Holy Chocolate Foreskins, Batman!

Phone Etiquette

This is the kind of kinky conversations my husband and I have.

Me: Hi, Mister
Thomas: Hi, Sweetie. I can't hear you very well.
Me: Hello?
Thomas: Hello?
Me: Hang on. Is that better?
Thomas: No. I still can barely hear you.
Me: How about now?
Thomas: No.
Me: Just a minute...How about now?
Thomas: That's better. What'd you do?
Me: I had to clean the chocolate out of the mouthpiece on my phone.

The Bible Exotica

In this week's Northwest Arkansas Business Journal there's an article about a local man who publishes exotic King James Bibles. We'll call him Duane, because that's his name. Duane uses various animal skins for the covers of these Bibles: elephant, ostrich, lamb, alligator and other such vermin - hence the adjective "exotic".

The ostrich Bible will set you back a mere $325 and only comes in one color. I'm assuming it's the color of an ostrich. The alligator Bible is $1700. Seventeen hundred bucks for a book you can steal from any Motel 6 nightstand drawer? Duane also states that he can get other hides should a customer want one. And, then adds, "'Course a lot of people wouldn't want to put snake skin on the Word of God." Oh, Duane, stop it. You're killing me. You are quite the funnyman. Seriously, dude. You totally rock in the humor department.

I seem to remember a story in the Bible about David harvesting the foreskins of 200 Philistines as payment for Saul's daughter. That's what I want my Bible to be covered in. 200 little shriveled circlets of Philistine foreskins. How 'bout it, D?

Church Sign O' the Week

"Christ is the perfect Christmas present."

Well, that's a huge relief isn't it? We no longer have to wonder what to give those hard-to-buy-for people. Think about it. If you give JC as a gift you don't have to worry about him being the wrong size. The son of god is one size fits all. He'd be handy to have at parties, too, should you run out of wine. And, since he can multiply food at will, your grocery bill would plummet. Frisbee stuck on the roof? No worries. Jesus can just do that totally whack ascension trick of his and you'll have your Frisbee back lickety-split. That add-on to the house you've been longing for is no longer a problem, either. Christ the Carpenter has got yo' ass covered. Have a touch of the flu? Jesus H. Christ laughs at your flu. I mean he raised a man from the dead, for god's sake. I don't think he's gonna blink an eye at a few measly aches and pains.

I only have a few questions about this whole Jesus as a gift thing. One, should you be the recipient of Jesus, can you re-gift him? And, if you're giving him as a gift do you wrap him? Put him in a gift bag? Play it austere and only tie a bow around his neck, or do you go with my husband's suggestion that it's probably more appropriate to just hang him from the tree?

Take Care,

The Bablatrice - who puts the heat in heathenism.