October 10, 2007

Desperately Seeking

Once again, weird searches that lead people here. I'm not sure how. Some of them, I don't even want to know how.

  • Dollar Tree tampons - I'm gonna have to go with don't. Just don't.

  • Tunnel to the land of the dead in the Bible - Turn left. A lot. Then make a right. Then left by the 20-foot bible nightlight and then a right at the Virgin Birth Emporium. No. Your other right. Go into the tunnel, walk for 40 days and 40 nights and before you know it - dead people!

  • Chocochrist cereal - It ranks right up there with Frankenmary. YUMMY!

  • Jesus roof - Jesus roof? As in the roof of your house has Jesus on it? 'Cause if so, that's just wicked cool. Or, is Jesus on the roof of your car? Sweet mother of god, is Jesus on the roof of your mouth? That could get really annoying. I mean, it's bad enough when you get bread stuck up there and have to dig it off, but I can't imagine what it would be like to have to scrape Jesus off the roof of your mouth.

  • Euphemisms for Jerry Falwell - dead as a post, kicked the bucket, deanimated, pushing up daisies, toes up, worm food.

  • How do pirate spiders get their name? From the little patches they wear over their eyes. Well, that and the peg legs. Do you know how noisy a peg-legged spider is?

  • Strap-ons unbiblical - Well, technically I'm pretty sure they're not mentioned in the big book. I know Moses' rod was mentioned, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't a strap-on rod. So, strap away!

  • Biggest breakout of boils is where? I'm going to guess Sheboygan. 1. Because a lot of strange things happen in Sheboygan, and 2. I just love to say Sheboygan.

  • Is eggplant supposed to have seeds? Yes, and they're supposed to spell Gid. If they don't spell Gid, that's not really an eggplant in your hand, it's an alien and it's going to suck out your brain. Tough break for you, huh?

  • How to buttfuck one's wife - Well my good man, you see it's rather the same as vaginal-fucking one's wife, but you do it in her butt. Therefore, the term butt-fuck. Get it?

  • Peeing in pants poem. - I thought you'd never ask.

Laughter billows like storm clouds
rumbling across a murky plain.
The warm wetness seeps across
chinos picked up at a second-hand store.
As the stain darkens and grows,
the truth crawls from the shadows,
and screams out in a high pitched shrillness,
(not unlike that of a 3rd grade girl)

“Hey! Dude’s peeing his pants.”

I'm sure that poem brought many of you to tears. I know, it's pretty darn touching.

Take Care,


  1. Thanks for clearing up the buttfucking business. I thought it had something to do with cigarettes. Have you thought of adding your definition to the Wiktionary?

    And correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you use "buttfuck" and "euphemisms for Jerry Falwell" in the same post?

  2. you get all the cool searches.

  3. Oh Babs. I so love your Desperately Seeking articles. Laughed and laughed. Excellent poem. I thought Jesus was on my roof one time but it was just Santa Clause. I get those two mixed up all the time.


  4. Yes Sheyboygan is *VERY* fun to say.

    And I can't wait for the kids to come home so I can tell them about pirate spiders. I can actually hear their little pegs legs crawling, in my head.

    Thanks for the laughs...

  5. Anonymous4:53 PM

    Ahh you just had to bring to my head the image of a patch wearing, wooden stumped spider!

    Thank you for the laughs.

  6. Ex - You are more than welcome. I'll try Wiki and see if it'll fly.

    Funny on the buttfuck Jerry Falwell thing.

    Well, that didn't come out right, did it?

    Tribbles - I must write about some weird stuff on here. Stuff I don't even remember writing about...like how to buttfuck one's wife.

    Fwig - Don't tell anyone, but I dedicate each Desperately Seeking post to you.

    DiVerL - You're more than welcome.

    Claudia - Yes, and I just so happened to start working on a "sculpture" of a...wait for it...peg-legged pirate spider. He's in the drying stage right now, so we'll see how he turns out.

  7. Ah, I've missed your posts. You are a funny funny woman.

    I've actually been to Sheboygan and have a story about that...wonder if I told it last year when it happened...time to search.

  8. Kathleen - I must hear your Sheboygan story. I must.

  9. Sheboygan story is posted...but you have to promise to read today's first post as well. ;-)