August 10, 2007

Tag and the Ice Cream Man


The ever-charming and simply adorable, Claudia was kind enough to tag me. I have to answer these with one word. How the hell is a bablatrice supposed to answer with only ONE word? Oh well, here we go.

Yourself: Kooky
Your partner: missed
Your hair: reddish
Your mother: spineless
Your father: dickhole
Your favorite item: piano
Your dream last night: freaky
Your favorite drink: tea
Your dream car: chauffeured
Dream home: cottage
The room you are in: spare
Your fear: clowns
What you are great at: laughing
Where you want to be in 10 years: beach
Who you hung out with last night: myself
You're not: graceful
One of your wish list items: wisdom
The last thing you did: peed
You are wearing: contacts
Your favorite weather: fall
Your favorite book: well-written
Last thing you ate: potato
Your life: arriving
Your mood: relaxed
Your best friend: Stace
What are you thinking about right now: hair
Your car: demonic
What are you doing at the moment: typing
Relationship status: unfortunate
What is on your t.v: nada
When is the last time you laughed: tonight

So, I'm going to tag: The Pope - just 'cause I think his answers would totally rock, Church Sign Guy - so I can see if we really are as compatible as I think, and anyone wearing green pants with a purple shirt right now.

I'm Your Ice Cream Man

When I got home this afternoon, I could hear the ice cream truck in the distance, and the song it was playing was Turkey in the Straw. Only in Arkansas, people. Anyway, a few minutes later there was a frantic knock at my door and 3 sweaty, wild-eyed kids around 10-ish were standing there. Empty handed, antsy, and looking askance at one another. And to make the story more interesting, I'm pretty sure they were packing. At least one kept reach for a bulge in her sock. And she kept giving me the crazy eye. Here's how the conversation went.

Neighborhood Gang Leader: "Hello, we're accepting donations for the veteran...I mean the ....yeah...down the street. He's down the street. All we're asking for is a dollar."

Me: "I'm not interested."

Neighborhood Gang Leader: "Well, we'll take less than a dollar."

Me: "No thanks."

Very Tenacious Neighborhood Gang Leader: " Every little penny helps."

Me: "Does the veterinarian drive an ice cream truck?."

Wide-Eyed Totally Busted Neighborhood Gang Leader: " anyway."

Then they damn near tripped over one another trying to make it down the stairs. Now, I have to give the thievin' little bastards credit for creativity and for having the gonads to try this. But their story was pretty lame. A veterinarian? C'mon kids, you should've stuck with veteran. You know, the veteran who just gave his life-savings to his sister so she could have a liver transplant, and now he and his 5 kids are surviving on half-eaten reuben sandwiches they dig out of dumpsters. And his wife left him for the veterinarian because she got tired of eating corned-beef. That veteran may have snagged you some ice cream money.

Besides, there isn't a veterinarian down the street.

The thing is, if they'd told me that they just wanted money for ice cream, I would have gladly given them their dollar, or three. The thievin' little bastards.

Take Care,


  1. Anonymous9:14 PM

    hahaha you totally snookered those kids!

    I liked your answers, VERY creative for ONE word ;)

  2. That shit probably worked with the batshit crazy old lady across the street - you know, the one with dementia, hearing loss and a raging case of loneliness.

    The best panhandler sign I've ever seen was in Dallas. It read, "Let's be honest: I need a beer." That guy made a killing.

    Oooh, Ralph! I love the way you touch my qmfvabmi!

  3. Yea this is long, but I felt like I should do a fill in for the pope, so here goes.

    Yourself: pompous
    Your partner: absent
    Your hair: usually covered by a very large hat
    Your mother: a saint
    Your father: I can’t imagine
    Your favorite item: my holy stock
    Your dream last night: that it rained frogs
    Your favorite drink: mojitos
    Your dream car: the one with the bubble
    Dream home: my own country, wait I already have that
    The room you are in: under the stairs
    Your fear: clowns ME TOO
    What you are great at: being pompous and useless
    Where you want to be in 10 years: beach ME TOO
    Who you hung out with last night: Jesus, cuz he’s all about hanging
    You're not: graceful, but I have good taste in shoes
    One of your wish list items: hot man love
    The last thing you did: peed
    You are wearing: my holy smock
    Your favorite weather: all of them if they are centered around ME
    Your favorite book: Baseball by Ken Burns, betcha didn’t expect that
    Last thing you ate: crappy cracker and some fake wine
    Your life: On stage
    Your mood: pent up frustration
    Your best friend: Everybody
    What are you thinking about right now: I hope you like me
    Your car: demonic HAA AHHAHAH ME TOO
    What are you doing at the moment: typing
    Relationship status: pompous
    What is on your t.v: Pope channel
    When is the last time you laughed: I’ve never laughed in my life.

  4. I would never have dreamed of knocking on a neighbor's door to ask for money for ice cream!!! Kids these days are so forward!

  5. Claudia - I don't think mine were as clever as yours, but thanks.

    Sharna- You're probably right. I figure by the time they hit the 4th or 5th apartment, their story may have gotten a little better.

    Carla - Oh my god. That was just too funny. Seriously, the part about Jesus being all about the hanging. Tee hee.

    Kat - Me either. I would have never ever had the balls for such shenanigans.

  6. I remember about 30 years ago it was common for youngsters to knock on doors and offer to return your pop bottles for you. I believe they were returned for 5-cent deposits with which they'd buy themselves ice-cream. Or whatever. But pop-bottle returns went by the way side with the switch to plastic bottles. Okay, Did I just say "way side"? WTF?

    What the pxnbjqp, yo?