March 8, 2007

Burn One for Jesus

That Jesus Sho' Gets Around

Jesus is back and that bad boy's burning down houses again. The roof. The roof. The roof is on fire. But no worries about that silly roof, because even though Christine York had her house burn to the ground - she's managed to find miracles in the middle of destruction. I think maybe Christie's just a little abnormally optimistic. The first miracle is that the son-of-you-know-who appeared in a charred section of wallpaper.

Christie, lambchop, are you sure that's Jesus on your wallpaper? Because I think it looks way more like Marilyn Monroe than it does the J-Man. Unless there's some picture of Jesus wearing a fur coat that I've missed out on. Oh, wait a minute. Maybe Jesus just borrowed the coat from Marilyn. I'll bet that's what it is, because we all know that Jesus was a crossdresser. Or maybe in the afterlife you're able to join bodies with someone else. So maybe Jesus and Marilyn are all smooshed together.

But Jesus Monroe showing up in the wallpaper wasn't the only miracle to occur in the conflagration. No way. No how. Jesus also performed another miracle by saving a rosary and a virgin Mary figurine from being totally destroyed in the fire.

See that? Jesus really does save, doesn't he? You know, JC, I think if you were going to save something, you might have started with I dunno...maybe the HOUSE? That'd be a good thing to save, wouldn't it, Jesus? Shouldn't HOUSE beat out rosary? And I know that Mary is your mother, but shouldn't a person's home be more important than a $12.99 likeness of your mama?

Eternally optimistic Christine said that the wallpaper rendering of JC was a sign that "no matter how bad it is I'm going to get through this." So Jesus let her house burn down so he could give her a sign to show her that she's a tough, little cookie who can handle bad stuff happening to her?

Oh dear. I guess I'd better say a little prayer.

Dear Jesus H. Christ,

Babs here. I just wanted to let you know that if you ever feel the need to send me a sign to reassure me that I have the strength to get through shitty - sorry - poopy times, please don't feel as though you need to resort to burning down my house. In fact, I'm saavy enough that a simple note from you will suffice, okay?

Hugs and Kisses and Amen.

PS - Tell your dad that I'm still pissed about the E-Z
Bake oven. He'll know what I mean.

Take Care,
The Bablatrice - who doesn't really do so well with the praying thing.


  1. If i remember correctly from Job, now god will send satan to destroy everything she owns, kill all her family and cattle and servants, make her blind and give her a bad case of leprosy.

  2. Anonymous9:35 AM

    I don't see it...*scratching my head* It looks like a blob of grey to me. Ah well...

  3. How does Jesus love thee?
    Let us count the ways...
    He burneth thy dwelling and most things in it, save a few silly trinkets.

    He allowed thee to speak with much bad grammar and multiple double negatives on television and the internet.

    He gavest thee the resolve NOT to take the $10,000 offer for the grey blob now enshrined in a holy frame from the blessed .99 cent store, in the hopes of a better offer.

    Hmm...maybe we oughta hook her up with Sue. They'd make a helluva team.

  4. You know, personally, I think God and Jesus prefer your types of prayers to the whiny, sucking-up kind. They have a sense of humor in my world. And God doesn't care half as much as my mother when I miss church to spend the night at The Libertarian's house. ;-)

  5. Jesus saves, smart money invests.

  6. ROFLMAO! That's too funny! Marilyn indeed. I thought it was one of the SouthPark characters at first but no, you're bang on with Marilyn. She seems to be wearing way too much lipstick these days but I suppose lipstick is free in heaven. Why not go crazy...

    ehacysk indeed

  7. Guerreiro - I'm impressed with your Job smarts. Yes, she will be vistited by all manner of pestilance, but she will always find a rosary or virgin mama in the midst.

    Crazy - You have to be delusional before you can see it.

    Sharna - You should write your own bible. And I think if Christie and Sue got together they could be like the Wonder Twins. Shape of a cross. Form of holy water.

    Kathleen - Whiny sucking-up prayers. That's funny.

    Carla - Yep. That Jesus just isn't much of a risk taker.

    Fwig - Well, Marilyn was pretty pale when she was alive, it's probably worse now. I'd imagine that the lipstick is overcompensation for her deathly pallor.