Jesus Got Some Mad Skillz

The ever lovely Carla has discovered an amazing website. Eric Dyson is the founder of Fishermen, which is the result of an epiphany. As in a god talking to him epiphany. In secular realms this is known as schizophrenia, but if you're a Christian who hears voices, those silly medical terms don't apply to you. While Eric was in his delusional state he heard god tell him, "I am always with you", but Eric's god didn't stop there. He also sent Eric an image of Jesus on a motorcycle. I am so with Eric on this one. I can't tell you how many times I've received the image of JC on a Harley. I'll just be out driving or shopping or even watching tv and all of a sudden, BAM! Jesus on a motorcycle. But unlike myself, Eric has actually done something with his vision. He designed a figurine of the J-Man on a bike. Have a look-see for yourself.

I think this is so completely wicked awesome. I'll bet that bad boy's got a lot of rev. Wind 'er up, J Dawg. Isn't it cute how the robe flowing out behind him makes him look like he just hatched from a clam shell? Wait. That would make Jesus a bearded clam, and that's just too nasty even for me, so I won't say anything about that. But the golden crown of thorns? Exquisite. And by exquisite I mean, what the fuck? Does Jesus really want to be reminded of how much those thorns hurt? Why don't you just have a spear impaling his side? Which makes me wonder if the handlebars and foot pegs have spikes on them that poke into Jesus' piercings so he won't fall off the bike.

Eric then decided that since Motorcycle Jesus was so darn dandy, he went on to design...



Falling Off the Side of a Cliff Jesus. Or maybe it's a poorly designed tree, or maybe that crazy Jesus is try to climb a cross. Either way, I am so digggin' the form-fitting outfit he's sporting. By the way, Jesus, is that a carabiner in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

How about War and Peace Jesus? Poor Jesus is all befuddled. He's not sure whether he wants to go kick some ass Rambo style, attend a death metal concert, or bring peace and goodwill to the world. I say do all three. After all, you're Jesus. You can totally pull it off. I think by the look on his face, the dove just made a little doodie in Jesus' hand. And it has to hurt like hell when he puts the combat helmet on over the crown of thorns. I'm just not sure Eric really thinks through his designs with Jesus' comfort in mind.

If cowboys make you shout, "Yeehaw!", then Yeehaw Jesus is perfect for you. I simply adore Jesus in chaps. The way they accentuate his very ample belt buckle is such a turn-on. But the shirt is a definite turn-off. Like way, way off. It just doesn't have enough sparkle to keep up with the crown.

Who can resist Homeless Jesus? I know I can't. But I'm not sure how much sympathy Jesus is going to garner from people while he's got that big ol' crown made of GOLD on his head. Sell that puppy on eBay, Jesus. You'll have all kinds of rappers and hoochie mamas bidding on that fine piece o' bling. Then you'll have oodles of money and you'll be able to buy a hand-painted, wooden sign, or even a custom-designed neon sign. Now that for sure would get you a food-paying job.

And finally, we have Shark Bait Jesus. The J-Man is ridin' the tube, but see how he's holding the wave back with his hand? That's cheating, Jesus. Just because you have magical powers and can hold back water with your hand, doesn't mean you should. Besides, you can already walk on water, surfing shouldn't be any kind of challenge for you, so let go of the board already and stand up like real surfer. I just don't think the other surfers aren't going to want to hang with you, brah.


Take Care,
Babs

Happy Holidays!

I decided to steal from last year's Christmas post to make this video. Just think, next year I might advance to live actors or something.

I sincerely wish each of your a very merry December 25th. In whatever way you celebrate it, I hope you are surrounded by love.

And now for what might possibly be the most disjointed video ever.




Take Care,
Babs

Pigs and the Number Seven

The Baby Jesus says "Oink Oink"

The oh, so lovely Carla sent me a link to a story about a Baby Jesus theft, but this one is just freaky. Vandals in Eugene, Oregon took two Baby Jesi from nativity scenes and left two severed pig heads in their place. Pig heads? This story leaves me asking so many questions.

• Where did these people get the heads? Did they buy them at the Pork Head Emporium or did they cut them off the pigs themselves?
  
