Thou Shalt Not

I received a comment on one of my posts challenging me to examine myself using the 10 Commandments as a checklist. And, as much as I deplore the phrase "let me challenge you", I'm going to take him up on his offer.

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. I doth not believe in any gods, so I cannot be breaking this commandment. But, the nameplate on my desk at work reads, "The Goddess". I'm really not sure how this fits in.
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image. I hath never madest an idol. Unless you count that one time I licked a push-up pop into the shape of a penis. But, I did NOT worship the orange sherbet penis.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. I hath no lord nor doth I have a god to take their names in vain. What about "fuck", though? 'Cause I say fuck a lot and not always in reference to the act of coitus.
4. Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy. I doth remember the Sabbath, because that is the day I doth not have to work. I'm not sure about the holy part. Does doing my husband count if he screams "hallelujah" during the act, and says "amen" afterwards?
5. Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee. I doth not keep this commandment, as my parents sucketh oxen member. I guess my days are numbered.
6. Thou shalt not kill. I hath not killed any person. However, I show no mercy to bugs in my house. And, when I was little I used to bowl with rolly pollies. But, I don't think that killed them. I think it probably just made them dizzy or gave them brain damage or something.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. I hath not committed adultery. But, I know how you Christians are sticklers with this one and insist that if you even think about someone sexually, then you have committed adultery in your heart. I admit that I think about Johnny Depp sexually. I don't think about having sex with him, though - I just want to watch him pleasure himself. Repeatedly. Is this adultery? And is it really in my heart? 'Cause I'm thinking it's a little farther south.
8. Thou shalt not steal. I hath stolen and am sorely afraid. I used to take quarters from my father's dresser so I could buy pop at school. But, only because I had a severe addiction to carbonation.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. I hath broken this commandment. I was 8 and called my neighbor, Ann, "white trash" and she really wasn't. I also punched her in the nose, but she deserved that.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's. I hath coveted my neighbor's ass. I've also coveted my neighbor's manservant. She called him her pool boy, but manservant - pool boy. Same thing in my book.

So, how'd I do? I realize that I used a lot of sexual references in this post, but that's only because I'm an unrepentant sinner who is extra-lustful today.

Take Care,

The Bablatrice - Who receiveth much pleasure in breaking the rules.