March 31, 2008

Take it All Off!

Craig Rhodenhizer is a pastor in Lyndonville, Ohio. He left his house last Wednesday night to go to Best Buy, but Craig didn't come back home. His wife reported him missing, and was probably scared that he'd been abducted by the Geek Squad. But Saturday she heard the good news that he'd been found. Well praise Jesus and pass the butter beans! The bad news was, Craig was located at a strip club.


Maybe we were a bit hasty with the praising Jesus thing.

After Craig was totally busted, he pretended that he didn't know where he was or how he got there. Fucking brilliant, Craig! The only problem with his oh-so-clever excuse is that some trampy dancer at the club stated that not only did Craig know exactly what he was doing, but he also knew how to tell her about it using obscenitites. Yay for dirty talk! In his disoriented state, Craig also had a few drinks, a few lap dances and offered to pay one of the dancers to go back to a motel room with him. I dunno. Maybe when you have some dirty whore grinding her naughty parts on your lap, you do become disoriented.

Or maybe when you're a supposed man of god and you get caught shoving dollar bills in a stripper's g-string, you don't have enough wits about you to come up with a better excuse. Why didn't Craig blame it on Satan? Satan's been taking the rap for Christian's bad behavior for thousands of years. It's not like a little stripper action is going to hurt his reputation.

Craig's wife, Susan, stated that her husband's behavior was, "Very, very surprising. Totally out of character." I hate to say it, but I think Susan is totally out of touch with reality. She also stated that Craig's behavior must have been due to being so stressed from the Lenten and Easter season.

Well, now it's all coming together and starting to make sense. I know after enduring yet another Easter, I have this strange urge to go down to the local strip club and see me some stripper tits. It's the only thing that will wash the horror of the resurrection and Peeps out of my mind.

Take Care,


  1. The only thing I can't figure out is why after I took my son to Vegas for his 21st birthday, I didn't come home and become a Pastor?

    Don't ask. What happens there, stays there.

    (But it was more interesting than Craig Rhodesiahanamanakenenhizer's experience).

    I can say no more, or Steve Wynn will send some boys out here on a private jet to slit off my tongue (among the other critical parts).

  2. Oooooh! I just get all wet-pantied and breathless every time another Fundie gets caught with his pants down.

  3. Anonymous6:30 PM

    How much do you wanna bet that the naughty Reverend Craig has a huge stash of porn hidden away somewhere?

  4. How much do you wanna bet that the naughty Reverend Craig has a huge stash of porn hidden away somewhere?

    My guess would be that there is more to that trip to get help from the Geek Squad than meets the eye.

  5. What a dumbass. He was supposed to say that he was there trying to save god's children from their wayward stripper fallen-from-the-path ways. Didn't he read the damn Pervert Cleric Handbook? It's in chapter one! Why oh why does nobody read books anymore?

    I give up.

  6. Evo - You are such a bad, bad boy. And you're training your son to be one, too. I'm so proud of you.

    Doc B - You are such a bad, bad girl. Part of why I love you so!

    Chappy - He probably keeps it in his church study.

    Fwig - Um. Exactly how do YOU know about the Pervert Cleric Handbook?

  7. "Maybe when you have some dirty whore grinding her naughty parts on your lap, you do become disoriented."

    As anyone who has woken up hung over with a wallet stuffed to the splitting point with one dollar bills knows... this does happen.

  8. Anonymous12:31 PM

    That's my little sister. But she's not Christian. But that is still her.

    Makes me wanna fly down there and kick the shit out of the stupid cow.

    Gee bitter much? heh.

  9. funniest damn thing I have read yet on this situation

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  11. Lifey - I am so shocked!

    Claudia - Which is your sister? The one who doesn't believe her husband would go to strip clubs?

    Gale - Well, thank you very much!

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  12. *eyes rolling* Oh yes, the stress of Lent and Easter stresses me out so that I somehow find my way across the bridge to Windsor and I wake up in Danny's with naked men all around me, happens every damn year.......give me a break.