• Were the pig heads pickled? I mean, a lot of other pig parts are pickled, so I'm thinking maybe some people enjoy the entire head pickled.
  
• Why a pig's head? Are they saying that the Baby Jesus is a pig, or that Christianity as a religion is a pig?
  
• Where are the pigs' bodies?
  

That last question holds the answer as to who the vandals are. Just look for the family having a luau for Christmas.

I've Been Tagged

The Lifeguard has tagged me with a meme that dictates that I must state seven unknown or unusual facts about myself. Okay, you asked for it.

1. I have to sleep with a fan on. Doesn't matter the season, I have to have the noise.
   
2. I won an award in Kindergarten for bible verse memorization. It just went downhill from there.
   
3. I like the middle brownie. If I do get stuck with one of the outside brownies, I'll cut off the crusty part.
   
4. When I was little, I thought that clouds came from smokestacks. When I learned how clouds are really formed, I was extremely disappointed.
   
5. I can write my name with both hands simultaneously in mirror image. I'm sure one day that will help me escape from a life-threatening situation.
   
6. I collect wooden boxes and old flower frogs.
   
7. I created a shrine in my living room to honor a fake, dead crow. His name is Clarence.
   

Keeping in the spirit of Christmas, I am tagging Santa Claus, an elf - any elf will do, and the Grinch.

Take Care,
Babs

An Even Bigger Update

I know you'll find this hard to believe considering what the count was yesterday, but I swear to Baby Jesus it's the truth.

Courtesy of someone in Santa Clarita going on a Baby J stealing spree and committing twelve acts of Lordnapping, plus a few other random thieves making off with a Jesus or two, we are now up to...



I think that anyone who would dare to snatch any Baby Jesus from his cozy nest of straw is a degenerate who is going straight to h-e-double hockey sticks, but I was inspired by their deviltry. These miscreants have spurred me to create something beautiful from the ashes of their dastardly deeds. I'd like to share with you my vision of the Baby Jesusmobile.



I personally think the Baby Jesusmobile just totally spanked the Popemobile.

Take Care,
Babs

Thievery Update

We are now up to....


If I've calculated correctly, that should cover one side of the Baby Jesusmobile.

I Think I'm About to UpHuck My Dinner

Who thinks Mikey's slimy? I do! I do! How come every time I see him, I regress to 3rd grade and start chanting "Mikey and Jesus sitting in a tree. K-i-s-s-i-n-g."? Oh, that's right. It's because I'm immature, and Huckabee has a big, huge crush on Jesus.

Speaking of delusional, (just pretend I was, okay?) Catholic League president Bill Donahue does not approve of Mikey's choice of advertisements. No sireebob. In fact, he accused Mikey of inserting subliminal messages into the ad. Bill says that he is especially disturbed by the white cross image that is made by light reflecting on the bookshelves behind Mikey's ginormous head. Sure Bill, and you see those three "ornaments" on the shelf? Well, they're really the three wise men, and they're mooning you.

Even though I'm not going to go as far as Bill the Delusional did when critiquing this ad, there are a few issues I have with it.

1. It made me feel really, really icky greasy.

2. I just dig the way Mikey starts off with how everyone must be tired of political commercials and then proceeds with his political commercial. But we're not supposed to figure out that the guy wanting to make it to the White House is trying to trick us with his non-political, political commercial. They don't call you the Huckster for nothin', you sneaky bastard.

3. The multi-colored lights on the tree.

4. The number of times dude blinks. I counted 37 - 41 blinks, but it was hard to count because I didn't want to blink for fear that I'd miss one of his blinks and watching him blink made me want to blink and then my eyes would start watering and I'd try watching with one eye and I'd end up blinking anyway. But, 37 - 41 blinks in 31 seconds is just not normal. If making a commercial stresses him out this much, how the hell does he expect to make it as President? And now I'm very conscious of my blinking. Curse you and your eyelids, Huckabee.

