November 28, 2007

Funny Money Bunny

Total Moron? You Can Bank on it!

Alexander Smith, you almost leave me at a loss for words. But never fear, Alex, I can find words. Oh, how I can find the words. Here's a little note for you:
Dear Alex,

I'll bet you're wishing that I would have told you before now that there's no such thing as a one million dollar bill. How was I supposed to know you were going to be dumb enough to try and open a bank account with one? I thought that when you bought the cigarettes with a stolen check you were only mildly stupid and were possibly having severe nicotine cravings, but a one million dollar bill? And you tried to use it at a bank? I'm starting to think that you might possibly be just a tad obtuse. I'm sorry, you're from Georgia. Let me rephrase. Well, butter my butt 'n call me biscuit, I do believe you're dumber'n a toad sittin' on a bullfrog. I honestly have no idea what any of that means, but best of luck with those forgery charges and have fun in jail!

Very Distant Hugs,
That Wascally Wabbit

I wish I could have seen the looks on the faces of a couple of Austrian purse snatchers who discovered nothing but a dead rabbit in the purse they'd just filched.

I'm so not making this up.

Hilda Morgenstein and her daughter were catching a train to the countryside so they could bury their recently deceased bunny out amongst the edelweiss. As a means of transporting the eternally sleeping lagomorph, Hilda had stuck it in her purse. I have no idea why anyone would put a dead rabbit in their purse, but whatever blows your skirt up. The two thievin' bastards made their move and were off with the purse and the dead rabbit faster than, well, two rabbits goin' at it like rabbits. But that Hilda is one quick thinker. Rather than telling her daughter the truth and explaining that the two men were total fuckwits and they'd just made off with her dead rabbit, she opted to go with the less traumatic story and told her that the men were angels and they were taking her bunny to a better place.

I'll bet the kid's not buyin' it.

And now I have this strange urge to write a song called Dead Bunny in a Hand-Me-Down Handbag.

Take Care,


  1. Well, Babs, I hate to weveal the twuth, but the dead bunny story is a recycling of an urban legend about a dead cat in a package -- which goes back to at least 1938. That's a long time for a bunny, dead or alive, to be stuffed in a purse.

    See, I'm skeptical about what I read even here, at my most trusted news source.

  2. Please don't tell me you write country music! I can't stand country music. Say it ain't so, Babs!

  3. Ex - Oh my ever doubting friend, here are some other links for you to peruse.
    Link 1

    Link 2

    Link 3

    Link 4

    Have fun reading the last one. Bwahahaha!

    The only similarity between this story and the cat in the package story is that it's a dead animal in some type of container. But here are a few of the differences.

    1.) Nobody dies in this story, except for the bunny

    2.)There is no dead cat placed upon a gurney that the dead person is laying on.

    3.) It's a cat, not a bunny.

    4.) It's a purse, not a package.

    5.) It's the truth, dammit. I swear on all things holy that it's the truth.

    6.) Isn't it funny that I just swore on something holy.

    7.) I still haven't forgiven you for making me watch the Barney video.

    Chaplain- Should I ever write a country song it would only be to make fun of country music. I detest country music. Abhor it. I don't like it very much, either.

  4. Babs:

    There's nothing like getting pop-ups in German.

    By the way, I can't stand country music, either. I never could figure out why the lyricists think people want to hear singers spell.

    I'd have to say it's close between which makes me gag more: a guy moanin' an' groanin' 'bout how he lost his wife and job after drinkin' all night and drivin' cross country with a hard-hearted woman who threw him over as soon as they got to Tucson, or a singing dinosaur puppet.

  5. Ex - I've never had the pleasure of a German pop-up. Scottish, yes. Swedish, yes. Venezuelan, yes. But no German.

    The lyricists want to try and make us believe that the singers aren't as dumb as we know they really are. They can spell! They're fucking geniuses!!

    I just had a horrible thought. What if Barney sang a country song. How truly awful would that be?

    Great, now I know I won't be able to sleep tonight.

  6. Sarge7:41 AM

    A few weeks ago here in central pencil yuckey we had some clown come into a bank with the intention of robbing it.

    He announced that he had planted explosives somewhere in the bank and demanded all the money. People uttered whoops and shreiks and stampeded out of the place (employees included) leaving him alone in the bank he'd supposedly mined. He took off, too, and got no money.

  7. I simply adore stupid criminal stories. They are just the bestest ever. A million dollar bill...dear God, and people wonder why they need to pay attention in school.

  8. Babs, Chaplain, and Exterminator:


    Granted, the new crossover pop country sucks, but Willie Nelson? Waylon Jennings? Hank?

    Now I love jazz, classical, and opera, but you gotta love Hank, man!

  9. Alexander is smarter than me, I don't even know how many zero's there are for a million. but I do know to leave a dead bunny where it lies.

  10. Sarge - Oh god, I wish I could see a video of this. I can only imagine the look on his face when everyone was stampeding past him.

    Kat - I adore them, too. They make me happier than I probably should be.

    Lifeguard- I must confess that I do love some of the old country music. I adore Willie, but I don't think of him as country. He's just Willie.

    Carla - I'm so relieved to know I won't ever find a dead rabbit in your purse.

  11. OK, I can't come up with a verse, but here's the chorus, John Mellencamp singing with some rockabilly twangy guitars in the background:

    It was a
    Dead bunny in a hand-me-down
    Lost mah money in a deal with some Dirtbag.
    Tol' my honey, and she called me a Scumbag.
    It ain' funny to get hit with a
    B-U-N-N-I-E (uhhh)
    in a handbag.

  12. Ex - That's brilliant! I can definitely put this to music. Unfortunately, I can't for the life of me sound even remotely country when I sing. Of course, I could go over the top with it. I'll have to try it and see.

  13. Damn. The first link has expired. I really need to make it a point to visit you more than once a month. But Jeebus - life has been nut-crazy lately.

    I'm thinking the wabbitsnatchers may have really been angels.

    Either way - can't wait to hear the song. I hope you use the word akpwcblw in it. A lot.