April 20, 2008

The $300 Man

Sometimes things happen that almost make me believe there may be a god. This morning I was telling Jesus Guy that I needed something good to blog about - like a pastor fornicating with one of his church members, or something equally scandalous. I'm starting to think that maybe Jesus Guy has connections with that other Jesus, because while I didn't get a story about a pastor, I did get me some fornicating.

Well, that didn't come out the way I meant it to. I mean I got a story about some Christian fornicating. Yay for Fornicating Sunday!

Maybe I should just get on with the story. LaVern Jordan is the founder of Parkway Christian School down yonder in Spring, Texas. Lest you think that I use the phrase "down yonder" on a regular basis, I don't. But I'm pretty sure there's a writing style rule that dictates that any time you write about a location in Texas, you have to describe it as "down yonder." Anyway, LaVern may sound like a chick's name, but this LaVern is a dude. A totally sexy dude. Have a look see for yourself.

Sweet cheese on a cracker, LaVern. You're makin' all sorts of funny stuff happen down yonder in my pants. You sure are, you big, studly hunka man meat.

LaVern charges tuition for his Christian school, but sometimes under very special circumstances, he'll waive the fee. For instance, let's say you can't afford to pay for your daughter to attend the school. Bummer, huh? But no worries, because you can have hot, steamy, missionary position sex with LaVern and those tuition fees will magically disappear.

Unfortunately for LaVern, when he suggested his super groovy money-saving plan to one of the parents, he didn't realize that the woman he was offering his "sword of the lord" to was taping the entire conversation. He probably also didn't realize that I'm going to post the conversation right here, but I am.

LaVern: "Do you have sexual relationships often anymore? Are you seeing a man now?"
Parent Who Totally Busted Lavern: "No. Nuh-uh."
LaVern: "For the uh enrollment fee and stuff like that, maybe you and I could do something, you think?"
PWTBL: "Yeah, what I mean what, what you gonna wipe out all the fees?"
LaVern: "All the enrollment fees."
PWTBL: "All the enrollment fees?"
LaVern: "Three hundred dollars."
PWTBL: "So you gonna wipe everything if me and you get together?"
LaVern: "The enrollment fee, yeah."
PWTBL: "Yeah. OK."
LaVern: "If you and I get together."
PWTBL: "What you mean, I mean, what?"
LaVern: "Watcha mean? Excuse me, and I don't mean to be so blunt, but I am talking about fucking you."
PWTBL: "You talkin' about what?"
LaVern: "Fucking you. For the three hundred dollars I would expect maybe we could get together several times, you think?"
PWTBL: "Several times, whatcha mean by several times?"
LaVern: "Well I don't know, you might like whatcha getting. If you're not in like just a great big hurry, I know uh, of a place not too far that we can go and I can just do...that...we can just do some play around a little bit. Would you like that? We could go and do some titty play.

PWTBL: "No."
LaVern: "Nobody else will know."
PWTBL: "Nuh-uh."
LaVern: "Can I touch you?"

Holy tingling naughty parts, LaVern! You bad, bad Christian boy with your filthy whore's tongue. You are so making me want to touch myself right now. Seriously, can there be a better pickup line than, "Let's go do some titty play"? I'm not even sure what the fuck that's supposed to mean, but I know it is definitely workin' for me.

I think this has to be the most awkward exchange regarding sex ever made in the history of mankind. You can see the news story here, and watch LaVern the Love Muffin try to deny that he was just in a truck behind a La Quinta Inn trying to get his groove on. La Quinta. That's pure class, LaVern.

Take Care,
Babs - who's all about doin' some play around.


  1. Man, that LaVern is one sexy talkin' dude. I bet his idea of foreplay is to tell his wimmin, "Git in the truck, bitch."

  2. I don't know why the phrase "titty play" makes me think he dresses them in costumes and then puts on a puppet show.

  3. Anonymous10:26 PM

    Good Lord, what a total creep! He has the nerve to make women pay him to get his rocks off?!? Ugh!

    Dr. Brainiac, I think your assessment of LaVern is far too generous. The word "foreplay" has too many letters and syllables to fit into LaVern's vocabulary. I'm sure the word "titty" stretched his oratorical skills to the breaking point.

  4. Doc B - I know! And just think how awesome he has to be in bed. Ewww...that's just nasty.

    Ex - Well, hell. When you put it that way, it sounds kinda fun.

    Chappy - I agree. Ugh! pretty much sums it up.

  5. I saw the video and it made me ill. Let me guess what his excuse is? The big bad news media set him up because they want to bring him down and destroy God's work. Ugh!

  6. "Well I don't know, you might like whatcha getting."


  7. Anonymous5:38 PM

    Obviously, this fine upstanding example of Christian manhood was seduced into sin by this brazen harlotous example of womanhood. At least, that's how he will probably play it with his members, right?

  8. OG - Well, of course. It certainly couldn't be his own fault.

    Philly - Yeah. How delusional can one person be?

    Billy - Of course he was seduced. I mean, when he told her that he wanted to fuck her, I'm sure she was probably making direct eye contact with him or something.

  9. Anonymous1:34 PM

    eeew that dude is slimey!

  10. Anyone remember in Forrest Gump? That guy bonking Forrest's mom to let Forrest go to his school? I have to laugh! Here's the real live version!!!!

  11. Un-be-liev-able!!! The funny thing is that there are obviously women out there who took him up on his offer!!!! EEEEWWWW!!! I'm sorry but how fucking desperate would a woman have to be????