Dear Babs for Fwig

Here is a special Dear Babs question submitted by Fwig. This is his lead-in to the question, "I have an item for your next advice-column posting if you wish to tackle it. While the quote is not precise - I assure you that the attitude and content of the following message is 100% authentic. For anonymity's sake let us call the individual - Darryl Patricia."

Dear Babs,

While a lot of people look at my appearance - the shape of my head in particular, and observe my behavior and assume that I am both physically and mentally handicapped, I do not subscribe to that theory. I think people are just jealous because I am such a cool dude and I have my very own condo (that I will one day pay my parents back for) and because I'm closely related to the company president.

Here's the problem that my coworkers have declined to give me advice regarding: While I can not legally drive, I still like to walk to one of the local bars and have some drinks and pick up hot chicks to take home for sex. The problem is - after we slap on the cream and do the dirty, I just want the chick to go away so that I can go back to the bar for more drinks.How do I drop the hint that they should leave?

Thanks,
Darryl Patricia

Dear Darryl,

First off, I have to say that you sound like such an adorable little asshat. Really. I could just pinch your cheeks. By the way, that was NOT a come-on. I do NOT want to fuck you. I'm also sure that you are indeed a really cool dude, and I know this because you're conceited enough to tell everyone that you are. Conceited prick + misshapen head = totally cool. Now that's some simple math that even you can figure out.

Before I tell you how you can kick those hottie bitches to the curb, I'm going to give you a vocabulary word for the day: Nepotism. Grab a dictionary and look it up, okay? It's how you got your job. I also want to know why is it you can't legally drive? I'm guessing you lost your license because you were behind the wheel while you were a wee bit tipsy. Now, I know you weren't really that drunk. That cop was just busting your nuts because you were way better looking than him, and had him beat all to hell in the big dick department.

But on to your little dilemma. So...you like to pick up the chicks in a bar, slap 'em the schlong and then send 'em packing? I can't blame you for that. Everyone knows that's the only thing we hos are good for. I do have a few tips for how you can hoist that fine piece of ass out the door faster than an oiled-up co-ed on a slip 'n slide. Now, if you were any ordinary guy, I'd tell you to try the following:

1. Ask her to smell your boxers and see if they really do smell like three-day old tacos.
2. Pick your nose and ask her to eat your "nose nuggets".
3. Offer to show her your collection of human kidneys, dead skin or egg carton full of nipples.
4. Explain to her the fine art of necrophilia.
5. Insist that she call you, "Master Vlad the Vagina Viking"
6. Turn on Blue's Clues and start masturbating while saying, "That's right, Blue. I've got your big bone right here."

But, since you're an ostentatious, pompous son of a whore, I think the best way to get that ho out the do' is to just be yourself. Show that dirty, little slut what a total fuckwit you are, and you'll be bellying up to the bar before you know it.

Happy Copulating, Jerk-off!
Babs