November 30, 2007

The Pope and Oral

The Great White Pope

Pope "Emperor Palpatine" Benedict released an encyclical today talking trash about atheism.

His Most Groovy Popeness said that atheism was responsible for some of the "greatest forms of cruelty and violations of justice".

After laughing hysterically for a few minutes, the only response I could come up with to the Popeadilly's encyclical is this: Dude, you're really scary looking. Really. Scary. Ease up on the eye makeup, for chrissake. You also look as though you just slugged back a bucket of the communion wine. And, I really want to put a propeller on your little hat thingy.

There. That's better, isn't it? It makes you seem so fun-loving. Now you look as though you could be somebody's uncle. Their scary, crossdressing, drunk but fun-loving uncle.

One more thing, Pope B,
whining about atheism only makes me think that atheists scare the holy poop right outta you. 'Cause you know down deep in your little pope heart, that we're right and you're not.

The Devil God Made Him Do it.

Just like his daddy, Oral, the capital-G god talks to Richard Roberts. God told Dick on Thanksgiving that he really needed to step down as President of Oral Roberts University. I'll bet god pretended the Thanksgiving turkey was a ventriloquists' dummy and he talked to Dick by throwing his voice out the turkey's ass.

Dick also said that his particular brand of god told him that if he stepped down as president of Oral Roberts University, his g-o-d was gonna
"do something supernatural for the university".

Suhweet! I hope it's going to be some of that Old Testament supernatural stuff, because that shit rocks harder than a Yanni concert. Maybe it will rain burning sulphur, and Dick's wife will turn into a salt lick as she takes one final farewell glance at good ol' ORU. A plague of locusts would also be a nice touch. But I'll bet the students are gonna be plenty pissed if they wake up one morning and find themselves covered in huge boils and open sores.

I can't wait to see what happens!

Take Care,

Edited because I'm a moron sometimes, and think people's names are Robert, but they're really Richard. Which makes for a much better nickname, anyway.


  1. Anonymous7:56 PM

    That encyclical makes for some pretty good comedy. When I read this bit:

    ""A world marked by so much injustice, innocent suffering and cynicism of power cannot be the work of a good God,"

    I had a fleeting hope that maybe His Holiness had finally figured it out. He said the words. He just doesn't seem to understand what he said. So sad. So fucking sad (I put the fucking word in for you, thought you might appreciate it).

    With regard to ORU, I can't wait to see how this plays out. Can you believe that some really nice guy will bail them out as long as they can satisfy some trifling stipulations? Whaddya think: is he just a really sweet, generous guy, or is he a rich opportunist who smells an opportunity to grab himself some power? Surely it's not the latter!

    And we mustn't forget that 3 of their 8 board members are under federal investigation for various crimes and nefarious deeds. To be honest, what I've read about them so far is lame compared to Lindsay Roberts' exploits. What a wicked lady!

    Mario Puzo couldn't make up shit like this! Truth beats fiction every time.

  2. I think the only supernatural thing that god can do to help ORU is shrink it down and put it in a German woman's purse.

    Speaking of a German woman: The pope obviously just had a brain fart. He said "atheism" when he meant to say "Christianity." That's what happens when the propellor on your yarmulke spins out of control.

    Tell the truth. You de-converted because you were just dying to type "fuck" whenever you felt like it, right?

  3. Anonymous9:16 PM

    Oh fuck! The Exterminator nailed me dead to the fucking wall! Now I'm really fucked! My deconversion had ab-so-fucking-lute-ly nothing to do with whether religion makes any fucking sense. I just wanted to be able to say and write fuck without feeling fucking guilty or having to go to the fucking altar to beg for forgiveness every fucking Sunday morning. Oh fuck - the game's up already, and I was just getting started. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

  4. chappy:
    I think you left out a "fuck" there somewhere.

    It looks like you and I are going to have some pretty serious competiton at the Big Atheosphere Cuss-Off coming up. Now I am gonna have to practice.

    Speaking of the Big Atheosphere Cuss-Off: Benny just had to have some American spokesperson adding to the distortions, right?
    "The pope's concern is that you have secularizing forces that are trying to eliminate religion from public and private life," said Monsignor Robert Wister, professor of church history at Seton Hall University in the United States.