7. Oh yeah, that part about what really matters is the celebration of the birth of Christ. It just sounded so cold and unfeeling. No drama at all. He should have went with something like, "and what really matters is the celebration of the birth of the baby Jesus who popped forth from the womb of a virgin so chaste she didn't even know that boys had different parts than girls "down there". This precious, innocent, extra-virgin baby then grew up and was nailed to a cross, much like the big white one behind my head, to save degenerates like you. I urge you filthy, whoring sinners to accept the Baby Jesus into your heart. If you don't, you'll be burning in Hell for all eternity, and eternity is like infinity plus one thousand million squared." And then he should have giggled and taken a big swig of Jack straight from the bottle.

8. And the last is, "I'm Mike Huckabee and I approved this message." I'm glad you cleared that up, Mikey, 'cause I was worried that it wasn't really you doing the talking. I thought maybe some ventriloquist had their hand up your ass or something.

Take Care.
Babs -who did not approve this message at all. Not even a little bit.

How Lovely Are Thy Branches

The Christmas tree we had when I was growing up was so bad that I'm not sure there are words to describe it. If you had to pin a style to it, I'd say it was very white trashesque with a healthy dollop of cheap whore. This tree was artificial and enormous. It might possibly have been the largest fake tree ever made in the history of all mankind. Not that I'm really up on the history of artificial trees, I'm just guessing.

The tree was at its best when it was naked, but like the good Christians we were nothing could be naked in our house. Oh no, we had to toss ugly things at this tree, and turn it into The Mother of Fucking Ugly Christmas Trees, or MoFUCT. We had boxes of ugliness just waiting for this moment. The first box of ugly held multi-colored lights, and since we were obviously indecisive about whether or not we even wanted lights on the tree, we put in that one special bulb that made them flash on and off. I can remember sitting in front of this huge blinking tree completely mesmerized by the lights. I think that's the reason some of my brain synapses fail to fire on occasion. I was short-circuited by multi-colored, flashing Christmas tree lights.

Opening the second box of ugly required doing so in the dark so you wouldn't blind yourself, because it held roughly 600 feet of very shiny silver and gold tinsel garland. It was so shiny that whoever opened the box had flash burns on their face for weeks afterwards. On a side note, as much as I hate the look of tinsel garland, I totally dig how it smells, and every time I see it in a store I smell it. After I make sure no one is looking. That's weird, isn't it? And probably something I shouldn't share with everyone, but oh well.

After the tinsel garlands came the many construction paper garlands that I'd made in school. Then, in the fifth grade I was visited by the yarn fairy and she blessed me with the gift of being able to knit on my fingers. I used my newly found magical powers and some multi-colored yarn to make yet another lovely garland for this tree. After all the lights and garlands were on, MoFuct weighed approximately 687 pounds. We had to tether it to cleats on the floor, for fear it would fall on one of us and we would have to suffer the embarrassment of being crushed to death by tacky.

And the final boxes of ugly housed the ornaments. They were bad. The ornaments not the boxes. In fact, we should have just put the boxes on the tree. The ornaments were so bad, that not by any stretch of the imagination could you even describe them as quirky. Here are a few of the more memorable ones:

The bell my brother had made out of a section of a cardboard egg carton. He painted the top half blue and the bottom half was gold. And to make it go way past the point of groovy, he used a paper clip for the hook.

The turkey wishbone that my sister glued tiny gold stars to. As in a bone from a turkey. We had an animal bone on our tree, people! I think we should have just gone all out with the "Hey, we're meat eaters theme" and used a cow skull as a tree topper.

The smiley face thing I made at Kaleidoscope. The face was made of red velveteen paper, and I used melted crayons to make the eyes and mouth. But I couldn't stop there. The aroma of melted crayons obviously made me delusional, because I thought it would be simply smashing if I dabbed yellow and green spots all over the face. Zits? Measles? Chickenpox? I dunno. I was 8 and a Baptist, okay?

The snowflakes and angels I'd made out of styrofoam meat trays. Mmmm. More meat-themed ornaments. Nothing says Christmas like carnivorous decor.

But my favorite ornament was the plastic, glitter-covered nativity scene that had a hole in the back so you could stick one of the lights through it and bathe the baby Jesus in green, red, yellow, or blue light. I always liked the green Baby Jesus best. It made him look like an alien. My very own, green, glowing, alien Baby Jesus.

