February 5, 2007

Dear Babs for Fwig

Here is a special Dear Babs question submitted by Fwig. This is his lead-in to the question, "I have an item for your next advice-column posting if you wish to tackle it. While the quote is not precise - I assure you that the attitude and content of the following message is 100% authentic. For anonymity's sake let us call the individual - Darryl Patricia."

Dear Babs,

While a lot of people look at my appearance - the shape of my head in particular, and observe my behavior and assume that I am both physically and mentally handicapped, I do not subscribe to that theory. I think people are just jealous because I am such a cool dude and I have my very own condo (that I will one day pay my parents back for) and because I'm closely related to the company president.

Here's the problem that my coworkers have declined to give me advice regarding: While I can not legally drive, I still like to walk to one of the local bars and have some drinks and pick up hot chicks to take home for sex. The problem is - after we slap on the cream and do the dirty, I just want the chick to go away so that I can go back to the bar for more drinks.How do I drop the hint that they should leave?

Darryl Patricia

Dear Darryl,

First off, I have to say that you sound like such an adorable little asshat. Really. I could just pinch your cheeks. By the way, that was NOT a come-on. I do NOT want to fuck you. I'm also sure that you are indeed a really cool dude, and I know this because you're conceited enough to tell everyone that you are. Conceited prick + misshapen head = totally cool. Now that's some simple math that even you can figure out.

Before I tell you how you can kick those hottie bitches to the curb, I'm going to give you a vocabulary word for the day: Nepotism. Grab a dictionary and look it up, okay? It's how you got your job. I also want to know why is it you can't legally drive? I'm guessing you lost your license because you were behind the wheel while you were a wee bit tipsy. Now, I know you weren't really that drunk. That cop was just busting your nuts because you were way better looking than him, and had him beat all to hell in the big dick department.

But on to your little dilemma. So...you like to pick up the chicks in a bar, slap 'em the schlong and then send 'em packing? I can't blame you for that. Everyone knows that's the only thing we hos are good for. I do have a few tips for how you can hoist that fine piece of ass out the door faster than an oiled-up co-ed on a slip 'n slide. Now, if you were any ordinary guy, I'd tell you to try the following:

  1. Ask her to smell your boxers and see if they really do smell like three-day old tacos.
  2. Pick your nose and ask her to eat your "nose nuggets".
  3. Offer to show her your collection of human kidneys, dead skin or egg carton full of nipples.
  4. Explain to her the fine art of necrophilia.
  5. Insist that she call you, "Master Vlad the Vagina Viking"
  6. Turn on Blue's Clues and start masturbating while saying, "That's right, Blue. I've got your big bone right here."

But, since you're an ostentatious, pompous son of a whore, I think the best way to get that ho out the do' is to just be yourself. Show that dirty, little slut what a total fuckwit you are, and you'll be bellying up to the bar before you know it.

Happy Copulating, Jerk-off!


  1. Anonymous12:53 AM

    You go Babs. Couldn't have said it better myself.

  2. Poor Darryl. Does he not realize that the bars are all closed? Because having met the chap, I can only assume that he managed to pick up only after the music stopped and the taps were shut off (but before the lights came on), and clearly every other straight male in the joint had vacated the building.
    Oh, and perhaps Hell also froze over.

  3. Anonymous3:42 PM

    Um Ann Landers used to wonder if the Yalies weren't having her on as it were. Oh wait, you are too young for Ann Landers..is there an online advice equivalent these days?

  4. I hope you are having fun ridiculing Christians. Maybe if you'd spend more time reading or getting out of the house occasionally you'd learn something about Christianity.

    And maybe learn something about true atheism as well.

    Click here to see how we, over at Atheismsucks.blogspot.com are fighting back against atheism

    *Sigh* people.

  5. Anon - Thanks!

    Dave - Alright, somebody has to email me more info on Darryl. He sounds like quite the charmer.

    Anon II - I'm flattered that you think I'm too young to know about Ann Landers. But, alas, I am not.

    Frankie - If you'd spend more time reading my blog, you'd see that I know quite a bit about Christianity. But thanks for stopping by!

  6. "fighting back against atheism"???
    What are they doing, forcing people to believe in their vision of God?
    Now I remember why I have a beef with organized religion. Well, ONE of the reasons.
    Oh, and Babs, when I left Fwig's party where I met "Darryl", The Squeeze and I weren't able to come to a conclusion if he was, in fact, mentally disabled or just plain weird and obnoxious. Right down to his taking along some beer for the road. Add to that the whole 'one eye looking at you, one eye looking for you' thing, and I just couldn't decide where to look when he was talking.

  7. Dave - I now need a picture of Darryl. Fwig- where the hell are you? I need a Darryl photo.

  8. Hey gang! I'm still without internet at home so my visits are few and brief - whenever I can steal a moment at work...

    Great answers, Babs! I'll print a copy but I won't read it to him until I'm ready to go looking for a new job...

    He doesn't drive on account of his eyes not cooperating with each other. Of course he insists he could drive if he wanted to and furthermore he knows how to cheat his way through the eye exam.

    The real point is this -- he's full of shit. I'm confident he's never had sex - at least not with a conscious adult member of the human species.

    A photo? I'll see what I can do.

  9. Oh...had I know about his eye problem I probably would have had a different answer. How the hell does someone think they can cheat on an eye exam?