    This is the very same Monsignor Wister who explained why his poopness will not be visiting Boston on his trip to the U.S. in April: Boston was the epicenter of the abuse crisis. No matter where he goes, it will be brought up. If he goes to Boston, it would become the focus of the whole trip.

    In other words: We wouldn't want the Catholic public to spend time thinking about the thousands of child-rape cases perpetrated by priests when we can rile them up with some unsupported claims against atheists.

  5. Babs:
    "Ease up on the eye makeup, for chrissake." If you put it in those terms-- that he do it for the sake of Christ-- he might listen to you!

  6. Anonymous2:22 PM

    BTW, The name of Oral's progeny is Richard Roberts. Does he goes by Robby anyway? Like Robby Roy or Ricky Joe or Ricky Rob? Inquiring blasphemers, with and without minds, want to know!

  7. Chaplain - I thought the same thing when I read the pope's funny little letter. As far as ORU goes, I'm not surprised about what's going on. I just think it's quite humorous.

    I also think you can out fuck me.

    Well, that didn't sound right, did it?

    And yeah, his name is Richard. DAMMIT, I can't believe I missed that. I'm going back and editing.

    Ex - I think a little shrunken ORU would make a great stocking stuffer. Just in case you were stuck on gift ideas.

    I think the pope could have picked oh, at least a few thousand other subjects for his encyclical. You know, something that really fucking mattered. Something that would do the world some good.

    Lifeguard - I just can't ever imagine the pope listening to me, but it would be kinda cool to have him under my power. Oh, the things I could do.

  8. Babs:

    I can ONLY IMAGINE what you would have in store for him. Now that I think of it, that might make a nice post:

    "What I Would Do If I Controlled the Pope"

  9. Years ago I called the 800 number for the Jim and Tammy Faye show to ask them to get off the air it was so fake it was making me sick. Can you believe they hung up on me and didn't try to convert me? This was shortly before their demise, do you think I had anything to do with it? I think I was doing the Lords will.

  10. I saw the headline for the latest papel encyclical and just shook my head.

    Not all Catholics are insane, just for the record. ;-)

    Did Mr. Roberts get asked to step down because of something he did that was bad and wrong?? I remember reading something but didn't take notes.

  11. And I'll take you all on in a swearing contest. I'm known for my truck driver mouth.

  12. Lifeguard - I can think of so much fun if I had the Pope remote control in my hand.

    Carla - I always wondered who I should thank for their downfall. Praise the Lord, Sister. Keep up the good work.

    Kat - The scandal at ORU is that Dick and his wife, Dickette, were spending the university's money on things like home remodeling, fancy cars and clothes. Dickette is also accused of sending thousands of text messages from a university phone to underage males.

    And I know not all Catholics are insane. Of course, you may be the only sane one I know, but that counts for a whole helluva lot in my book.

  13. I'm the type of Catholic the Pope hates (which is okay, since he's the type of Pope I hate - I damn near cried when they announced they had a pope because I knew that making a choice that quick it had to be him) - a cafeteria style Catholic where I pick and choose the parts of Catholicism I like. And these days, it's mostly the individual people at my church and my very own cute as a button, damn near 80-year-old liberal-minded Jesuit priest.

  14. Mark Morford had a bit in his column today on the Pope's latest BS. I thought you would enjoy it.

    "All these thoughts swirl and dance when suddenly I read that the pope, perhaps the most dangerous, out-of-touch world figure in all of organized religion's dour pantheon, has declared that atheists — atheists! — are responsible for some of "the greatest forms of cruelty" in history. I laugh out loud. It is a wonder that lightning did not strike him dead on the spot.

    Pascal: "Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction." Twain: "Man is kind enough when he is not excited by religion." Tom Robbins: "A sense of humor, properly developed, is superior to any religion so far devised." Salud, gentlemen."

  15. What a fucking scum bag. How does religion survive despite the psychopaths that champion it? What an absolute fucking disgrace.

    Thank god (or lack thereof) I finished my breakfast before reading this cnswip.