I'd like to say that decorating the tree at our house was a magical time with carols being played in the background, a fire crackling in the fireplace and everyone's hands wrapped around heavy mugs of hot chocolate while the spirit of Christmas settled on our house, bathing it in a heavenly glow. But my pants would so be on fire, because that would be a big, fat lie. Our decorating time was mostly us kids making fun of the ornaments and each other, shuffling our socked feet across our avocado green, shag carpeting so we could shock ourselves when we touched the tinsel garland, and pretending that there was real rum in the eggnog and we were all drunk and that's why MoFUCT looked like Elvis had decorated it in one of his less lucid moments.

Good times, kids. Good times.

Take Care,
Babs the Tinsel Sniffer

Jesus Loves Poly/Cotton Blends

Stuck on what to give to that hard-to-buy for person on your shopping list? Well, I have the perfect solution for you. T-shirts! Nobody can have too many t-shirts, and I've found some extra spiffy ones at christianshirts.net. When I was perusing all nine pages of their t-shirts, I noticed that the owner of this website had written some rather impressive descriptions underneath the shirts. So, here are the shirts I thought were the ones that Jesus his own self would pick out.

What T-shirt Person said: Take a stand against the drug culture with Christian clothing. This shirt will be sure to cause people to look twice.

What I say: I think it's super groovy that you're encouraging people to die by stoning. I have another idea for your anti-drug shirts. How about, "Get hammered like..." aw crap, I can't think of one person who's been hammered to death.

What t-shirt person said: Join the fight in the war against Christmas with these in your face Christmas shirts.

What I say: Darn tootin', Skippy. Get in there and fight against Christmas. Hold the phone. Is that really what you meant to say? And I don't know that this shirt really qualifies as "in your face". Now maybe if you'd put, I don't celebrate holiday, I celebrate Christmas, so take that and shove it up your turdhole, you godless, hell-bound, douche bag of an atheist, well, I think that's a bit more in your face.

What t-shirt person said: Tired of being pushed around by the homosexual agenda? Speak the truth against the day of silence with these anti-gay t-shirts. Let's not end up like the UK.

What I say: Oh, those gays and their agenda. I cannot tell you how many times I get stopped on the street by some lesbian who starts humping my leg and then thrusts her "agenda" right in my face. Then I have to go around all day smelling like lesbian agenda, and it's just not very pleasant. God have mercy on our souls if we ever end up like the UK. Every single person over there? Gay. They even have gay babies.

What T-shirt Person said: If you are straight, please come out of the closet against gay marriage. It's part of the slippery slope.

What I say: If you are gay, odds are you would never, ever, ever wear this t-shirt. I'm not sure what slippery slope you're referring to, but it sounds naughty.

What T-shirt Person said: Warning: This Christian shirt is only intended for those whose names are written in the book of life.

What I say: That's right, if you wear this shirt without your name being in the book you will be punished. The Queen of Hearts that's tied up to the carpet tacks on this shirt will come to life, and she will bitch slap you. Hard. Then she'll take the piece of notebook paper and deliver no less than 253 paper cuts to your lying tongue.



Have fun shopping!
Babs

Dueling Deities

I'm blaming this one on The Exterminator. He made me do it. Or at least made me think about it.




Take Care,
Babs the Blasphemer

Desperately Seeking

Once again, strange searches that have lured people into the den of Flumadiddle.

• Jesus beats up Hercules - Good lucky finding that one, buddy. I've seen Jesus fight, and truth be known, he fights like a sissy.
  


• Banana peel on pimple - Well, that's one way to cover a zit, but you're gonna look kinda stupid walking around with a banana peel on your face.
  


• How to make a fake peg leg - 1. Cut off one of your legs. 2. Cut down a tree. 3. Cut off a branch- one that's roughly leg-sized. 4. Whittle. A lot. 5. Attach newly whittled appendage with screws, nails, or really big staples. I guess you can use duct tape, if you're just going to be a weenie about the whole thing. 6. Plant a new tree to replace the other one you cut down just so you could fulfill your infantile, little pirate fantasy. 7.Enjoy!


• Peeing Babs - Well, not at the moment, but thanks for checking.


• How nutritious is human poop- Well, it's highly nutritious. It's full of vitamins, and nutrients and corn. But, from what I hear, and this may or may not be factual, but I've heard it doesn't taste very good. In fact, I've heard it tastes like poop.
  


