Our favorite gay evangelist, Ted Haggard, has completed a rigorous three-week de-homofication regime in which he learned that the only reason he engaged in a little man action was because he was "acting out". This intensive procedure also left him completely heterosexual. Well, praise Jesus and pass the love lube! He's been de-gayed! I'll bet Teddy wishes Jesus would have "cured" him before his man hooker ratted him out. Anyway, Ted and his wife are leaving Colorado and thinking of a move to Iowa or Missouri and both are planning on attending school for psychology. Well, Haggardites, I have a super idea. Why don't you guys move here? I'm like so totally serious. Fayetteville is home to the University of Arkansas and they have an excellent psych program. You could hang out with me and I could show you around town. Teddy, I'd even take you to a gay bar or two, and then you'd find out that not all of you is heterosexual. We could round you up a big, strong man who would punish you for being such a bad boy and "acting out". Think about it, and let me know, okay?
Letters of Love
I found this t-shirt today while perusing the net. Here is what I think JC's reply to his dad should be.
Dear Dad,
Very funny. Har dee har har. Why didn't you just finish your cute little saying? "I need you to build a bridge and just get over it." Because I know that's exactly what you were thinking. Look. I can't help it that I'm not exactly stoked about getting crucified. I've seen crucifixions and they look really unpleasant. And you know how you promised that this whole "fully man, fully god" thing would get me the chicks? Well, guess what? It's not working. Ya think maybe it's because I'm forced to hang around 12 dudes who smell like fish all the time? By the way, the ladies do not think the miracles are "totally righteous", either. They think I'm some kind of savant. And to top it off, everyone's found out that I was born in a stable and now I'm stuck with the illustrious nickname of "Barn Boy". I hope you're enjoying your little joke.
When I get back, I am so not talking to you.
Your Begrudgingly Dutiful Son,
Jesus
Godless Bloggers
I've added the Atheist Blogroll to my sidebar, so be sure and check out what all the sinners have to say.
Take Care,
The Bablatrice - who is an atheist for those of you who didn't know.
So much loved the blog. Sure to be around.
ReplyDeleteCheers.
You, girl, make me laugh. I just rolled my eyes yesterday when I read that Haggard was "fully heterosexual." But you? You put my eye-rolling into such eloquent words.
ReplyDeleteLoved Jesus' letter to Dad.
Well I was sort of confused by the intent of that t-shirt. First I thought "wow, only three nails? that's some crappy bridge", and then my mind went to some realy strange s&m kind of "you hurt the one you love" thing. But spikes? Holy Jesus...then it hit me.
ReplyDeleteAs for Teddy, perhaps you should hook him up with Pinkshirt Whitepants to make sure he stays on the str8 and narrow.
Guerreiro - Thank you very much!
ReplyDeleteKathleen - I know. I can't wait for the next time he "acts out". Poor guy.
Dave - I think Ted and Pinkshirt Whitepants would be the perfect couple. They could talk about what sinners they were and how much god hated them while they were doing each other.
Ted Ted Ted, what a top notch loser. My husband I figured that Teddy toy must have spent the last 3 weeks in strip bars and hanging out with hookers, er eh well, with the other ministers as they over saw his miraculous transformation. I have a feeling we will see his fugly head again. ick!
ReplyDeleteCarla, my friend, I think you and your husband have it nailed. I agree, we'll probably see Ted in another scandal, but the next time there will probably be photographs.
ReplyDeleteThat "love" is expressed with a hammer and railroad spikes and a Gibsonesque gushing of blood just sort of creeps me out. Was Christianity really such an improvement over Mithraism or did they just hire the better marketing team? Oh, they did! They hired that Jewish outfit. Those guys always get the swank accounts.
ReplyDelete