June 22, 2009

What Stinks?

When you walk in the door of your home are you assaulted by foul odors? Worried that you're doomed to a life of a living somewhere that smells like old, crusty ass? Well, you can kick your worries right in the jimmy, because I have the solution to your odor problem.

His Essence Candles.
See, they're candles that are made from the essence of Jesus. I know! Could anything be more awesome? I think not. Now, I'm not exactly sure just what part of Jesus his essence comes from. I'm not even sure how they extract it. But I have to admit that thinking about the possibilities does leave me a bit tingly. All I know is that once you start burning a candle that is filled with Jesus essence, your home will smell just like the son of the capital G god.

You might think that candles would be enough, but can you ever have too much Jesus essence? Um, that would be one big no motherflippin' way! So you really need to get one of these totally bitchin' His Essence mugs.

What better way to start your morning than having a big ol' cup of Essence o' Jesus? Deelicious!

Amen and Hallelujah!

VERY SPECIAL FLUMADIDDLE MESSAGE: Sometimes I'm a dumbass. I just realized that when I wrote the post about my crush, The Chemical Buddha, I didn't directly link to it. Um, fuckin' duh! So, here's the link: The Chemical Buddha. Also, TCB is dead and his 'monks' write the blog. Christ on a stick, I'm not a very good promoter...but I mean well, TCB. I really do!


  1. That is damn funny. From now on, when someone asks me for the recipe for something I've served, I will write it down but adding "1 tsp Essence of Jesus"

  2. Anonymous6:23 PM

    If Jesus is in all these candles, is there anything left of him to go into the communion wafers? The mug could be pretty cool, if it turns its contents into wine.

  3. Fwig - That, my friend, is one of the most brilliant ideas I've ever heard. Can I steal it, please?

    Chappy - He's Jesus. I'm sure he just replenishes himself like the did the loaves and fishes.

  4. Anonymous10:57 AM

    That would really smell different around here.

  5. Claudia - You're so funny. I wonder if Essense O' Jesus would be an improvement. For all we know, Jesus might just be really rank.

  6. Silly me, I just go to Yankee Candle...