October 18, 2007

Mmmmm...Moldy Chocolates

Back, Back in the New York Groove

Guess who's coming back to the Apple Grande? (That's Spanish for Big Apple). I'll give you a hint. It'll be a second coming. Give up? Well, I'll tell you who's coming back. It's
CocoaChrist! But this is a new and improved chocolate Jesus. You wanna know why there's a new Jesus? Of course you do.

The artist had to make a new son-of-you-know-who, because while the former CocoaChrist was in storage, he was eaten by mice. Did you hear me, people? Jesus was eaten by mice. It was probably some kind of freaky, rodent communion service.

And to make this go-around in New York even more exciting for chocolate Jesus enthusiasts, this time the big J is going to be joined by a CocoaMary and a few CocoaSaints. It's going to be exactly like CocoaHeaven, except that CocoaGod isn't going to make a showing. I think artist dude should make a CocoaLot'sWife. Sweet and salty. Fo' sheezy!

Just so you know, I think New York Groove is one of the dumbest songs ever written. Ever. And I sincerely apologize if you find yourself singing it hours after reading this.

The Vagabond Virgin

Jesus' most holy mama is back and now she's shown up as a stain on a wall in
Del Rio, Texas.

Really, Mary. A stain? That's the best you can do? You should learn how to use your imagination. Didn't you watch Mr. Rogers as a kid and go to Make-Believe Land?

And I don't want to be rude or anything, but I think you have a mold problem.

Seriously, that green stuff around you? That's not your aura, or holy light or some kind of fancy "virgin glow". It's mold. I also think there may be some mildew, but I'd have to perform a few highly complicated tests before I was absolutely positive that you were indeed both moldy and mildewy. So don't quote me on the mildew thing.

In any case, you need bleach. Bucket loads of the stuff.

And one more teensy-tiny thing. You look, well um, really phallic. Kinda like a great, big, moldy butt plug.

That's right. I said it. 'Cause I'm as nasty as I wanna be.

Take Care,


  1. Anonymous6:57 PM

    whats a butt plug?

    Anyways... I don't see ANYthing Mary like in that stain.

    How disapointing.

  2. WTF? Is that supposed to be all of Mary or just her vagina?

    Okay was that over the line?

    Cajifx? Do you mean crucifix? Really aliens, you should have learned some English by now.

  3. Some people are desperately sad that they need to see religious icons in mold and mildew. The Blessed Mother (as we Catholics like to call her) is much classier than that.

    Oooh, bought a book while in Maine re: atheism...I can't remember the title right now. I should have bought two copies and sent one to you. I bought it for Ursa now that she's an atheist. It looked quite interesting.

  4. So Jesus, Mary, and the gang are sitting up in heaven, brainstorming.
    Mary: I can't decide where to leave my image this week.
    Gabriel: How about in a urine stain?
    Mary: No, I'm tired of urine stains. And they always make me have to pee. I'm tired of peeing.
    Simon: That reminds me of a joke Exterminator told at Flumadiddle ...
    Mary: Well, Christ, Simon, we all read that one already. That joke has been around since the time of Noah. I think one of the dinosaurs told it originally on the ark.
    Peter: On a tree. I love leaving messages on trees.
    Mary: Nope. A tree's too hard. I want something I can really mold.
    Jesus: You're a fucking genius, Ma. How about mold?
    Mary: How many times do I have to tell you to watch your language in front of your mother. You're still not too big to have your mouth washed out.
    Jesus: Aw, Ma. We'd have to add a new station of the cross if you did that. Somewhere between the crown of thorns and the scourging. The mouth-washing.
    Michael: Well how about it, Mrs. G.? Mold?
    Mary: Mold? Naw. I wanna be in something nice.
    Jesus: Pudding.
    Peter: Yeah, who doesn't love chocolate pudding?
    Jesus: Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of tapioca.
    Michael: Butterscotch. It should be butterscotch.
    Gabriel: Oh, you're all numbnuts. It should be rice pudding. What's better than that?
    Mary: Well, on second thought, maybe I will go with mold.

  5. Claudia - Well, I'll just give you a link and let you find out on your own. Butt Plugs

    Fwig - You're really having to ask if anything is over the line on my blog?

    Kat - Thanks so much for the book link. I'll have to check it out.

    Ex - That was one of the funniest things I've ever read. Seriously. That's good stuff.

  6. Ha! I was being silly, I know what a butt plug is. Thanks for the link though! I WILL check it out ;)

    Figured I would try my hand at being the naive "mom" with blinders on.