March 27, 2007

Fruity Balls

Excuse Me, Your Scrotum is Clanging.

Driving home tonight I found myself behind a truck that had a cowbell hanging from the back of it. My first thought was, "Well, I guess it's better than the balls that some people hang from their trailer hitch. I just don't understand why anyone would want a nut sac hanging on their truck. Is it supposed to make us think that the guy inside the truck has huge balls, too? Who came up with the idea anyway? Probably someone who didn't feel that his meat 'n veggies measured up."

Then I noticed that the guy had his cowbell padlocked to his truck. Isn't it just adorable how he thinks his cowbell is so precious he has to padlock to his truck so no one will steal it?

He also had the biggest exhaust pipe I've ever seen. If you know what I mean. No really, the exhaust pipe on his truck was at least 6" across. Which I'm sure is the reason he felt the need speed up as fast as he could before he had to stop in another 25 feet.

Anyhooha - here's the picture, embellished for your viewing pleasure.

Church Sign O' the Week

"The fruit is usually on the branch."

Oh, church sign guy! I thought I loved you before, but now I am hopelessly devoted to you. My heart might be sayin', "fool forget him", but my heart is saying, "don't let go".

So, why am I so enamored with you now, church sign guy? Because you're talking in code and I love code-speak. I've always loved it. When I was a kid I would make up codes all the time and leave encrypted messages around knowing that someone would find them and I'd imagine them all frustrated trying fervently to figure out what the heck I ekil selppa was supposed to mean. I was just so terribly clever, no? Then, in high school Ready Hudson and I made up our very own private code language, and didn't that just make us the two coolest people in the whole wide world?

Well, not really. I mean his nickname was Ready for Christ's sake. Well, it was just Ready. Pronounced Reedy not Ready. His nickname wasn't "Ready for Christ's Sake", because that would make for a really stupid nickname. Sweet Jesus, am I making any sense? He was nicknamed Ready because he was always walking around reading a book. So, you said it like Reedy, but spelled it like Ready. I seriously doubt he did it for the sake of JC or any other man-god.

Anyway, church sign guy - I'm going to play along with your little code game.

"The squished fruit is usually under foot."

And one more just because I'm such a code whore...

"Roscoe ate the Pygmy."

Let me know if you figure them out, okay? It'll be our little secret, oh beloved church sign guy.

Take Care,


  1. What the hell does that mean "The fruit is usually on the branch?" I ask since you are the Code Queen, now forever known as.

    Ready for Christ's Sake is a great name! I thought perhaps it was Ready as in Always Ready, now Always Reading. Much more inventive than "Bookworm" which could have been my nickname. That's all I did.

    The cowbell is FABULOUS! I say it's padlocked because the kids in his neighborhood stole the first one as a joke, or because they were essentially making fun of him. If it were on the front I might think he installed it to help save furry animals that might try to cross the street in front of him - kind of like belling the cat.

  2. Sounds like what you're describing is rather like The Man's farm truck - a big ol' diesel dually thing, hence the huge exhaust pipe. We have trained our cattle to come to the sound of the horn honking - maybe his cows come when they hear the bell ringing. Still, it beats one of those weird trailer hitch nutsacs any damn day.

    Gotta go feed the fgdxl.

  3. What the he--? I've never seen a plastic ball sac hanging from a trailer hitch, and I don't exactly live in the city, and if I did it would be San Francisco, so I just don't know what weird sort of male genitalia flaunting country you live in out there, but maybe this explains Bill Clinton just a little bit.

  4. I found a book you might be interested in. It's still only in hardcover, except that I'm a member of the Quality Paperback Book Club and they have it, so if you're interested, I could get it for you and it'd probably be cheaper than this one.

  5. Ya know if I had thought about it when I had my hystorectomy I would have had Dr take out my ovaries so I could hang them on the tow bar of my truck. It must have been the drugs, I just wasn't thinking clearly.

  6. Anonymous8:12 PM

    Made me think "Huh.That guys got balls."

  7. Anonymous8:19 PM

    gee I sent it before I could finish haha...I meant he's got balls for LOCKING the cowbell up.

    I mean he could always go here for a LOT better selection.


  8. ok folks this one is pretty simple, think "redneck" the cowbell was originaly hung from the front bumper to let you know if the rock you are driving over will wreck the axle (usualy a long walk home). the other is because my truck is bigger than your truck and has balls!

  9. Kathleen - It means that it's time to take out the trash. I know it's not very romantic, but code rarely is.

    I read all the time as a kid, too. In fact, I still do. BTW - I just ordered The God Delusion a couple of days ago, but I appreciate your offer. You're just too sweet.

    Sharna - Well, this wasn't a dually. I think this guy couldn't afford the big truck so he was doing everything possible to his truck seem big.

    Don - You have no idea how strange it is. I should probably write more about the local flavor, but it's possible I could get shot if the wrong person read. I think getting shot is probably pretty unpleasant.

    Carla - Oooooohhhh. I love that. And just think how lovely your uterus would have been draped over your rearview mirror.

    Crazy - Darnit - I couldn't get the website to work.

    Roger - Oh I already had "redneck" in mind on both counts.