November 25, 2007

Donkey Balls (I couldn't think of anything else to title this one)

What do you get when you put together a former pastor, Satanic abductions, drinking, a double life, electroshock therapy and truth serum? You get a fucking great story, that's what. The kind of story that makes me want to be a journalist, but I know I will never be able fulfill this dream, because I use the word fuck too much. And what newspaper wants a potty-mouthed reporter?

Now for the story, and oh brother is it a doozy.

In 1975 Don LaRose was the pastor of a church in Maine, NY and it was there he began getting threatening letters from Satanists. Who knew Satanists were even literate? Things escalated and Don was kidnapped by these letter-writing whores of Hell. Why would Satanists abduct Don? Because he was blaspheming the name of Satan, and they obviously do not dig someone talking shit about the dark lord. The Satanists pulled Don into a van, performed electroshock therapy on him, erased his memory and gave him a new identification complete with papers. Electroshock therapy in a van? Those crazy Satan people will do just about anything. But, I think it's super swell that they gave him new ID papers. It just goes to show that even those who have decided to be cheerleaders for the devil can still be thoughtful, and it makes me want to hug them for their kindness.
Don then found himself in Chicago only he wasn't Don anymore. He was Bruce Williams and he was a drunk. A slobbering, filthy drunk. Three months later someone recognized him as Don LaRose, and Don was dragged back to his wife, all the while claiming that he had no memory of his former life. That had to be pretty convenient. But alas, Don was given truth serum, and the session was videotaped. After watching the tapes, he miraculously regained his memory and over the next four years, he became the pastor of a church in Hammond, Indiana and knocked up his wife twice.

Then in 1980, the Satanists found Don again. They're tenacious lil buggers, huh? They sent more threatening letters, made menacing phone calls. Hell, those Satan-worshiping bastards even ransacked Don's study at his church. Then he received a phone call stating that if he didn't turn himself over to "them", his wife and kids would suffer a painful death. So, Don did what any other normal coward would do. He slung on a backpack, hopped on his bicycle and got the heck outta town. He left town on a bicycle. Oh, how that makes me laugh.

After touring the country for awhile, Don changed his name to Ken Williams, settled in Centerton, Arkansas, worked at a radio station, became the Mayor, and remarried. By the way, Centerton is only 20 minutes away from me. It's so exciting!

This past week, his secret identity was discovered due to the fact that Don's a dumbass. In May of this year, Don-Ken started a website about Don LaRose and it was registered under the name of Ken Williams. Way to go, Don-Ken. Using your new, fake name to register a website about your old, real name. Fucking brilliant, I say! One of his LaRose family members found the website because they were wondering just where the heck Don-Ken had been for the past 27 years and well, they found him. They sure did, and I'm betting there's not going to be any happy reunion with cake or balloons or anything.

Now Don-Ken is claiming that it wasn't really Satanists that kidnapped him. Just some other "group". The Satanists angle was a malicious fabrication of the media. But, a local reporter contacted one the deacons at Don-Ken's former church in Indiana and this deacon stated, The night before he disappeared, he was speaking to a group in the church, and in the middle of his sermon he stopped talking and looked at the back of the room, No one else who turned around saw anything, but LaRose later claimed he had seen one of the Satanists through a window outside.

Dear god, this is giving me a headache. Don-Ken, do everyone a favor and be a decent human being for once in your life. Tell the truth, because your story is just a big ol' mess of stupid, topped with a dollop of dumb. You hated your life in NY, so you bailed. Then, you hated your life in Indiana, so you bailed. Arkansas has obviously agreed with you, which to me is just completely fucked up in itself. You abandoned wife #1 and your two daughters, and it wasn't because of anything other than the fact that you wanted out. And anyone who hops on board your stupid train and believes your lies should be exiled to Montana*.

If anyone else wants to get a headache, you can check out the following websites:

Don LaRose
Ken Williams Ministries
News Report

Take Care,
*To any of you who live in Montana, I sincerely apologize for wishing dumb people to be sent to your state, but you guys have a lot of room, okay?


  1. My guess is that LaRose/Williams misinterpreted who his abductors were. They must have been atheists, not Satanists. We're the ones who use electroshock therapy and truth serum. Satanists use broom-shaped cattle prods and magic spells.

  2. Tsk-tsk-tsk. I can only shake my head in wonder. So many questions, so few answers. Shit, I can't even promise to pray for Don-Ken anymore. Not that prayer ever did any good, but at least I would have felt like I was supporting a suffering brother in Christ. As an atheist, my only available alternative to useless praying is useless headshaking.

  3. Ex - I'll be in Don-Ken's mind we're one in the same.

    Chaplain - i know. I'm hoping for a few follow-ups on this story. I'd love to know how wife #1 is reacting to the news.

  4. I've driven through Hammond, IN and it's completely understandable why he'd leave. My friends who lived there also got the hell out, although they did not abandon hearth, home, wife, kids to do it.

    I adore stupid people/criminal stories, just for the record.

  5. I couldn't decide if this was pathetic or funny, so I'm going with pathetically funny. What a bunch of lying freaks, and WE'RE the odd ones, yeah right.