You wanna know why I haven't posted in over a week? Of course you do. For the past week, I've only been able to type with my left hand. Wanna know why I've only been able to type with my left hand? Of course you do. I burned my right hand. Let me rephrase that. I burned flesh off of all four fingers on my right hand. And, I had to let the doctor cut off one of the blisters. With scissors. Do you know what scissors cutting through human skin sounds like? It's so not pleasant. And when she got to the edges where there was still viable, living flesh it was rather uncomfortable.
Which translates as: It fuckin' hurt.
I learned that if you should find yourself in public with your hand swathed in gauze, you will be asked by everyone who sees it what happened. This asking is purely morbid curiosity. Only one person out of the roughly 964 people who asked about it offered advice on how to ease the pain.
What the advice giver said was: "You should take Aleve for the pain. My son burned his hand really bad and the doctor gave him pain pills, but they're addictive so I made him stop taking them and then he took Aleve. Aleve is what I recommend to all of my burn patients."
What I heard was: "You should take Aleve for the pain. My son burned his hand really bad and the doctor gave him pain pills, and I swiped one. Then I found out what a good buzz I copped from them, so I stole them from my son and made him take Aleve. I don't know why I'm making a reference to "my burn patients" because I'm not a doctor. I'm a cashier at a grocery store, but I pretend that I'm a doctor. A lot."
Yes, I got pain pills and yes I took them. All of them. I'm sorry, but when my fingers are twice their normal size and look as though I could transform into a werewolf at any moment, Aleve just won't cut it.
I'm down to having only my middle finger bandaged, and I'm still getting asked what happened, but now I tell people I got bit by a rhinoceros.
The Bablatrice - who discovered it's tricky to wash her left armpit with her left hand.