January 18, 2007

But We Can Stick Our Heads Out the Sun Roof!

On my way to work this morning, I saw a car-carrier with three stretch limousines on it. My first thought was, "Hey. I've never seen a limousine on a car-carrier, and now I'm seeing three. Interesting. Is car-carrier the proper terminology or is there a techinal term for trucks that carry cars on those rack thingies?"

My second thought was, "Oh! Looky who's beside me. It's Mr. Important and he's white-knuckling his steering wheel because he's pissed that he's late and we underlings have the audacity to drive on his own private highway. I think I'll sit here and smile and wave to him. That'll cheer him up. Oh. Oh my. Maybe not."

I then had a life-altering realization. It was damn close to an epiphany. All that was missing was the virgin, bright lights, midgets and a host of heavenly angels singing.

No wait. That's my recipe for freaky circus sex. Do you think I should throw in a dancing poodle who wears tap pants and a push-up bra?

Anyhooha, my life-altering realization was that I hate stretch limos. Detest them. They're tacky. Ugly. Pretentious. Faux riche. Alright, why do we have to italicize foreign words when first introduced into a piece of writing? Do the grammar rule people think we really won't know when words aren't written in our native language unless they're like this? By the way, did you know that even though Americans spell "italicize" and other -ize words with a "z" and the British use an "s", the "z" is really the old, old English spelling and the British changed it to "s", but then those fun-loving Pilgrims changed it back to "z" after they took that pleasure cruise on the Mayflower? That's the kind of thing I learn by listening to NPR. It's probably all a big, fat lie.

Did you also know that this is exactly the way I really carry on a conversation, and when I constantly interrupt my train of thought with useless drivel, it drives Thomas and his penis crazy? It drives him crazy because it takes me forever to get to the fucking point and it drives his penis crazy because he finds my rambling to be endearing. And I know that by endearing he means sexually arousing. (For those of you wondering why I just painfully interjected my husband's member into the conversation, you have to read the comment Fwig left on my previous post.)

Christ on a stick, what the hell was I talking about?

Oh yeah. Stretch limousines. Every time I see one, I think that the person lurking behind the tinted glass is some backhill inbred who just received the check from his insurance settlement and decided to wisely spend a portion of his fortune on a limousine rental. He will then head down to "Skeeter's Bar and Bait Shop" to show the boys his new-found wealth, and let them know he'll be "livin' high on the hog from now on, by god". Or at least until his windfall of 1500 bucks is frittered away. He will have somehow managed to mount a gun rack onto the grill of the limo, and will be using the Scotch decanter as a spit cup. All the while Sweet Home, Alabama will be threatening to utterly demolish the speakers and his highly intoxicated wife will be flashing her saggy boobies out of the sun roof.

Limousines are also too big. And I hate them.

Okay. Well, that was neither life-altering nor an epiphany after all, was it? But, should anyone want to impress me with a vehicle, this is one that would do it.

I just thought you should know.

Take Care,

The Bablatrice - who really did drag you through all that just so she could show you a picture of a pretty car. You are welcome.

11 comments:

  1. Sweet convertible though

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  2. Anonymous9:21 AM

    I found your blog randomly - I totally agree with the limo thing. Especially bad are those SUV limos, which represent all that is bad about America. One of my friends describes the first time she saw one like this: "I had to stop in the middle of the street and throw up."

    Well played, random woman.

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  3. Not sure if you're a fan, but one of my favourite scenes from Six Feet Under was when a group of women were out partying in a limo and one chick stood up through the sunroof and got her face smashed in when she hit some kind of utility bucket truck that was hanging a bit low. It was sweet. Does that make me sick?

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  4. Have to admit, your rambling IS endearing. But not to my, um, you know, cause it doesn't dig the internet so much. Nice Bentley.

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  5. I love your blog to little bite size pieces.

    This one is bookmarked and slated for daily observation.

    Good work.

    =]

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  6. LLight - Indeed it is. I want it for my own. Thanks for stopping by!

    Anon- UGH! The SUV limousines are indeed vomit-inducing. They're hideous!

    Dave- That definitely does not make you sick. It just means you have a sick sense of humor, and I like it very, very much.

    Don - I'm happy that your um..you know...doesn't get endeared by my blog. I really don't want to think that anyone is touching themselves while reading. Even someone as lovely as you.

    Minimal - Thanks! I'm glad you found me. Not that I was lost. Well, I mean, I am as far as my soul goes, but that's a hopeless cause.

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  7. Why are limosines thought of as such elegant beautiful cars? And why does everyone suddenly assume your more important if you arrive in one? Their ugly...their cramped inside most times[yes unfortunatly i have been in one], and becuase of their size their really quite obnoxious.
    If I ever have an event to go to, I want to arrive in some beautiful car, much like that convertable...or a custom made car of some sort. somehting that actually screams beautiful, important, expensive...obnoxious with good reason you know?

    Im going to stop now, before I get into how people blindly follow the rich/so called important/celebrities. That could take a while for me to get to the end of it...
    I must say though, my daily dose of random from your blog is starting to become a favorite.

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  8. BTS - I don't know why people seem to love limos. If you're going to show off your wealth, it should definitely be in an understated, elegant way.

    I don't get the celebrity thing, either. I know there are a few that I would like to sit down and chat with - Johnny Depp being first on that list - but a lot of them would be empty-headed and boring.

    And, thanks!

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  9. Does anything scream white trash more than an SUV limousine?

    And I'm completely in lust with that Bentley.

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  10. Kathleen - The only thing I can think of that would make it more white trash was if Britney Spears was in the backseat.

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  11. When I look at such luxury cars, I have no words!!!
    Bentley is a real king of the best cars.
    Bentley Limousine is a king of limo cars.
    This brand is only for chosen ones, not everyone can taste this power and luxury.
    Such cars are produced in limited quantities and I am sure that not so many Limousine hire company may offer it.

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