Spring is almost here, and we all know what that means. Less clothing will be worn. This in turn means that I need to 1. Get a tan 2. Get a pedicure 3. Buy some really cute sandals 4. Lose 20 pounds.
The first three are easily attained, the fourth is a bit tougher. Until the past three years I have never needed to lose weight. Most of my adult life, I've needed to gain it, but something strange and unholy occured in my body when I turned 36. Maybe it was age, or the hormone pills I was on, or it could have been a demon I picked up beause I accidentally overheard a Barry Manilow song at the grocery store. Whatever the cause, I suddenly found myself chubby.
If you're a naturally happy, perky person you can totally pull off chubby and everyone thinks it's adorable. But if you're a black-hearted, cynical beehotch, chubby just doesn't look cute. In fact, if I cut my hair, stopped wearing makeup and began sporting flannel shirts, I could easily pass for an angry man-lesbian that wants to arm wrestle everyone for the last donut. So now I'm stuck with having to do something about my weight and I've been at a complete loss as how to acomplish this task. Until now. Now I have the perfect plan. (Keep in mind that absolutely no reasearch has been done for this plan. None. )
I've come up with a weight loss plan that will let me eat anything I want and still lose weight. All I have to do is acquire a tapeworm. I get a tapeworm, lose the weight I want and then go to the doctor to have Mr. Wormy removed. I know! It's fucking brilliant, isn't it? I'm sure there are side effects to having a tapeworm, but if I decided to use diet pills there would be side effects, too.
Hmmm...I just mentioned the Babtastic Tapeworm Weight Loss Program to my friend, Lisa, and she informed me that her uncle died from a tapeworm. Fortunately for my big mouth, this was an uncle that she didn't know, unfortunately for the rest of me there seems to be a pretty serious side effect of being a tapeworm host.
I guess I need to do at least a little research because I'm not sure how one goes about obtaining a tapeworm. Maybe there's some type of tapeworm blackmarket? Do I just need to eat bad pork? Visit a third-world country and lick a goat's ass? Stomp on freshly squeezed dog turds with my bare feet?
I really hope it's not the last two, because there's just a little too much ick factor involved in either, and I really don't have the time to go tromping around some under-developed country hunting down goats. I also need to figure out what the time frame is between tapeworm acquisition and death. Once I've figured that out, this weight loss thing should be a breeze.
Babs - who does not recommend the Babtastic Tapeworm Weight Loss Program to anyone who is pregnant, nursing, could become pregnant, males with hair, hairless males, females who are breathing or anyone who is currently hosting some other type of parasite.