August 2, 2007

It's All About the Jesus - Now with a map

That Jesus Sho' Gets Around
You wanna know why Jesus hasn't been around much lately? It's because Deb Serio of Forest, Virginia has been holding him hostage underneath a paint can. I'd have to do some research to be positive, but I'm betting that's not even legal. No matter, because Deb's conscience finally got the better of her, and she raised that heavy load of paint from the face of Jesus and now JC is free from the sin of smelling noxious paint fumes all day and he's ready to be shipped to the highest bidder on Ebay. That's right! You could be the proud owner of Garage Floor Jesus. And if this isn't a smart art investment, then I don't know what is.

The best part is, the last time I checked, no one has bid on Jesus, so you can probably snatch him up for a bargain. I'd buy him myself, but I already have a Garage Floor Satan and those two would probably bicker all the time.
Besides, to me this looks more like a Planet of the Apes era Charleton Heston. But, Chuck - Jesus. They're both gun-totin' bad asses.
What really worries me is that I keep noticing moles on Jesus' face. I really think you should get that checked, Son-of-You-Know-Who. Skin cancer proably isn't going to be any more fun than that crucifixion thing.

Magical Jesus Tour

Here is the map Fwig so kindly requested. I really have meant to keep this updated, but I'm a lazy little beehotch sometimes. Anyway, so far California and Texas are tied at 2 for the big J sightings. I really can't believe that Arkansas doesn't even have one stinkin' sighting.

Do you think it's because Jesus knows I live here and he's scared of me?

I'll bet that's it.

Church Sign O' the Week

"Lifeguard on duty. Ours walks on water."

It's mid-summer and Church Sign Guy is feelin' the local swimming pool groove. I feel it, too Church Sign Guy. I think it's because we're so close. You wanna know the really trippy part of this whole chlorine-induced groove? I found a picture of J-Dawg as a lifeguard. Jesus Hasellhoff Christ! He sure does have some nice man boobs, huh?

And how cool would it be if Jesus turned all that pool water into wine? Nevermind, I forgot that there would probably be a bunch of little kid pee in it. And no one really wants little kid pee in their wine.

Take Care,
Babs - High Priestess and General Dork of The Church of the Bablatrice


  1. Maybe if the wine were Pee-not Noir ...

    I agree with you that Garage-Floor Jesus actually looks like Charlton Heston in Planet of the Apes. Wouldn't it be cool if the stain could yell "It's a madhouse!" every time Deb starts her car?

  2. Wowzers. Normally these ill-perceived Jesus-random-blobs look nothing like a humanoid and signify nothing except that some freak is on the crack.

    But damn - this one really looks like Jesus! And the angry glare from his left eye certainly fits with the ill-treatment. Being trapped under a paintcan and all.

    But why the pert little smile? And yeesh, why the black eye and the hellish coldsore? He's one complex fellow that guy.

    I hope you post another jesus tracking map some day.

    God's ghvft to man...

  3. Ex - Or pee-not grigio. I really like saying that. Pinot grigio. And, I think it would be awesome if Deb had a talking floor. Who knows? Maybe it does talk to her.

    Fwigmeister- Your map as you requested. If you had a paint can slammed down on your face, you'd probably have a black-eye, too. As for the coldsore...who knows. Jesus just isn't looking very healthy these days.

  4. It just seems wrong that Deb is trying to make a buck off of Paint Can Jesus.

    I'm liking Lifeguard Jesus. Such a hottie!

  5. I'm just curious about the 'do rag paint can Jeez appears to be sporting. Is the big J making an attempt at some kind of new, hip, cool image like a biker - or a hood rat?

    Just as long as he keeps his arvgqz covered. Nobody wants to see all that

  6. I thought of you on Saturday when my 19-year-old nephew "confessed" to late night Taco Bell nacho chip lasering.

    His father has a laser burning machine-thingy. He took the nacho chip, input the Virgin of Gu@d@lupe image in to the laser burning machine-thing, softened up the edges, so it wouldn't look perfect and burned the image onto the chip. A friend of his put it on eBay and some lady in Texas paid $35 for it.

  7. Just goes to show you - people will buy anything.

    Looking around for my chef's torch & a pair of old crhibwcs...

  8. I have a mystery leak in the guest you think it might be the spring of eternal life? We can't find it's source and nothing feels wet unless it's the actual water in the bowl catching the has to be some sort of religious manifestation.

  9. Diana - So many Jesus', so little time.

    Sharna - I think Jesus has joined a gang. He always was a rebel.

    Kathleen - That is absolutely brilliant! I love it!!!

    Carla - I'm positive it has to be holy water. Bottle it and start selling the shit outta that stuff.