December 26, 2007

Jesus Got Some Mad Skillz

The ever lovely Carla has discovered an amazing website. Eric Dyson is the founder of Fishermen, which is the result of an epiphany. As in a god talking to him epiphany. In secular realms this is known as schizophrenia, but if you're a Christian who hears voices, those silly medical terms don't apply to you. While Eric was in his delusional state he heard god tell him, "I am always with you", but Eric's god didn't stop there. He also sent Eric an image of Jesus on a motorcycle. I am so with Eric on this one. I can't tell you how many times I've received the image of JC on a Harley. I'll just be out driving or shopping or even watching tv and all of a sudden, BAM! Jesus on a motorcycle. But unlike myself, Eric has actually done something with his vision. He designed a figurine of the J-Man on a bike. Have a look-see for yourself.

I think this is so completely wicked awesome. I'll bet that bad boy's got a lot of rev. Wind 'er up, J Dawg. Isn't it cute how the robe flowing out behind him makes him look like he just hatched from a clam shell? Wait. That would make Jesus a bearded clam, and that's just too nasty even for me, so I won't say anything about that. But the golden crown of thorns? Exquisite. And by exquisite I mean, what the fuck? Does Jesus really want to be reminded of how much those thorns hurt? Why don't you just have a spear impaling his side? Which makes me wonder if the handlebars and foot pegs have spikes on them that poke into Jesus' piercings so he won't fall off the bike.

Eric then decided that since Motorcycle Jesus was so darn dandy, he went on to design...

Falling Off the Side of a Cliff Jesus. Or maybe it's a poorly designed tree, or maybe that crazy Jesus is try to climb a cross. Either way, I am so digggin' the form-fitting outfit he's sporting. By the way, Jesus, is that a carabiner in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

How about War and Peace Jesus? Poor Jesus is all befuddled. He's not sure whether he wants to go kick some ass Rambo style, attend a death metal concert, or bring peace and goodwill to the world. I say do all three. After all, you're Jesus. You can totally pull it off. I think by the look on his face, the dove just made a little doodie in Jesus' hand. And it has to hurt like hell when he puts the combat helmet on over the crown of thorns. I'm just not sure Eric really thinks through his designs with Jesus' comfort in mind.

If cowboys make you shout, "Yeehaw!", then Yeehaw Jesus is perfect for you. I simply adore Jesus in chaps. The way they accentuate his very ample belt buckle is such a turn-on. But the shirt is a definite turn-off. Like way, way off. It just doesn't have enough sparkle to keep up with the crown.

Who can resist Homeless Jesus? I know I can't. But I'm not sure how much sympathy Jesus is going to garner from people while he's got that big ol' crown made of GOLD on his head. Sell that puppy on eBay, Jesus. You'll have all kinds of rappers and hoochie mamas bidding on that fine piece o' bling. Then you'll have oodles of money and you'll be able to buy a hand-painted, wooden sign, or even a custom-designed neon sign. Now that for sure would get you a food-paying job.

And finally, we have Shark Bait Jesus. The J-Man is ridin' the tube, but see how he's holding the wave back with his hand? That's cheating, Jesus. Just because you have magical powers and can hold back water with your hand, doesn't mean you should. Besides, you can already walk on water, surfing shouldn't be any kind of challenge for you, so let go of the board already and stand up like real surfer. I just don't think the other surfers aren't going to want to hang with you, brah.

Take Care,



  1. These look like scenes from a new Jesus action movie. A Flumadiddle Production perhaps? Hmmmmmmm?

  2. Anonymous8:47 PM

    Well, I'll be...I didn't realize that Jesus had gotten so hip in the past 2,000 years! If he would just lose the goofy crown and robe, he could give GI Joe a run for the money. GI Joe is so last century.

    And give the Big J-Guy a break about the surfing thing. Inside scoop: he started surfing last summer but had to take time off during the football season. He's been really busy lately playing backup quarterback to Tom Brady (now you know why the Patriots are having such a great season this year). I'll bet he'll be standing tall on that board by next spring - I've heard he's a quick study.

  3. Anonymous10:24 PM


  4. Biker Jesus- Born again to be wild!

  5. Wow... how about Ted Nugent Christ? You know... with a guitar or something?

    Your post reminds me of one of my favorite songs: "Plastic Jesus" as performed by Jello Biafra and Mojo Nixon.

    Maybe that could be the theme song for your Flumadiddle Flick?

  6. That is hysterical. Thanks for the pics!

  7. Those are fucking awesome! I wonder if he needs any more ideas? Perhaps we should send in some.

  8. I can't believe there's no NASCAR Jesus.

  9. This Jesus is a con-artist. He can afford a Harley, taking surfing vacations, and an eclectic wardrobe (the gold crown was already mentioned), then begs for food? What a mooch.

    I would say that being from Israel, he should be more a Formula 1 Jesus than NASCAR, but like they point out in American Gods, they're not the same guy.

  10. Just goes to show you once again that people will buy anything. I wonder how long it will be until they're stocked on the shelves down at your local WalMarts...gaah.

  11. Anonymous12:37 AM

    Babs, have a Happy New Year!

  12. Dear God in Heaven...

  13. Just checking you've seen the latest adventures of Jesus' Mama.

  14. Anonymous6:22 PM

    Babs, great news! I'm tagging you for the blogroll meme. Come over to the chapel to check it out.

  15. Fwig - Oh my. I'll have to think about it and see what I can come up with.

    Chap - Oh yeah, everyone's all about the Jesus.

    Carla - Thanks so much for leading me to the site. It's um...well..unbelievable.

    Lifeguard - Excellent song choice, and I promise if I get around to making the movie I will definitely use that song.

    Enonomi - You're more than welcome.

    Philly - I think dude does need some help. Well, obviously, but I think we could come up with some awesome Jesus ideas for him. In fact, I think I might have to email him and see if he'll do a Gay Pride Jesus.

    Ex - Oh shit, I can't either. There has to be one somewhere. I must do a search now.

    Shedevil - I figure it will be sooner than not. It's amazing what some people will buy.

    Claudia - Well, thanks. I know I'm late, but Happy New Year to you!

    Kat - Does that mean you absolutely have to have one? I mean, I'd buy you one if you want.

    Heather - Thank you. I hadn't seen this one. What a bunch of freaks.

    Chap - Great news! I love being tagged. I hated it in elementary school, but now I loves me some tagging. Thanks, I'll be right over.

  16. I couldn't possibly choose just one...they were all so fabulous...or're a dear to offer, but I couldn't ask such a thing of you. Although if you got your name on some sort of Christian mailing list, you could get some prime blog fodder....

  17. Kat - A Christian mailing list is a brilliant idea! You think of the best things. Thank you!!!

  18. Frank1:43 AM

    You've got it all wrong....Jesus Saves Souls