Bible World Land, Phase II

I'm sure you all have been dying for me to complete Phase II of Bible World Land. Well, unplug that life support, kids, because here it is. For those of you who don't know, Bible World Land is my vision of a Christian amusement park. You can read about Phase I of the park here.

New Testament Rides

The Guilt-a-Whirl - When you board this centrifugal bad boy you'll tell us your most heinous sins. Then while you're spinning round and round we'll announce those sins over a loudspeaker. Everyone is encouraged to laugh and jeer and make everyone else feel like a total loser. Ah yes, feel the shame and nausea. Don't you feel like a worthless sinner, you little smear of dog poo on the bottom of a two-dollar flip-flop? If you don't, you get to ride again! That's right. If you're not puking up your pancreas and crying like a little girl by the time the ride is finished, you have to keep riding until you are.

The Chamber of Horrors - Step through the door and be greeted by our favorite fundies, Jerry Falwell, James Dobson, and Pat Robertson. Listen to them shout about the evils of this world such as: dancing, low-rise jeans, O'Doul's, hoop earrings and how Disney is brainwashing our children while Harry Potter introduces them to the dark, sultry seduction of Satan. For a finale, they'll sing "I Once Was on the Hell-Bound Train, 'Til Jesus Punched My Ticket" in three-part harmony. Dee-vine!

The Crucifixion Challenge - Well, basically we nail you to a cross. But there are prizes! For each stage of the crucifixion you can endure without screaming, you get a prize.

• Crown of thorns = "Jesus loves me the most" keyring
• Lashes on the back = Virgin Mary pin-up poster
• Nails in hands = 19-inch, simulated alabaster, rhinestone-encrusted, light-up cross.
• Nails in feet = Extra-large Jesus plushie and an "I got nailed at Bible World Land" t-shirt
• Spear in the side = Jesus clock radio, The 12 Disciples Fondue-Fun Kit and a free faith-healing by Benny Hinn. We're keeping our fingers crossed that this one actually works!

The Rapture-o-rama- Step inside our anti-gravity machine and hold onto your bibles. As soon as the trumpet sounds, we turn off the gravity and turn on the rapture funk. It's so realistic, you'll be pissing yourself with heaven-bound joy. Be sure and look out the glass walls so you can point and smirk at our imported non-believers who are getting their reprobate asses left behind. Go heavy on the piousness to ensure you're getting the full experience of this ride. As we at Bible World Land like to say, "If you don't feel superior, you're not really saved."

New Testament Attractions

The Leper Hut - Observe the members of our leper colony as they candidly interact and lose chunks of flesh. They'll frolic and play while leaving a colorful trail of muscle and sinew. Even though you'll be tempted to pet them, don't or you might find yourself minus a digit or two.

The Judas Iscariot Kissing Booth - Want to know what it's like to get the kiss of death? Then pucker up to the black sheep of the New Testament. For only 30 pieces of silver, you can taste the lips of the most horrendous man to ever live. We only ask that you please refrain from using any tongue, as that will lead to immoral acts. Namely, free-thinking.

Exorcism Alley - Chortle and guffaw at the hilarious antics of our exorcists as they extract demons from possessed miscreants right before your very eyes. Their slap-stick schtick will leave you and our demon-host gasping for air. Watch out for that projectile vomit! As a bonus, if you have any possessed friends or relatives bring them along, and we'll rid them of their pesky demons, too. Please note that all exorcists are trained professionals. Do not attempt this at home on your little brother. No matter how tempting it may be.

The Virgin Birth Reenacted - Experience the miracle of birth as the Virgin Mary squirts out the baby Jesus. Hear her screams of pure joy as the sacred head starts to emerge. Relish in the melodious, first cries of our infant Lord. Just try not to lose your lunch when Mary eats the placenta. That's right, if it hadn't been for the placenta-eating, Jesus wouldn't have been the true Messiah. I'll bet you didn't know that, did you?

New Testament Food Court

Luke's Fish Fritters
Matthew's Fish and Chips
John's Sushi Bar
Mark's Fish on a Stick
Loaves and Fishes Buffet
Oh Look! More Fish
Peter's Pickled Peppers...and Fish
We Loves Us Some Fish

We hope you've enjoyed your time at Bible World Land. Remember, kiddies, if you don't accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you'll burn for all eternity in hell. And all the while you're in horrific, flesh-burning torment, you'll be thinking how we pompous fuckmonkeys are romping around up in heaven, carefree and with nary a scorch. Can I get an amen?

Take Care,
The Bablatrice