On the rare occasions I'm not being an NPR whore, I flip around radio stations trying to find something decent to listen to. With all this flipping I've heard a lot of Christmas songs. Unfortunately, most of them suck great, big, greasy, monkey nuts.
And now, I give you:
The Bablatrice's List of Christmas Songs That Should Be Held at Gunpoint Until They Surrender ( in no particular order, but #3 is the most putrid)
1. Santa Looked A Lot Like Daddy by whoever the fuck sings it
This one is a crime against humanity. I seriously want to gouge my eyes out with a spork when I hear this. And, eye-gouging is not an easy task while you're driving.
2. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee
Reminiscent of fingernails on a chalkboard. I, for one, have never ever ever been the recipient of a sentimental feeling from hearing voices singing "let's be jolly, deck the halls with boughs of holly."
3. The Christmas Shoes by um..yeah.
Blech. Blech. Cough. Hack. Kckkkckkkkk. Excuse me, I was just coughing up a great big wad of dreck. The premise of the song is that some kid is buying shoes for his dying mother because "I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight". Who knew J-Dawd had such a shoe fetish?
4. Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer by Elmo and Patsy
Please, please don't make me endure this song ever again. It's like the Macarena of Christmas songs.
5. Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano
Jose is still raking in the bucks from this one. Unfuckingbelievable.
6. Jingle Bell Rock by anyone who sings it
Where is Jingle Bell Square, anyway? I only ask because I want to make sure I never mistakenly end up smack dab in the middle of it, and find myself surrounded by holiday revelers dancing and prancing in the frosty air.
7. Last Christmas by George Michael
Quite possibly the worst lyrics ever placed on paper: "A crowded room, friends with tired eyes. I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice. " Bahahahaha. You cruel, heartless beehotch who gave his love away the day after Christmas. Curse you! Curse you and your frigid soul.
8. Oh Come All Ye Faithful by Twisted Sister
That's not a typo. It's really Twisted Sister, and they have a Christmas album titled "A Twisted Christmas". Catchy, no? I've only heard this one song of their album, but I imagine all of them will have the same effect of making my spleen spasm.
9. Blue Christmas by Elvis
Most. Depressing. Christmas. Song. Ever.
10. The 12 Pains of Christmas by Weird Al
No more parodies of the 12 Days of Christmas. Stop. The original is unbearable enough. No one can make it better. Please, for the love of god, stop.
The Bablatrice, who has ALL of these stuck in her head now.