The $300 Man

Sometimes things happen that almost make me believe there may be a god. This morning I was telling Jesus Guy that I needed something good to blog about - like a pastor fornicating with one of his church members, or something equally scandalous. I'm starting to think that maybe Jesus Guy has connections with that other Jesus, because while I didn't get a story about a pastor, I did get me some fornicating.

Well, that didn't come out the way I meant it to. I mean I got a story about some Christian fornicating. Yay for Fornicating Sunday!

Maybe I should just get on with the story. LaVern Jordan is the founder of Parkway Christian School down yonder in Spring, Texas. Lest you think that I use the phrase "down yonder" on a regular basis, I don't. But I'm pretty sure there's a writing style rule that dictates that any time you write about a location in Texas, you have to describe it as "down yonder." Anyway, LaVern may sound like a chick's name, but this LaVern is a dude. A totally sexy dude. Have a look see for yourself.

Sweet cheese on a cracker, LaVern. You're makin' all sorts of funny stuff happen down yonder in my pants. You sure are, you big, studly hunka man meat.

LaVern charges tuition for his Christian school, but sometimes under very special circumstances, he'll waive the fee. For instance, let's say you can't afford to pay for your daughter to attend the school. Bummer, huh? But no worries, because you can have hot, steamy, missionary position sex with LaVern and those tuition fees will magically disappear.

Unfortunately for LaVern, when he suggested his super groovy money-saving plan to one of the parents, he didn't realize that the woman he was offering his "sword of the lord" to was taping the entire conversation. He probably also didn't realize that I'm going to post the conversation right here, but I am.

LaVern: "Do you have sexual relationships often anymore? Are you seeing a man now?"
Parent Who Totally Busted Lavern: "No. Nuh-uh."
LaVern: "For the uh enrollment fee and stuff like that, maybe you and I could do something, you think?"
PWTBL: "Yeah, what I mean what, what you gonna wipe out all the fees?"
LaVern: "All the enrollment fees."
PWTBL: "All the enrollment fees?"
LaVern: "Three hundred dollars."
PWTBL: "So you gonna wipe everything if me and you get together?"
LaVern: "The enrollment fee, yeah."
PWTBL: "Yeah. OK."
LaVern: "If you and I get together."
PWTBL: "What you mean, I mean, what?"
LaVern: "Watcha mean? Excuse me, and I don't mean to be so blunt, but I am talking about fucking you."
PWTBL: "You talkin' about what?"
LaVern: "Fucking you. For the three hundred dollars I would expect maybe we could get together several times, you think?"
PWTBL: "Several times, whatcha mean by several times?"
LaVern: "Well I don't know, you might like whatcha getting. If you're not in like just a great big hurry, I know uh, of a place not too far that we can go and I can just do...that...we can just do some play around a little bit. Would you like that? We could go and do some titty play.
PWTBL: "No."
LaVern: "Nobody else will know."
PWTBL: "Nuh-uh."
LaVern: "Can I touch you?"

Holy tingling naughty parts, LaVern! You bad, bad Christian boy with your filthy whore's tongue. You are so making me want to touch myself right now. Seriously, can there be a better pickup line than, "Let's go do some titty play"? I'm not even sure what the fuck that's supposed to mean, but I know it is definitely workin' for me.

I think this has to be the most awkward exchange regarding sex ever made in the history of mankind. You can see the news story here, and watch LaVern the Love Muffin try to deny that he was just in a truck behind a La Quinta Inn trying to get his groove on. La Quinta. That's pure class, LaVern.

Take Care,
Babs - who's all about doin' some play around.