• How to properly hold hands with a guy info for girls - This one can be tricky. First you have to find the guy you want to hold hands with. Then, you have to tackle him. Aim for the back of his knees. Grapple. Grapple more. C'mon, quite fighting like Jesus. When you have him in a headlock, grab one of his hands and hold it. At this point, if you've done everything correctly, the boy will look at you with misty eyes and Leo Sayer will appear out of nowhere wearing a skin tight, baby blue polyester suit and start singing When I Need You. If Leo doesn't make a showing, something went horribly wrong and you've just beat up a boy for no good reason. Way to go, you big bully.
  


• Gay preacher joke - Ted Haggard. (Thank you to whoever searched for this, because it has allowed me to use another outdated reference to Teddy the Obviously Gay Evangelical.)
  


• Code Whore - Douche Bag


• Jesus eats bananas - He sure does, because they happen to be his favorite food in the entire universe. He also uses them to cover up his zits.
  


• Crazy Clown vs.Jesus - Why is Jesus fighting so much lately? Maybe it's banana overload. Can too much potassium turn you into a raging lunatic? I think it's more likely that someone has pissed him off, and that's why JC has resorted to physical violence. Whoever you are, cut it out. Jesus is supposed to be busy showing himself in trees and x-rays and other such nonsense. Let him do his job, asshat.

Take Care,
Babs

That Jesus Sho' Gets Around

Reynaldo Farinas of Homestead, FL has accidentally inhaled Jesus. Well, not all of Jesus. I mean, that would take some pretty powerful lung action. Reynaldo only inhaled Jesus' head, and I'm only assuming it was accidental. I dunno. Maybe he meant to suck the head of Jesus into his lungs.

Why is this sounding dirtier than I'm intending?

I have no idea what Reynaldo did with Jesus' body. Maybe he's got it locked up somewhere safe so he can use it for communion on Sunday.

Anyhooha, Reynaldo went to his doctor complaining of chest pain, the doctor ordered an x-ray and voila! We have this:



Well, for fuck's sake, Reynaldo. No wonder you were having a bit of pain in your chest cavity. Look at all the crap you have in your lungs.

1.) The head of the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man.

2.) A glow worm.

3.) A My Little Pony head.

4.) The head of Jesus, complete with either flowing hair or a ninja hood with jagged edges. It doesn't really matter which it is, because JC looks totally bitchin' with either. [Side note] A Ninja Jesus doll would be pretty cool, huh?

5.) This one worries me a bit, Reynaldo, because you've somehow managed to aspirate an entire city block of streetlights. For the love of little green monkeys, man, just what kind of super powers do you have?

Here's my recommendation for your lung issues: Wear a surgical mask from now on. Even a bandana over your face would help. You do realize that your lungs can only hold so much debris at one time, don't you? I also think it would be beneficial for you to at least try and hack up Stay-Puff man and the glow worm.

The pony head and Jesus head should definitely stay. It's rather poetic. Like some kind of biblical, children's version of The Godfather.

And as far as the streetlights go - you're pretty much f-u-k-t. But just think of how wicked cool it will be to show your buddies how you can shoot light out of your man nipples.

Take Care,
Babs

Counting is Fun

It's the most wonderful time of the year; at least that's what the song wants us to believe. But, I'm here to talk about the darker side of Christmas. The evil that only makes itself known in December. No, I'm not talking about all the bad songs we have to endure. I'll save those for another post. I'm talking about evil so squalid it reeks of the armpits of a thousand demons. Evil so maniacal, so ruthless it makes Satan run away screaming like a little girl.

In the dark of the night, when the frosty air has left its breath across the fields, and children are tucked quietly under tufted quilts, the horror begins. That's when Baby Jesuses in nativity scenes all over the world are being ripped from their little, hallowed nests of hay. The reports of lordnappings have already began to trickle in, so I thought somebody should keep track of them. Then I thought that somebody should be me. I feel it's my duty. So, every time I read a news report of a pilfered Baby J from a nativity scene, I'll post my counter. So far I've read about...




I obviously have an over abundance of free time.

Take Care,
Babs

Who's That Bearded Man in the Dress?