January 16, 2007

All Their Dogs Don't Bark

If I Only Had a Brain

Jack Whitaker won the $315 million powerball lottery in December of 2002. He opted for the $113 million post-tax settlement and now he is completely broke. Let me recap that for you.

4 years ago = multimillionaire. Today = buh-roke.

Doesn't that qualify as a miracle or something? Jack, thou wizard of the financial world, do you know that your spending averages over 28 million dollars a year? That's over seventy-six thousand dollars a day! Jackie, Jackie, Jackie. Karma smiled lovingly down at you. She stroked your hair lightly with her slender fingers of pure serendipitous magic and whispered, "Jack Whitaker, I, in my finicky goodness, am going to bestow upon you a fuckload of money." Do you know what karma gives me, Jackie? The bathroom stall with no toilet paper. Damn near every time.

I know you're claiming that a "team of crooks" cashed checks on your bank account and swiped all your money. But, dude. You were bouncing checks to casinos. Why do I get the feeling that your "team of crooks" were all dealers at the blackjack table. I just want you to know that you have successfully kicked karma right in the crotch, and one thing that even you could win a bet on is that she's probably pretty damn pissed about now. Way to go, Wonderboy.


While we Americans are worried about silly things like health care, education, the environment and the fact that a 1st grader could kick our president's ass in a spelling bee, at least one of our stellar, elected officials is concerning herself about one very important issue: hamburgers. And when you think about it, what could be more important to the welfare of our nation than ground beef on a bun? Republican Representative Betty Brown of Athens, TX has proposed a resolution that would declare Athens to be the original home of the hamburger.

Betty is facing fierce, beefblood-thirsty opposition from some folks in New Haven, CT who are asserting that they are the true owners of the, "The Hamburger Originated Here, Dammit" title. Even the New Haven mayor is chiming in with a hearty, quarter-pound vote. So, America, when you're worried that our fine country is going to hell faster than a bus-load of gay, pro-choice atheists, just remember Betty and her stoic fight for the hamburger. If that doesn't soothe your troubled brow, I don't know what will.

Other Kooky Politicians

After hearing that James Dobson wanted to break up with him due to a difference of opinion on "traditional marriage", Senator John McCain announced that he wanted to kiss and make up. The Senator then sent his Most Reverend Fundamentalist Nutjob a " Do you like me? Check yes or no." note. Rumor has it that Fundy Dobson stated, "It's not really the Senator's views on marriage that I find disturbing. It's his pasty white skin."

And finally, Condi Condi bo Bondi Rice showed pure genius when in reply to the question of whether sending 22,000 more troops to Iraq was an escalation, uttered the phrase, "Uh. Uh. Er. No Senator. Uh. I would call it uh, senator, an augmentation". Beautiful poetry that makes total sense. The war in Iraq is getting bodacious ta tas. Condi then subsequently had her uterus bitch slapped by Senator Barbara Boxer. I love me a good chick fight.

Take Care,
The Bablatrice - who begs your forgiveness for the rantiness of this post, but sometimes is just frustrated by the sheer stupidity of some people.


  1. Is Arkansas not as God-fearing and Republican as I thought, because you're blowing all preconceived notions? And that's a good thing.

    Loved the line about a first grader being able to beat Dumbya in a spelling bee!

    And what the heck is up with John McCain? He seems to flip-flop between being a thinking Republican and kissing the ass of the Religious Right/Party-Liners.

  2. Kathleen - Arkansas is indeed profuse with god-fearing Republicans, but occasionally you'll run into an athesist, hell-bound Democrat. Most of us are imports, but there are a few home-grown lefties. It's definitely an anomaly in Arkansas, but not unheard of.

    I think John McCain just wants to be on the winning team. Meaning, he'll flop whichever way gets him the most votes.