other thing you dismiss what is part of history based on biblical facts..... - Um. You're a dumb dumb.
  • "I didn't come to Jesus by my intelligence and neither will you my friend." -Well played, old chap.
  • I [saw]some young children's toys and books in Wal-Mart that looked pretty demonic:-several books about dragonology -action figures of different types of dragons...It's so demonically sick the toys and books for CHILDREN that are made, and these were displayed right out in the open. -For shame! Dragons in the open right there in the toy department? What's next? 12" strap-ons? Heroin? DIY abortion kits?
  • God still allows demons to influence animal behavior, as is evident by the horrible, bloody carnage taking place in all levels of the animal world. -Those demons are some busy mother fuckers.
  • "Our ancestors are monkeys, if you say so answer these questions...
    1) why did (and how did) monkeys lost their feathers?, 2) why did monkeys start walking upright? (even it is a disadvantage for them), 3)why did (ofcourse how did) they start talking?" -
    They lost their feathers when they discovered fire and set themselves ablaze. Not being very smart, they tried to run from the fire which led to walking upright. Then, of course, the talking started. I mean, they were on fire for god's sake. You'd be talking, too. It's a documented fact that their first words were, "Oh shit! I'm on fire!"

Take Care,
The Bablatrice -who wishes she was making this up