December 16, 2006

Santa vs. Jesus. Round 1

Baby Jesus MIA

A woman from Eureka Springs, AR ripped off the baby Jesus from a local nativity scene. This particular baby Jesus has been stolen every year since 1998 and this year's thief stated that she was only carrying on tradition. How can you argue with that logic? You can't. Christmas is all about tradition. The best part of the whole story is the Jesus-thief is 70 years old! Get your heist on, Grandma, and please rock on with your bad self.

Dear Editor, I'm Bitter and Bored

The following is a letter to the editor that was in today's Arkansas Democrat Gazette.

Holiday is not innocent. Something for Christians to think about: It’s that time of year. Nowhere in God’s word are we told to celebrate Jesus’ birthday. And he was not born in December; there were shepherds in the field. Most people, including Christians, tell their children that Santa Claus brings them gifts. Everywhere you go you see Santa Clauses. Move letters around in Santa and you have Satan. And all should do a study to see where the “mas” was added to Christ’s name. Then read in the Bible what happens to those who add or take away from the words in the book. The Bible also says to beware that no one shall be despoiling you through philosophy and empty seduction in accord with human tradition in accord with the elements of the world and not in accord with Christ. Many say Xmas is an innocent celebration. Yes, innocent poison. HERBERT PAGE

You heard it, people. Xmas = innocent poison. I think Innocent Poison would be a cool name for a band.

Herbie, you need to find a hobby. Model airplanes? Philately? (It's stamp collecting, H, not something dirty.) Online bingo? Just something to keep your mind off of how deviltry and Christmas go together like peanut butter and jelly, so we don't have to endure anymore of your letters. And did you stop to think that maybe they added "mas" to Christ's name because it means "more" in Spanish. Christ more. More Christ. Can we honestly have too much saviour, Herb?

I do have to say that I totally dig how you used the word "despoiling".

Church Sign O' The Week

"Sermon: Jesus or Santa?"

We get to vote on who we'd rather hear a sermon from? Oh, joy! Let's compare, shall we?

  • They're both imaginary entities. (If you're a child reading this ignore that last sentence, because Santa is definitely real. And, what the hell are your parents doing letting you read this trash?)
  • Santa is jolly, whose belly is shakin' like jelly. Jesus is self-righteous and thinks he's god. Jelly shakin' will get you invited to way more parties than pretentiousness. 1 Point for Santa.
  • Santa brings toys, Jesus brings eternal life. Which would you rather open on Christmas morning? Another point for Santa
  • Santa lives with elves. Jesus lived with 12 other men. That's a toss up.
  • Santa is an anagram for Satan. Jesus is an anagram for Sujes. We all know Satan could kick Sujes' ass in a street fight, so Santa wins this one, too.
  • Santa dons a bright red suit, with white fur (faux, I'm sure), patent leather belt, funky boots and smokes a pipe. Jesus wears a white tunic-like thing that's plain, and sandals that have subsequently been named after him. Funky boots win over Jesus sandals every time.
  • Santa eats cookies and drinks milk. Jesus wants us to symbolically eat his flesh and drink his blood. Um. Ew. Another point for Santa. (Somethin' tells me the big J didn't bring his A-game to this face-off.)
  • Santa's choice of transportation is a flying sleigh. Jesus walked a lot, and rode a donkey. One more point for Santa.
  • Santa isn't an expletive. Jesus H. Christ is. Jesus pulls one out!
  • Santa knows if we've been naughty or nice. Jesus knows if you're an unrepentant sinner. Another toss up.
  • Santa and his sleigh can be picked up on radar on Christmas Eve. Jesus hasn't been spotted in over 2000 years. Santa again.
  • Santa wants to come down your chimney. Jesus wants to come into your heart. That's just way creepy. I don't want anything in my heart except the occasional cheeseburger and fries. One more for Santa.
  • Santa brings up 236,000,000 pages when Googled, Jesus only 141,000,000. Another point for the fat, jolly guy.

The tally is: Santa - 10 Jesus - 1

Jesus H. Christ! You just got totally smoked by Satan Santa. He was all up in your face, fo shizzle and fo sheezy. Better luck next time, JC.

Take Care,

The Bablatrice - who will never tell where she stands on the naughty or nice list.


  1. That was great. Did you write all that? I love a good disrespectful heathen. Most of my blogpound seems to be of that type.

  2. Yes, the blasphemy is all mine. All mine, I say...bwahahaha. Um. Yeah. I'm better now.

    Anyway, thanks!