March 10, 2007

Weirdness for the Weekend

Georgie Ruins Ruins

President Bush is going to visit some ancient ruins in Guatemala and the Mayan leaders have decided that they're going to have to spiritually cleanse the ruins after George has ruined them with his negative karma cooties.

That was one long sentence, huh?

Mayan, Morales Toj stated, "We will burn incense, place flowers and water in the area where Mr. Bush has walked to clean out the bad energy."

I'd suggest spraying Lysol, too. Just in case. And it probably wouldn't hurt for everyone to take a round of penicillin, too. Oh hell, just napalm the place. That might be the only thing that will completely remove George cooties.

Bed Cooties

Rose M. Pagley-Brown, from Siloam Springs, Arkansas, is claiming that she ended up with a nice case of bed bugs after spending the night at the Stone Inn. She stated that a few days after spending the night at the motel, she woke up and "saw and felt countless bugs on her body and bed".

I'm betting they weren't REALLY countless. She probably just didn't have the patience to count all of them.

Rose proceeded to pick off three of the bugs, put them in a Ziploc bag and gave them to her attorney.

See that, people? Here in Arkansas, we can pay our attorneys with bed bugs.

Rose is suing the motel, and is seeking damages for pain and mental anguish, embarrassment and humiliation, medical bills and expenses.

Unfortunately for Rose, the motel owner has had the Dept. of Health inspect the motel twice and no buggies were found.

I think it's because Rose took them all home with her.

Excuse Me, Sir. Your Toaster is On Fire

Boy genius, Jonathan Zaletel, of Chandler, AZ decided that it would be a good idea to cook meth in his toaster. The toaster, who is smarter than Jon, then decided that it would rather die than be part of such shenanigans and promptly burst into flames.

Jon tried futilely to extinguish the flames with water and then with window cleaner, but the toaster was just too Kamikaze for Jon. Hold the phone. Window cleaner? Of all the things in my kitchen, window cleaner would have to be way down on the "what to use to put out a fire" list.

At wit's end, which isn't far for Jon Jon, he then thought it would be a good idea to pop into Wal-Mart to buy a fire extinguisher. And doesn't it make perfect sense to go shopping while you have a burning small appliance in your condo?

Much to Jon's chagrin, when he returned to his condo as the proud owner of a new extinguisher, he was met by Sheriff's deputies and arrested. It seems Jon didn't realize that a small appliance that is engulfed in flames will set off the sprinkler system which will then bring in the fire department. He also didn't realize that these firefighters will find a meth lab, should you have one tucked away in a closet.

Poor Jon. He could have gone so far in life if it wasn't for the whole total moron thing.

Take Care,


  1. I laughed out loud when I read in the news about the Bush exorcism, serves him right.
    Hey you gotta check out this website. and type in Jesus action figures...precious moments indeed.
    Archie McPhee's is a local store that has the craziest stuff, nope I don't work for them.

  2. Wow. Poor Jon! And Rose. Oh - and George. And Ringo. Wait. There was no Ringo was there? I dunno what I was thinking just now. So are they like - the dumb-ass threesome of the month or something? Hey - maybe you should have an Official Dumb-ass Threesome of the Month. You could send each monthly winner an invitation to come to Arkansas and meet their co-winners at some ceremony. Or is a month too long and three winners too few? I haven't thought this out obviously. I just can't help thinking we're missing some kind of structure. Maybe we need regional playdowns and a national championship - kind of like March Madness but in March - no - not March - a different month - so as to avoid confusion. Okay I obviously should think before I start typing. This isn't going well at all. You obviously have everything under control here. I'll just shut up and go sit in the back. I'm sorry for that. It won't happen again.

    blessed are the aliens. for they shall inherit the tvkaj.

  3. I don't blame them for not wanting to get Bush's Karma bad cooties on them. Geoorgie's ranch is about 90 miles South of here and I feel the need to do some kind of ritualized cleansing after he's been that close to me, too. Usually it involves the purifying and germ killing qualities of a fine tequila, lime and salt though.

    Speaking of meth - an old gas station turned auto repair shop located directly behind the local police station here in Jesusville was busted for having a long-running meth lab in it. It had been there for years but our local Barneys (the entire police force is only 4 or 5 "officers") were so busy hassling kids over niggling infractions (many of them imaginary) and raking in ticket fines for "zero tolerance" in the school zone that takes up about half the town that they hadn't time to bother with the drug manufacturer on their back porch step.

    Why can't we legislate stupidity?

  4. Thank Chac-Mool that they're cleansing that Mayan site. Why on earth would our friggin' dumbass of a President go an ancient site which he's probably never heard of and is so obviously NOT Christian, like himself? (excuse me while I throw up at the thought of him being in the least bit a follower of Jesus H. Christ)

  5. Stupid criminals are my favorite!!! You go, Jon!

  6. Carla - I LOVE Archie McPhee's. There's so much I wanna buy now.

    Fwig - I think I should definitely at least have a dumbass of the month award. I don't think I can do the ceremony, though. It'd mean I'd have to dress up and we can't have that.

    Sharna - Oh my. Jesusville sounds like a wonderful place to live. Dontcha just love small towns?

    If only we could legislate stupidity. The world would be a much happier place.

    Kathleen - I can't figure out why he'd be going either. Especially since he's gotta know they're going to fumigate the place after he's done.