November 19, 2007

Say Uncle! Now Say Daddy!

Who's ready for another church scandal? Me, too! This one involves an 80 y/o man, the Georgia Bureau of Investigations and a camel.

I'm just kidding about the camel part. But that would make for a juicy scandal, huh? Anyway, Earl Paulk (the 80 y/o) is the head hauncho at the Cathedral of the Holy Spirit at Chapel Hill Harvester Church. Well, sweet Jesus on a paper plate, could they have a longer name for their church?

The story is that back when Earl wasn't 80 years old, he had much friskiness in his most holy groin and he found his brother's wife to be very, very enticing. So enticing that Earl, being the godly man that he is, bedded his brother's wife and his sacred seed produced a strapping baby boy named D.E. Probably short for something like I dunno- Douglas EARL, or maybe Donald EARL, or even Dabney EARL.

Anywho, D.E. is now 34 years old and via a court-ordered paternity test, he just learned the wonderful news that his uncle is really his dad. He has an Uncle Daddy. Isn't that cute?

And even though D.E. said he was disappointed and surprised, lemme tell you, he has got this shit under control. Here's an absolutely brilliant gem of a statement he made about the mess, "It was a necessary evil to bring us back to a God-consciousness." Well, sure. Fucking your brother's wife is always a necessary evil. What would the family reunions be like without that going on?

And to make this story even better, Earl fucked a camel!

No. I'm still joking about the camel. But, Earl is being sued by Mona Brewer, a former church employee, who claims that Earl told her that the only way she could receive salvation was by boinking him. From 1989 to 2003. Fourteen years of boinking Earl just so she could get to heaven. Right on, Mona. We totally believe you.

There have also been other women who claim they had been coerced into sex with Earl, his brother and other men in the church's administration.

I think they should rename their church Cathedral of a Lot of Fucking at Chapel Hill and What the Hell Let's Fuck Some More.

Take Care,


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Like I said ... you're merely the funniest blogger in the Atheosphere.

    You left out a few words in the church's name: Cathedral of a Lot of Fucking at Chapel Hill and What the Hell Let's Fuck Some More .. of the Nativity.

    And people could call it the COAL OF ACH for short. Gotta get that final guttural real phlegmy, though, if you want to be authentic.

    "I'm bringin' my Jell-O Velveeta surprise to the COAL OF ACH prayer orgy on Saturday night. What're you bringin', Mary Lou?"

  3. what exterminator said about the funny. i could get my juicy news elsewhere but it's so much more entertaining here.

  4. Anonymous12:02 AM

    what a bunch of fucking motherfuckers. Errrr sisterfuckers. errr Holy Pancakers!

  5. Well... the good news for D.E. is - he's still RELATED to the guy he always thought was daddy!

    I knew my life was missing something... A ministry and a kid brother.

  6. I must say, your account is much livelier than the official press release. I've only recently de-converted so I may sound like the pot calling the kettle black here, but seriously: did these women really believe they had to fuck Earl to get to Heaven? I have no idea what Earl looked like 40 years ago, but I have to ask: could Heaven possibly be worth fucking, repeatedly, some hypocritical moron? It could be the case that these women are the stupidest human beings on the planet. Or maybe they were just horny. I dunno, waddya think?

  7. I'm still trying to figure out what the bloody hell D.E. meant by that statement. How on earth does Earl fucking his brother's wife bring us back to "a God-consciousness?" My head hurts. I'm thinking they're all going to Hell.

  8. It's not the joke, but the telling that makes it special. I'd love to hear your rendition of the Aristocrats, although this church sounds like they may have the makings for the skit.

    On another note, you've been tagged with a meme. I don't know what I look forward to more, the memory or how it'll be told.

  9. I've been calling them fucking churches for the past several years now, but I though I was using an adjective not a verb.

  10. Ex - You're too kind. I love COAL OF ACH. In fact, I've been saying it all day. Out loud.

    TMT - Aw, thanks. That's so sweet.

    Claudia - They are a bunch of pancaking sons of pancakes.

    John - A ministry should be no trouble getting considering the other goobs that get one. Not that you're a good, just that those with...oh hell, you know what I mean. And, you can adopt a kid brother.

    Evie - I think the women got busted having an affair with Earl the Fucker, so they just made some excuse to blame him for it. They're all guilty. Guilty, I say!

    Kat - It's not anything that sane people can figure out. Seriously, it's just way messed up.

    Philly - Thanks! I love being tagged, amongst other things. I'm going out of town for a couple of days, but I promise my first post when I get back will be my tag.

    Carla - See? That just proves how very wise you are. Of course, I've known it all along.