December 27, 2006

Oh God Told Noah to Build Him and Arky Arky

There is a pastor in Frostburg, MD that is claiming he had a vision in which god told him to build an ark. And, he's doing it. Only it's not going to float. And, there aren't going to be animals inside. And, the guy's name isn't Noah, it's Richard*.

Oh my. His name is Richard*.

Well, you go, Dick*. You build your arky ark, and may the naysayers be damned to hell and back with western Kansas as a detour. I realize that you started building your ark in 1976 and it's still not anywhere near completed. It may have taken you 30 years to merely have the shell up, but patience is like totally a virtue, dude. Does it really matter if it didn't take Noah 30 years to build his ark? Noah wasn't hindered by modern tools like cranes and power drills and such. So, of course it didn't take him 30 years just to build the shell of his ark.

Who cares that the Empire State Building is way bigger than your proposed ark and only took a little over a year to build? The only reason it was built so quickly is because those heathens worked on the Sabbath. Which means they had Satan helping them with the erection of that very phallic-looking structure of evil.

No, Dicky Boy. You ignore those who would taunt and make fun. They won't be laughing when in another 30 years you actually have the sides of the ark on, will they? They'll feel pretty darn foolish in 60 years when you're dead, but someone else has carried on the task of building your a to the r to the k and the roof is not only on, but on fire. Yeah. On fire for Christ. And, just watch those hell-bound reprobates snicker when sometime in the next century your dream is brought to fruition. They'll be sorry then won't they Big D? Oh yes. They'll be sorry.

Actually, they'll be dead by then, but you know what I mean.

I wish with all of my heart and soul that I could drink an anti-aging potion so I could stay alive long enough to see Dick's Ark come to the fully erect stage. I'm sure it's going to be something just completely magical.

For those of you who wish to help in the re-building of the Ark, here is the link.

Take Care,
The Bablatrice - who wishes she could have grandiose visions of very large arks.
*Please note that I totally adore the names Richard and Dick, and will only poke fun if you're a Dick building an ark.


  1. Dear God,

    Just a piece of advice. This whole 'show me you love me - build me an ark' thing. You want to pick your moments carefully. My former darling made us sausages and brown beans one evening and I was a little let down. So I said 'hey - if you really love me you'll build an ark for me out of these beans and sausages.'

    Let me cut to the chase. We're on Flumadiddle's dime here -- After I washed the beans out of my hair I was told to pack my bags and get out. And that's how things ended for us.

    I guess my darling wasn't moron enough to fall for it but you seem to be picking much better candidates than I. Amen.

  2. What with all these alarms over global warming, he may have success yet so long as he builds it close enough to the shoreline.

    Oh, I just looked at the pics. Man, I'd love nothing more than to go to a church with as much class as a roadside attraction from the 1950s. I am on Route 666, baby!

  3. FWG: I can't imagine why anyone would find fault with an ark made from sausages and beans. I think it would be quite lovely. Especially if you carved the animals out of a nice crusty bread.

    Don: I only hope that they choose 50s kitsch as the church decor. I can imagine that laminate-top tables with chairs upholstered in sparkly red vinyl would be much more comfortable than pews. And, they could set up a souvenir shop with little plastic animals and Noah snowglobes. Only, of course, it would be rain rather than snow.