December 11, 2007

Jesus Loves Poly/Cotton Blends

Stuck on what to give to that hard-to-buy for person on your shopping list? Well, I have the perfect solution for you. T-shirts! Nobody can have too many t-shirts, and I've found some extra spiffy ones at When I was perusing all nine pages of their t-shirts, I noticed that the owner of this website had written some rather impressive descriptions underneath the shirts. So, here are the shirts I thought were the ones that Jesus his own self would pick out.

What T-shirt Person said: Take a stand against the drug culture with Christian clothing. This shirt will be sure to cause people to look twice.

What I say: I think it's super groovy that you're encouraging people to die by stoning. I have another idea for your anti-drug shirts. How about, "Get hammered like..." aw crap, I can't think of one person who's been hammered to death.

What t-shirt person said: Join the fight in the war against Christmas with these in your face Christmas shirts.

What I say: Darn tootin', Skippy. Get in there and fight against Christmas. Hold the phone. Is that really what you meant to say? And I don't know that this shirt really qualifies as "in your face". Now maybe if you'd put, I don't celebrate holiday, I celebrate Christmas, so take that and shove it up your turdhole, you godless, hell-bound, douche bag of an atheist, well, I think that's a bit more in your face.

What t-shirt person said: Tired of being pushed around by the homosexual agenda? Speak the truth against the day of silence with these anti-gay t-shirts. Let's not end up like the UK.

What I say
: Oh, those gays and their agenda. I cannot tell you how many times I get stopped on the street by some lesbian who starts humping my leg and then thrusts her "agenda" right in my face. Then I have to go around all day smelling like lesbian agenda, and it's just not very pleasant. God have mercy on our souls if we ever end up like the UK. Every single person over there? Gay. They even have gay babies.

What T-shirt Person said: If you are straight, please come out of the closet against gay marriage. It's part of the slippery slope.

What I say: If you are gay, odds are you would never, ever, ever wear this t-shirt. I'm not sure what slippery slope you're referring to, but it sounds naughty.

What T-shirt Person said: Warning: This Christian shirt is only intended for those whose names are written in the book of life.

What I say: That's right, if you wear this shirt without your name being in the book you will be punished. The Queen of Hearts that's tied up to the carpet tacks on this shirt will come to life, and she will bitch slap you. Hard. Then she'll take the piece of notebook paper and deliver no less than 253 paper cuts to your lying tongue.

Have fun shopping!


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Duh. Get hammered like Jesus.

  3. T-Shirt Guy is even dumber than Church Sign Guy! lol

  4. Anonymous8:13 AM

    In 2 Corinthians 12 Paul writes at length about his "visions" and being "caught up in the third heaven" and stuff. Sounds like he was smoking some pretty powerful stuff. Maybe he really was stoned.

  5. I live in the UK. I'm afraid it's true - we are all gay. Gay as a tree full of monkeys. We're slippery-sloping all day long and "Lesbian Agenda" is the must-have fragrance this holiday season.

  6. I'm not sure what slippery slope you're referring to, but it sounds naughty.

    OK, I was laughing out loud by the time I got down to this sentence. I know these people are for real, but who could take them seriously?

  7. Dear God, they even sell hate...reprehensible people.

  8. Ex - 1.) I was trying to think of someone that was really important in the bible. 2.) I want someone who had been beaten to death by a hammer. 3.) I don't think they used hammers to nail Jesus to the cross. I think they just jumped up and down on the spike thingies.

    Geeky - Hard to believe, isn't it?

    Chaplain - I agree, in fact I'd say that most of the writers of the bible were on something. Of course, it was probably perfectly legal in their day.

    Urban Viking - First I have to say I love your username. I think that "I'm as gay as a tree full of monkeys" would make one hell of a t-shirt. Maybe I should send that in to T-shirt Person. Their website did say they were always looking for new artwork.

    OG - The only people who take them seriously are the XtremeXians. Lookie, I just made up a new word. Anyway, unfortunately, there are a lot of these XtremeXians.

    Kat- Yep. Most of what they sell is hate. It's sad. Very, very sad.

  9. Just for some really bad giggles check out, they have some doozies. Some are even what you might call marginal...

  10. Anonymous11:54 PM

    deluded and ballsy is what I'd think of the schmuck wearing one of those.

  11. I'm ashamed of myself for this tasteless joke, but I can't resist.

    A gift for Christian orphans:
    My parents went to heaven and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

  12. Babs: Thanks :-) I was going to email them to suggest the tree full of monkeys design but got distracted by quote-mining their testimonial page:

    "Fishers of Men--This shirt describes my quest for seeking out lost young men" - Wilson, Illinois

    Was the best I got before my brain melted.

    Ex: Wrong, so very wrong - but hilarious. Definitely worthy of a design suggestion I think.

  13. Brilliant! Love it. (I'll be back right after I finish ordering all of the shirts...)

  14. Actually, my wife plays piano for a mostly gay choir. When she comes home from rehearsals, our dog sniffs her intently, no doubt smelling the gay on her.

  15. Babs, I suppose this is the answer to the annual question "What Would Jesus Buy"?

    The T-shirt of Turin?

  16. Carla - Believe it or not, some of the shirts at t-shirt hell are even too tasteless for me. Who knew?

    Claudia - I would definitely agree.

    Ex - And I am also ashamed for laughing at it.

    Urban - Quite disturbing. Quite.

    Elizabeth - I hope you didn't buy all the shirts. I still have one or two to get as gifts. For people I don't like, you know.

    Philly - I think you're right. Dogs are very astute when it comes to the aroma of gay.

    John - I think Jesus would definitely buy one of these, if they made them extra long. He just had a thing about wearing dresses.