February 3, 2007

Fundies Are Funny

I pop into Fundies Say the Darndest Things once in awhile when I need a good laugh. The things that these fundamentalists say really blow me away. Okay. I like the smell of hay. Have a good day. Is your name Jay? I like the month of May. Oh. Sorry. Any hooha, I've plucked some of these comments from FSTDT and my own Christian-forum perusing. Now, I'm not going to be rude and say these people or stupid. Instead, I'll just say their complete fucktards. Here we go!

  • "No, the Sun is the center of the universe." - Solar system- Universe. Close enough.
  • "As for that one dirt thing, there is a brance of biology which has shown that every part of your body is made from simple red clay...now that is cool." - That totally explains why I keep sprouting vegetation from my crack.
  • "I just learned from Beastt yesterday that they arrive at this n-billion years by using the speed of light; and since I totally disagree with that, I contend that this universe is only 6100 years old" - Your methods of logic are impeccable.
  • "God does not and will not torture anyone. It is unbiblical to say that God will torture people -- the Bible never uses the word torture. God punishes them with no intent to teach them, correct them, or reform them. This is not torture." - So you can beat the shit out of someone as long as you don't teach them anything? Sweet!
  • (On homosexuality)"Just because you are born a certain way doesn't meant that is the way you have to be. Some people are born Asian, but through surgeries and counseling they can change." - Damn straight, Skippy. I'm having my de-Caucasianization surgery on Tuesday. I can't wait!
  • I can sum it all up in three words: Evolution is a lie - I can sum it up in three words, too: You can't count.
  • If you are unsaved and think this whole Bible and Christ thing sounds stupid - That's what God intended! It's supposed to sound stupid to you. - Did God intend for you to sound stupid, too?
  • ...when Jesus was born it split time in half....this is historical fact....BCE/CE....can you argue with that as vague or some other thing you dismiss what is part of history based on biblical facts..... - Um. You're a dumb dumb.
  • "I didn't come to Jesus by my intelligence and neither will you my friend." -Well played, old chap.
  • I [saw]some young children's toys and books in Wal-Mart that looked pretty demonic:-several books about dragonology -action figures of different types of dragons...It's so demonically sick the toys and books for CHILDREN that are made, and these were displayed right out in the open. -For shame! Dragons in the open right there in the toy department? What's next? 12" strap-ons? Heroin? DIY abortion kits?
  • God still allows demons to influence animal behavior, as is evident by the horrible, bloody carnage taking place in all levels of the animal world. -Those demons are some busy mother fuckers.
  • "Our ancestors are monkeys, if you say so answer these questions...
    1) why did (and how did) monkeys lost their feathers?, 2) why did monkeys start walking upright? (even it is a disadvantage for them), 3)why did (ofcourse how did) they start talking?" -
    They lost their feathers when they discovered fire and set themselves ablaze. Not being very smart, they tried to run from the fire which led to walking upright. Then, of course, the talking started. I mean, they were on fire for god's sake. You'd be talking, too. It's a documented fact that their first words were, "Oh shit! I'm on fire!"

Take Care,
The Bablatrice -who wishes she was making this up

11 comments:

  1. Thanks to the education you are providing, I now know I live in a strange and foreign country.

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  2. Carla8:19 PM

    Kee-ryst on a cracker you're funny!

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  3. Don - Yep. 'Tis definitely strange. I don't think a lot of the non-fundamnetalist Xians realize what a bunch of nutcases their far right brethren are.

    Diana - Nutty with a touch of nougat.

    Carla - You really are too sweet!

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  4. At the mention of the word 'fucktard' - one I have never heard before - I was immediately put off, thinking no person, no matter how stupid, could deserve such a foul epithet.

    You've proved me wrong.


    Ooh - on a similar vein - I have an item for your next advice-column posting if you wish to tackle it. While the quote is not precise - I assure you that the attitude and content of the following message is 100% authentic. For anonymity's sake let us call the individual - Darryl Patricia.

    Dear Flumadiddle,
    While a lot of people look at my appearance - the shape of my head in particular, and observe my behavior and assume that I am both physically and mentally handicapped, I do not subscribe to that theory. I think people are just jealous because I am such a cool dude and I have my very own condo (that I will one day pay my parents back for) and because I'm closely related to the company president. Here's the problem that my coworkers have declined to give me advice regarding:

    While I can not legally drive, I still like to walk to one of the local bars and have some drinks and pick up hot chicks to take home for sex. The problem is - after we slap on the cream and do the dirty, I just want the chick to go away so that I can go back to the bar for more drinks.

    How do I drop the hint that they should leave?

    Thanks,
    Darryl Patricia

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  5. Royce6:12 PM

    I am so glad my sister Blah Blah Blogolicious put your link in her blog. I laughed out loud at work today, I'm sure that is one of the signs of the apocalypse. (evil grin) Royce

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  6. Fwig - The question is perfect. I promise I will answer it soon. Very soon. Darryl sounds like quite the sweetheart.

    Royce - Welcome! Not only is your laughing out loud at work a sign of the apocalypse, it's also a sign that you're on your way to hell. But no worries. I'm sure we'll all have a grand time there.

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  7. One more thing, Royce, you've got a great sister!

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  8. Wow. And for the record, yes, we nonfundamentalist Xians are aware of how insane and stupid the far right is. And it scares my sad Liberal heart.

    I must admit that I was a little confused by the monkeys losing their feathers question. HUH!?

    Should I give my born again brother Darwin's Evolution of the Species for Christmas?

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  9. Kathleen - It really amazes me how many Christians absolutely refuse to even try to understand evolution. But, for someone to think monkey's once had feathers is just beyond me.

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