March 4, 2007

It's Playtime with Jesus!

Who wants a Jesus puppet? I know I do. In fact, I'll take a Jesus, Mary, Noah AND Peter. You can get them at Beuhlah Enterprises. Don't they all look so abnormally happy? And just look at Mama Mary being all risque and showing us a little ankle.

If puppets are too sissy for you, you can jump on over to Train up a Child, and grab hold of some Bible action figures. They're 6" tall, except for Goliath - he's huge. He's gotta be at least 63 feet or something. Each figure retails for $6.95. That's only a little over a dollar an inch. The best part is, if you don't hang with the notion that Jesus was a white boy, then you can get your action figures in "dark skin". That's right! You can opt for "dark skin" or "light skin". It's just like choosing which part of the chicken you want! .

Speaking of thighs and breasts, for those of you who want a more adult Christian toy, then head on over to My Beloved's Garden. It's a website for Christian sex toys. But, just so you won't waste time looking - there isn't one single Jesus dildo. They do, however, have a hands-free vibrator, which will allow you to read the bible while you're know...being vibrated.

Also, if you browse the lingerie, try not to be put off that the scantily clad models have had their cleavage and belly buttons blurred out. Belly buttons are a no-no at My Beloved's Garden, but the Anal Invader® is a big yes, yes oh yes. I'm not so sure about the name of that product. I think they could have come up with something a little less "conquer and destroy" sounding.

Finally, if you're finding church a little boring, you should buy the remote-controlled vibrating panties. Now that'll make her shout hallelujah and amen!

Take Care,


  1. Anonymous1:05 PM

    Sooo...guess what? What is the FIRST link I clicked?

    Yep, the Christian sex toy site was a "Hubbawha?!" moment. And interesting, the phone number listed on the site puts it in my neck of the woods. Who knew?

    I live around the corner from another sex toy shop and when I went in(one time, just to see) I found it to be very clean and ...I dunno, eclectic. There was a punk rocker chick working there and a granny working there.

    But no Jesus dills eighther... maybe you are on to something, you may make some money!

  2. Flummy:

    Would a talking Jesus dildo say "Forgive them, Father," over and over? Or would it just keep repeating, "Oh, Dad! Oh, Dad!"

  3. Ohh honey, don't you know that you get your Jesus/Buddha/nun/Devil Dildos from, and your Baby Jesus Buttplug from Divine Interventions?

    Other Holier Than Thou sex shops abound. Check out Book 22, based on the Book of Solomon. Be sure to check out their "sex information pages.

  4. There's a strange and unexpected logic to it all. They really appear to be serving a market and keeping their integrity. Unbelievable. Next up: The hilal cock ring!

  5. That whole Christian sex website makes me feel strangely unsanitary. Isn't the Jesus dildo in the shape of a cross?

  6. I'm positive the Christian sex shop would be blocked at work, so I'll have to check that out once I get home. I'm agog with curiousity.

  7. Crazy - I know. I was highly disappointed that this sex shop wasn't any different than any other sex shop. Except for the missing belly buttons.

    Ex - Tee hee. A talking dildo. That's just really funny to me.

    Sharna - Oh sweet mother of god. I am so happy you gave me these links. I used them to prove to Thomas that there were people out there more sacreligious than I am. Thank you!

    Don - It is strange. Very, very strange. And after the hilal cock ring, the Shiva nipple clamps. Ouch!

    Carla - It makes me feel unsanitary, too. Like I need to take multiple showers with battery acid just to get it off of me. There is indeed a crucifix dildo.

    Kathleen - I hope you weren't as disappointed as I was. No scripture etched playthings are to be found.

  8. Did you check out this page? That led me to this! Wow, those Christians are possibly not the prudes they make themselves out to be - well, of course, this is only for MARRIED COUPLES!