June 30, 2009

Bananas and Bibles!

One News Now has done it again. Another gripping article is up, and this one is about Ray Comfort. Ray's the dude who hangs out with Kirk Cameron and has the anti-evolution video in which he uses a banana as a demonstration tool. He's the banana man, and you can catch some hot banana action here.

Anyway, Ray was sitting around one night stroking his banana (it helps him think), and he had a flash of brilliance in which he realized that atheists and evolutionists don't have a bible. Hold the phone. What? They don't have a what? Holy, holy books, Batman! No bible? How do they manage to accomplish life's simplest of tasks without a bible to guide them in their every step?

But Ray's epiphany didn't stop there. He further taxed his brain and decided that atheists and evolutionists need a bible. Why? Let's have Ray explain it, "You ask one atheist something and he'll say I believe this about God -- and someone else will say something else," he shares. "They don't have a 'bible'...there is no rock to stand on."

Sweet Jesus on a paper plate! First no bible and now no rock? Someone hold me because I am scared. So scared and ever so cold. Just end the world now. Side note to Ray: If an atheist states that he believes something about God, guess what? Not an atheist.

The good news is that Ray has come up with an amazing solution to the lack of an atheist/evolutionist bible. He has written the Charles Darwin Bible. Well, hot dog and hallelujah! That's brilliant! Brilliant, I say. I only have one question.

What the fuck is a Charles Darwin Bible?

Well, Ray the Stroking Banana Man says that the Charles Darwin Bible takes a lot of evolutionary beliefs and juxtaposes them with scripture to create a clear case for the creator. I have trouble believing he really said that. Mostly because I don't think Ray knows what the word 'juxtaposes' means. I also think it's highly possibly that Ray is one chicken choker short of a circle jerk.

Anywho, I'd love to get my hands on Ray's banana. NO. That's not right. I'd love to get my hands on Ray's Charles Darwin Bible. So if any of you have one, give it up. I need it.

By the way, Bananas and Bibles is my new curse phrase. Oh Bananas and Bibles!

Smacks on the Ass,


  1. Anonymous8:01 PM

    Ray was sitting around one night stroking his banana (it helps him think)

    Well, shit - that's his problem right there. No man strokes his banana in order to think straight.

  2. For a moment I thought you said you'd like to get your hands on Ray Charles.

    Did you axe my long-winded sermon about disorders and syndromes or did my computer fuck up? Probably the latter...

  3. Chappy - Did you really think he'd stroke his banana for pleasure?

    Fwig - I wouldn't dream of axing any comment you leave and I'm severely disappointed that I didn't get to read it. I think it's Blogger that's doing the fucking up. I'd take the comment moderation off, but I have a not very nice person leaving not very nice comments. She's what is commonly referred to as a "total bitch".

  4. I was a little confused about Ray's comment regarding an atheist saying this about God as I was pretty sure atheists don't believe in God...so I was happy to see your qualifier. I was able to move onward.

    And for the record, evolutionists do have a Bible...the Catholic church actually recognises and teaches evolution and we pretty much have a Bible. Of course, nutjobs like Ray don't think Catholics are Christian, but that's a whole 'nother discussion.

  5. Kat- I thought of you when he mentioned evolutionists not having a Bible. I'm sure nutjobs like Ray don't think any 'real' Christian could possibly believe in evolution.