January 9, 2007

My Country 'Tis of Thee

Off My Lazy Ass
Look - over to your right. Your other right. See it? I finally put up a link list of my daily reads. Do I get some kind of an award now?

Buy a Country
I guess you've all heard that Sealand, the world's smallest country, is for
sale. Here's a little bit about Sealand:

During the 1939-45 War, Great Britain established an artificial island on the High Seas. This island was equipped with radar and heavy armaments and occupied by some two hundred servicemen. In the winter of 1966, a British family took possession and commenced the task of equipping and restoring the island. On 2 September 1967, they hoisted their own flag and declared the existence of a new state - the Principality of Sealand.
Sounds fascinating doesn't it? It'd be pretty awesome to rule your own country, wouldn't it? But before you get all atwitter with grand visions of becoming a dictator, I have to tell you that there is a dark side to Sealand.

A very dark side.

For one thing - the name...I mean...Sealand? That's really the best you could come up with? Why not name it Dinkenflugen or Chigalooloo? Or you could fuck with other countries and name it something like Eyerland, or Phrance. But Sealand? For shame, world's smallest country owners.

Not only does Sealand have an embarrassing name, but to put it in the nicest way possible, it's a shit hole. It's a metal platform on top of two concrete pylons. Here. See for yourself.

Yeah. That's it.

That's Sealand.

Shit hole extraordinaire.




And that picture is taken BEFORE the fire. Last June there was a fire and you can go hereto see what it looks like post-fire. Now it's an even bigger shit hole.

I think Sealand may be a tough sale, and the owners should seriously consider having me write their real estate advertisement. Here's a rough draft.

For sale. World's smallest country. Shangri-la, Nirvana, Sealand. Whatever you call it, this man-made tropical island can be your little slice of heaven. This vast 500 sq meter paradise of lush metal and steel sits atop two pillars of the finest 1940s era concrete. Relax on your back deck and watch the water lap gently againt the sides of the pylons that are possibly on the brink of collapse. Enjoy the occasional boater, and with full sovereignty of your country, you can shoot the bastards if they venture too close. Take long moonlit walks around your Garden of Eden. Around and around in circles. Over and over again with nowhere else to go, while the voices in your head begin as a soft murmur and then crescendo into a full chorus of insanities that tempt you to jump over the railing. But not before taking out the other inhabitants of your island with the semi-automatic you keep tucked under your pillow. Your island estate has a large state room master suite and several guest berths cottages. There's also a kitchen. But here on the high seas, we like to call it a galley. Aarrgh, matey. There's also a toilet. Just a toilet. No shower or bath is necessary as we have Mother Nature to cleanse us and make us whole. The estate is currently being remodeled and that charred aroma should dissipate in 5 years or so. Make an offer now, because this sweet piece of shit won't last long.

For clarity's sake, Sealand is not officially recognized as a country and therefore cannot be sold, but don't tell that to Sealand's Royal Family. It's a lot more fun having them think they can.

Take Care,
The Bablatrice

7 comments:

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  2. I always admired Sealand but I'm not so sure anymore. Looks like the surviving trailer at a trailer park along the Mississippi shore. But if I was stupid rich I would totally buy it. Their income if I recall was from no-questions server hosting, so I would continue that and get filthier richer and build a great glass dome to keep out the wind and have decadent parties where everyone's almost naked and we'd speak in fake British accents. Oh, and dope would be legal, and free speech would not include being mean to people. And we'd have French chefs and British waiters, not the other way around. Or maybe just all Italians, good-looking ones of both sexes who really like Americans. Now see what you've started?

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  4. Don - Unfortunately the server hosting deal went south. I do like your idea of the dome and the foreigners. Italian, British, French - doesn't really matter as I've always been a sucker for a foreign accent.

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  5. I must say, Sealand is possibly the most undesirable (and slightly ugly) country I have ever seen. Though if the money, and the boredom allowed..I would totally buy it just to have the title. Though Sealand is a little bit of an icky name I agree...but to own your own country, even a steel/concrete one. You have to admit that there is some bragging rights if ever there was such a thing. As long as you explain your country as a "quaint little island, with beautiful views of the ocean on all sides. You know...the perfect place to just go and relax without any pesky neighbors or countries or anything." and add all the gory details in your mind.

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  6. Oh my god. When I first heard about this country on the news, I pictured an actual island...something on which you'd see Gilligan et al cavorting.
    How frightening reality is! OK, maybe the pictures are a bit deceptive, but this appears to be little more than a hunk of rusty sheet-metal on sticks.

    Your real estate ad seems pretty accurate to me. I know I'd snap like a well-dried twig if I spent more than a day on that thing.

    I went to the country's website, and I'm pissing myself laughing.

    "In late June of 2006, the island suffered a devastating fire which destroyed much of the country's administrative centre and the main power generation facility which serves its population and industries...the disaster has compromised significantly the quality of life of its inhabitants and the continued development of the island's economic and social growth."

    Administrative centre? Industries? Quality of life? Economic and social growth?

    WTF?

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  7. BTS - I admit that it would be completely cool to be the dictator of my own county, but I just can't imagine it being this one. If I had a few million just begging me to spend it, I'd probably buy an island in the Caribbean. Then I could just pretend it was my own country.

    Dave - It looks like an abandoned oil platform, Doesn't it? And isnt' there some international law that states that if you own a country comprised of metal and concrete, you have to at least keep it painted?

    I enjoyed reading their website, too. I just wonder if they were this kooky before or after inhabiting the island.

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