February 8, 2007

Dem Dastardly Demons

Don't say I didn't warn you. What I'm about to tell you is dark. It is frightening. It will shake your very foundation. It will shake your tailfeather. It may even cause you to poop your pants.

Today, I happened upon Demon Buster. Whoever owns this website knows their demons. Knows them like I know ...well crap...I don't know anything. But trust me. This person is so intimate with the demonic forces, they are daffy for demons. Dr. Daffy taught me that demons are everywhere. Oh, sweet mother of god! What's that over your left shoulder? Ha! Made you look. But there probably really is a whole passel of demons watching you. The little shits are everywhere. I already said that didn't I? You know why I'm repeating myself? Because the demons are everywhere and they're messing with my head.

Courtesy of Dr. Daffy, here is a short list of things that can invite these hellish bastards into your life: Candles, incense, dolls, stuffed animals, dream catchers, images of: owls, frogs, unicorns, dolphins, dragons; items from countries like Africa, China and Japan, American Indian artifacts, paisley pattern on anything, pictures of movie stars, The Book of Mormon, sundials, flamingos, clovers, stars, wishbones, lucky coins, mystic medals, horseshoes, rock and roll records or tapes (I guess CDs are okay), anything with a fleur-de-lis on it, pierced ears, trolls, various and assorted witchcraft objects, birth stones, playing cards and crosses.

Listen to me people! If you have any of these things in your house, get them the fuck outta there now. I just did and my house may be completely devoid of any decor, but it's also 100% demon-free. And it's really easy to dust now. However, I do have to say that ridding my house of my pierced ears was rather awkward. Does anyone know how long it takes the bleeding to stop after you've severed an ear?

By the way, are any of you suffering from depression? You wanna know why? It's because you got a bad case of the demon virus. Having trouble with your electronic equipment? It's that crazy demon duo, Boyce and Boice. (Dr. D's nicknames for them) Toddler having difficulty with potty training? Diaper demons!. Diabetic? Not just demons, but squid-like demons that are attacking your pancreas. You have a squid demon on your pancreas for fuck's sake. Why aren't you panicking?

But before you get into a big ol' demon funk, there's good news!

If you wish to be exorcised from demons, you can pop in over at Logos Christian Fellowship and fill out their "Exorcism Application". And the exorcism is free as long as you pay for it. At least I think that's what they mean. They state, "Counseling is free, but donations are expected". Which I'm pretty sure translates as: If you don't fork over some cash after we're through, we will shove that demon so far up your god-forsaken ass you'll be breathing fire and brimstone. Praise the Lord and have a blessed day."

Take Care,
The Bablatrice - who has a little demon inside her. His name is Spanky.

11 comments:

  1. The demon site's a hoot. Demons galore! But why's he open it with an ad for shockingly inexpensive real estate followed by a parenthetical reference to a movie famous for butt-fucking? Oh, and I like how you said "Dems" in your post title cause the demon man, he say, "In the Bible, God used a donkey to talk and give a message." So Dems are Biblical! I knowed it!

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  2. LOL! Excellent. I think he may be Demen-ted

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  3. Freaking hilarious! I love all this insane people whose blogs you find because it makes me feel oh so normal!!!

    I'm glad Tibetan prayer flags aren't on that list. Because I'd be in real trouble.

    My bathroom is a haven of demons since I decorated it in frogs.

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  4. Carla7:50 PM

    HEY, the demon inside me is named Sparky! Do you think they might be twins?
    With all the tubes and all on the internets, I'm fairly certain there are demons here too. shhh Did you hear that?

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  5. Don - I'm not sure why he has his real estate listed, but I know why it's so cheap. It's because it's in central Mississippi.

    Simon - I have to agree.

    Kathleen - Oh, I'm sure if you asked Dr. Daffy, he'd nix your prayer flags.

    Carla - Not only did I hear it, I felt it!

    I'm positive that our inner demons have to be twins.

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  6. Lots of fringy folk out there!
    What blog template are you using, if I may askk?

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  7. Luciluna - It's minima ochre with a few changes.

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  8. Items from the Country of Africa are specially demonical. How else whould you explain that that particular country isn't in any list? Deamosn erased it so that exorcists don't know where the hordes are comming from, that's why!

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  9. Auugggh. Th dmon in my computr kps holding down th "lttr aftr d" ky. (Or mayb it's just stuck bcaus of all those crumbs from my panut-buttr-stuffd prtzls, but that xplanation maks no sns.)

    In any case, you can't spll havn -- or vn hll, for that mattr -- without it.

    Plas Jsus, xorcis this dmon and giv m back my "". I promis to bliv in you. I know you and your frinds ar full of hot air, lord. I just pray that som of it's cannd.

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  10. I think yo're okay, exterminator. I think the letter 'e' was on the naughty list so you're actually ahead of the game.

    Speaking of the list -- I'm screwed. I got a lot of shit to lose. is this really demon-riddance or Feng shui?

    xyblogf? wow. I think the aliens are trying to use some kind of algebra-internet slang amalgamation in their efforts to communicate. Keep at it Gazoo. I'm listening!

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  11. Guerreiro - Those demons are some clever little bastards.

    Exterminator - I'm going to have to go with the pb pretzels on your "e" key dilmena. However, if your "j" key quits working, that is definitely demons.

    Fwig - It's Jesus feng shui.

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