Don't say I didn't warn you. What I'm about to tell you is dark. It is frightening. It will shake your very foundation. It will shake your tailfeather. It may even cause you to poop your pants.
Today, I happened upon Demon Buster. Whoever owns this website knows their demons. Knows them like I know ...well crap...I don't know anything. But trust me. This person is so intimate with the demonic forces, they are daffy for demons. Dr. Daffy taught me that demons are everywhere. Oh, sweet mother of god! What's that over your left shoulder? Ha! Made you look. But there probably really is a whole passel of demons watching you. The little shits are everywhere. I already said that didn't I? You know why I'm repeating myself? Because the demons are everywhere and they're messing with my head.
Courtesy of Dr. Daffy, here is a short list of things that can invite these hellish bastards into your life: Candles, incense, dolls, stuffed animals, dream catchers, images of: owls, frogs, unicorns, dolphins, dragons; items from countries like Africa, China and Japan, American Indian artifacts, paisley pattern on anything, pictures of movie stars, The Book of Mormon, sundials, flamingos, clovers, stars, wishbones, lucky coins, mystic medals, horseshoes, rock and roll records or tapes (I guess CDs are okay), anything with a fleur-de-lis on it, pierced ears, trolls, various and assorted witchcraft objects, birth stones, playing cards and crosses.
Listen to me people! If you have any of these things in your house, get them the fuck outta there now. I just did and my house may be completely devoid of any decor, but it's also 100% demon-free. And it's really easy to dust now. However, I do have to say that ridding my house of my pierced ears was rather awkward. Does anyone know how long it takes the bleeding to stop after you've severed an ear?
By the way, are any of you suffering from depression? You wanna know why? It's because you got a bad case of the demon virus. Having trouble with your electronic equipment? It's that crazy demon duo, Boyce and Boice. (Dr. D's nicknames for them) Toddler having difficulty with potty training? Diaper demons!. Diabetic? Not just demons, but squid-like demons that are attacking your pancreas. You have a squid demon on your pancreas for fuck's sake. Why aren't you panicking?
But before you get into a big ol' demon funk, there's good news!
If you wish to be exorcised from demons, you can pop in over at Logos Christian Fellowship and fill out their "Exorcism Application". And the exorcism is free as long as you pay for it. At least I think that's what they mean. They state, "Counseling is free, but donations are expected". Which I'm pretty sure translates as: If you don't fork over some cash after we're through, we will shove that demon so far up your god-forsaken ass you'll be breathing fire and brimstone. Praise the Lord and have a blessed day."
The Bablatrice - who has a little demon inside her. His name is Spanky.