March 15, 2008

Spring is in My Pants!

Spring is almost here, and we all know what that means. Less clothing will be worn. This in turn means that I need to 1. Get a tan 2. Get a pedicure 3. Buy some really cute sandals 4. Lose 20 pounds.

The first three are easily attained, the fourth is a bit tougher. Until the past three years I have never needed to lose weight. Most of my adult life, I've needed to gain it, but something strange and unholy occured in my body when I turned 36. Maybe it was age, or the hormone pills I was on, or it could have been a demon I picked up beause I accidentally overheard a Barry Manilow song at the grocery store. Whatever the cause, I suddenly found myself chubby.

If you're a naturally happy, perky person you can totally pull off chubby and everyone thinks it's adorable. But if you're a black-hearted, cynical beehotch, chubby just doesn't look cute. In fact, if I cut my hair, stopped wearing makeup and began sporting flannel shirts, I could easily pass for an angry man-lesbian that wants to arm wrestle everyone for the last donut. So now I'm stuck with having to do something about my weight and I've been at a complete loss as how to acomplish this task. Until now. Now I have the perfect plan. (Keep in mind that absolutely no reasearch has been done for this plan. None. )

I've come up with a weight loss plan that will let me eat anything I want and still lose weight. All I have to do is acquire a tapeworm. I get a tapeworm, lose the weight I want and then go to the doctor to have Mr. Wormy removed. I know! It's fucking brilliant, isn't it? I'm sure there are side effects to having a tapeworm, but if I decided to use diet pills there would be side effects, too.

Hmmm...I just mentioned the Babtastic Tapeworm Weight Loss Program to my friend, Lisa, and she informed me that her uncle died from a tapeworm. Fortunately for my big mouth, this was an uncle that she didn't know, unfortunately for the rest of me there seems to be a pretty serious side effect of being a tapeworm host.

I guess I need to do at least a little research because I'm not sure how one goes about obtaining a tapeworm. Maybe there's some type of tapeworm blackmarket? Do I just need to eat bad pork? Visit a third-world country and lick a goat's ass? Stomp on freshly squeezed dog turds with my bare feet?

I really hope it's not the last two, because there's just a little too much ick factor involved in either, and I really don't have the time to go tromping around some under-developed country hunting down goats. I also need to figure out what the time frame is between tapeworm acquisition and death. Once I've figured that out, this weight loss thing should be a breeze.

Take Care,
Babs - who does not recommend the Babtastic Tapeworm Weight Loss Program to anyone who is pregnant, nursing, could become pregnant, males with hair, hairless males, females who are breathing or anyone who is currently hosting some other type of parasite.


  1. Believe it or not, you can buy a tapeworm.

  2. Spring time is the best period in the year to plan for workout. During this period the dumb excuses which are the consequences of laziness can be avoided.

  3. I dimly remember reading a travelogue about a person who took a tapeworm before traveling to deepest darkest etc in order to prevent picking up even NASTIER critters while out and about. Pretty high ick factor there as well. Tapeworm does not prevent plague. Royce

  4. Anonymous11:06 AM

    I also should lose some (lots of) weight but I think I will be a bit more traditional (and boring) about it. I need to exercise more and possibly eat a bit less, though I've done fairly well at cutting out snacks and many junk foods recently.

    I don't think I'll ever be desperate enough to try the Babtastic plan, which is, to be blunt, beyond disgusting. :(

  5. Brilliant! The difference between you and your friends uncle though would be that, unlike him, you would actually be aware of the infestation, since it's intentional and all.




  8. There's got to be an easier, and more appetizing, way to lose weight than acquiring a tapeworm or dining on undercooked pork!

  9. Ex - He or she is lovely. I have to buy some of those for gifts. Who wouldn't love a tapeworm?

    Angie - But what if I have intelligent excuses due to laziness? What then?

    Royce - Oh my god - that's disgusting.

    Chap - You are correct. It's sick. I'm sick. But you already knew that, didn't you?

    Doc B - OH MY GOD!!! I can't believe people seriously do this. Those websites were nasty. Ewwwwwww.

    Lifey - Oh one. Just one.

  10. Seriously? I did the South Beach Diet about two years ago and thought it was great. The first few days of your two week carb fast are a little hard though. It's not that you're hungry, it's that you want to chew your own toes off... and they're not on the list of foods you can eat either.

  11. Welcome to my world. Ever since going on the pill (from which I gained 20 lbs), I've been completely unable to lose weight, no matter how much I've exercised (at least 4 days a week for two hours) or how little I've eaten. Wait until you turn 40 and it goes in reverse, so not only can't you lose weight, you gain it while exercising and eating less. Ah, the joys of being a woman.

  12. When I was a kid, I thought that if you would hold an apple in front of your mouth that the tapeworm would come right out, like coaxing the cat from under the bed with cat treats.
    For the life of me though I can't recall how I found out about tapeworms in the first place.

  13. Well, for goodness sakes. Do something about it while it's still 20 lbs. Don't wait til it's 100 lbs. I assure that's not the route to go. Time to spring into action!

    Get it? Spring into action! Don't I just sound like a stupid TV commercial? On the Retardation Channel?

  14. Lifey - I don't know that I want to get to where I feel the desire to chew off my own appetizing as that sounds.

    Kathleen - I knew there was at least one bright spot in turning 40. I can't wait!

    Carla - That's so cute.

    Fwig - Oh dear god, man. I am so stealing the "retardation channel" and will be sprinkling it liberally throughout my conversations. That's one of the funniest things I've ever read.

  15. Well I have no advice. I'm 20lbs heavier than when I was doing any training. Just avoid the deep fried stuff and walk more. That's a plus to having a dog, you have to walk them and when you don't and they get fat the Vet gives you guilt about how you're killing it. Well maybe that's just my Vet.

  16. I was thrilled myself.